The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wrote a little bit about my situation in my last post, but not about whats going on at the present. 2 weeks ago me and my Ab came to my home town to visit my family. I begged him to stay home and let me come alone because he is drinking and using. He wouldn't hear of it.. he said I couldn't leave him that he would get into trouble. He also thought he would be letting me down. So he came with me... actually made it onto the plane without a hitch. I was sure they wouldn't let him on.. but they did. We stayed 3 days and had to go back home... he was trying to stop drinking and couldn't. I was going to send him back alone because I hadn't seen my family in a year and I wanted to be with them. He begged me to go back with him.. and I did. The night we got home he went out to his hang out and stayed until 6 a.m. We got into a huge fight, and he kicked me out. I went to a hotel and stayed for a couple of days. I decided to use a one way ticket he had bought me several months ago when he kicked me out, to go visit my family because I had a week remaining on my vacation. The day before I was to leave, he called wanting me to come home. I did.. and that night he went back out and checked into a hotel. He does that when he is using. Then the night of my flight, he wanted to see me before I left, so I went and spent the day with him. My flight was at 10:45pm that night. When I was leaving his hotel for my flight, I could tell he didn't want me to leave.. but he wouldn't ask me to stay. So I left. I had a little cash and my credit card with me, because I knew I would be back in a week. Well... I have been here almost a week and 2 days ago he had my credit card cut off, so now I have no ticket home and no money. I don't understand how he could say that he loves me and that I am the best thing that has happened to him, but then do these kind of things to me. I haven't talked to him in 3 days... he won't answer his phone.. or emails. Now I am here with no job.. no money.. All this and I still love him more than words can say.. I know he is in his disease, that if he wasn't drinking/using he would never have done this to me. I love him.. sometimes I pray for God to take the love away... but it seems to get stronger. I know he put us in one anothers lives for a reason. I'm not ready to give up on my Ab.. even with all the drama..I still want to be with him. I stay by my phone hoping that he will call to tell me to come home... how pathetic is that! My head tells me, get out now! But my heart says, you love him more than you have ever loved another man... don't give up. What am I suppose to do?? Somebody please tell me... what am I suppose to do? How do I stop the pain???
I'm where you are...but have been for 7 years. He will never change for you....Never. The more you help him, the more he will stay the same. If you want him to get better, let him fall, without you. My A is binging right at this moment too. Drinking and using. I cried this morning in front of him as he was making up a lame excuse why he needed to leave the house...didn't work...he left and said he'd be right back (he had to take his suit to the dry cleaner)...that was at 10am...and it's 2pm. But I come to this web site and read posts like yours and it makes me realize that I'm sitting here worried about him, and I should be trying to make myself happy with something else.
Replace his name with the word "drugs" or "booze" and you will find that you are experiencing the same kind of addiction as he is. So maybe if you can "beat" your habbit...it may help him beat his. Leave him be. Let him drop to his bottom.
Call a relative or friend to help you out of the situation you are in at this moment. You will feel stronger and more independant from him.
Hello rainyday , well your practicing our insanity in this disease , we keep believing the lies ,the promises that things will get better and we keep doing it over and over again always suprised when it dosent work out any diff than the last 20 times we did it.
They are addicted to booze , we it appears are addicted to them . Until u stop enabling and start to stand up for yourself and look after you absolutley nothing will change except it will get worse. Please find meetings for yourself so that u can figure out " as u put it , what is wrong with me " and fix the only thing u have any control over you and your life.
taking away access to money is common practice in our relationships it is a great tool for the alcoholic to maintain control and keep u traped. that is the disease not the man . He is only doing what works for him .
I really am not a big fan of Dr Phil but his statement Whats in this for you ??? kinda says it all.
Our program will help u figure that out. good luck Louise
definition of insanity=doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. i can relate to your story as i wanted my Ab to stop drinking and start paying attention to me in our relationship. i think i cried for 2 years straight waiting for that to happen.
i started getting a bit better when i started working the steps of this program and focusing on something other than the A. step 1: we admitted we are powerless over alcohol (and others) and our lives have become unmanagable. it's the first step that taught me i have no control over what my Ab did and did not do. i couldn't change him, the only person i could change was myself.
keep coming , you're in the right place and in working program life gets better. :)
I have posted this letter before but after reading your post I thought maybe it was time to post it again. When I was in the traps of insanity with my Ason this letter helped me get over the rough spots, I hope it helps you some too as well.
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do.
You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
If you "love him more than words can say." and at the same time allow yourself to be treated like a dog, there's not much to say. If, on the other hand, you want to set some boundaries and stick with them, you can drag yourself up from this miserable situation. Sounds to me like you mostly do what he says and what he wants. How about thinking of yourself for a change? You will be amazed at how your life will change if you do. If you don't change, nothing else will. You deserve better.
Wishing you the best, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
He wouldn't hear of it.. he said I couldn't leave him. So he came with me... I was going to send him back alone because I hadn't seen my family in a year and I wanted to be with them He begged me to go back with him.. and I did. We got into a huge fight, and he kicked me out. he called wanting me to come home. I did.. he wanted to see me before I left, so I went and spent the day with him. All this and I still love him more than words can say.. I know he is in his disease I know he put us in one anothers lives for a reason. I stay by my phone hoping that he will call to tell me to come home... how pathetic is that!
Rainydayz, I gotta admit, it's pretty damn pathetic. So this guy left you penniless, homeless and out of your area, won't return your calls or e-mails and you are waiting by the phone? That's not love dear. I treat my dogs better then that.
If anyone could benifit from the Alanon Program you sure can. Do you not see how this is playing out? How HE controls whether you are happy not. How HE controls what you do? Any addict is going to use someone to the fullest that is willing to be their doormat. Do you know why that is? Sorry to say but YOU allow it. The best thing I can say is PLEASE FIND A MEETING. Your illness is just as sick and twisted as his.
Did you ever think the reason you were put in to eachother's lives is so you could grow? Stand up for yourself, find out who YOU are? Find happiness within yourself? You can do this!! You don't have to be in misery. You can choose a whole different way of thinking.
Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
First of all: love has nothing to do with addiction. If they loved us they would stop. Yeah right. Tried that one on hubby, and it turned out to be a joke.
Bottom line ask yourself this: Would you tolerate this behavior from any person? Doesn't matter if they are sober or not, would you tolerate it? I wouldn't.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I can definitely relate to much of your shares. I have felt with this A that I gave till I had nothing and then he kicked me when I was down. I do not forget that.
Please keep posting and keep being aware of what is going on for you.
There are all kinds of love and self love is one of them. You can learn to love yourself and stop being so dependent on him for recognition. I know I have done this.
Do not beat yourself up it is very very easy to get lost in another's addiction.
It sounds like there is a tremendous amount going on for you with home, family and him. Maybe its a good idea to slow stuff down. When I first came to these rooms, one maxim I could hear was to rest and take care of myself. Take it one day at a time. Learn to take care of yourself. Start sorting out your emotions. What comes up for you when you are sitting by the phone. How can you take better care of yourself, beating yourself up isn't part of it.
Maybe you can come into the chat room while you are sitting by the phone then you will not feel so alone. Maybe you can ask for a sponsor, maybe join the ACA group here and start posting on the issues around your family.
I have exhausted, finances, health, emotions dealing with the A. I then started to sort myself out. It has been a long long journey back for me, or rather foward, the journey is forwards to a new less codpendent self. I must say this room has been a huge part of the journey. The more time I spend here the stronger I get.
Remember you are as addicted, even moreso, to him, than he is addicted to his drugs.
You are jonesun for your drug... him. I relate to you so much. If I were you, I would call my family, if you are close and ask them to help you get home.
Get back on your feet again. Build your own life.Does not mean you cannot love him, but you cannot live with him either. You could also stay there. Call a womens shelter, get a job and get your life back there.
Then if you choose to see him you can, but he will have NO control over you. right now the disease is controlling both of you.
Look for a womens group. Possibly call the hospitals human resources and see if they can guide you.
You are not alone hon, glad you are coming back here for support and to let it out. love,your sister in alanon, debilyn
I been there, just saying his name over and over and over in my head, waiting for the phone to ring, searching town for him, calling credit card companies to see if I can find out what's going on when I know damn well what's going on. If your family is there why not stay there and start fresh without him? I moved out 1 month ago, thanks sooooo much for reminding me why I don't want to get back into that trap! Don't worry about being mean! He's not worried about being mean to you! Do what you gotta do to take care of YOU put yourself first IT'S NOT SELFISH!!! I say this because I know these are the things I think in my head and we have to STOP ourselves from always worrying about what someone who is clearly delusional might say or think about us!
