welcome. I know you are very upset. You love this man very much.

Sadly when we are with an active A, we have already lost them. They love their drugs more than anything, they put them first. Even before themselves.

Even if they are on a program of recovery, their first love has to be sobriety and their program.

If we really love them, we support that, and we learn how to change ourselves to be satisfied with that. It can be done.

If  your A is having liver problems and still uses, he is really, really sick in  his disease.

The disease never goes away, it gets worse and worse until they die.

I am so sad for you, knowing what you are going thru really is horrible. I would rather go thru it all again for you, than to know you are feeling all the pain, uncertainty, confusion, fear, hope, hopeless....

We usually do lose everything if we give it up for an A. It is like giving everything up to expect a cancer patient to take care of us.

He can love you how he can love. No one loves the same. No one. We are all  unique in that.

However his first passion is his drugs. He has a love for you, but he is choosing even now his drugs over you. It is becuz he has a horrible disease.

We can only hope they will get so sick of it, that they will do anything to stop. He is not  there.

Hon he is not in relapse. He is actively using. My A husband would go up to two months and not use. Then would use again.

He never went to AA, never was on his program again. He has been active in his disease even when he was not using.

being clean and or sober does not mean anything but they are not putting the poison in their body. They still have the same A behaviors and other symptoms, they know they are not ready to stop.

Now this is my experience. My A was a strong AA person, he lived it shared it, made major changes, cleaned up his messes, began his own business, got his license back, had money in the bank, earned his respect back. We got married, then he had a brain tumor removed in 99.

He was put on strong drugs=medical relapse, and has been a mess ever since.

He has never gotten back on his program of recovery.

Breaks my heart. I adore him. Well the husband I had. Now he is abusive, mean, lies, manipulates, a walking demon.

sigh known him all my life and I am 53.

Of course he loves you. Of course you are the best thing that has happened to him. But he is a very, very sick man. NO different than if he was being killed inside by cancer.

For me, I just love my A. I never see him, he has no home. I have no idea where he is. I keep him, the part of him that will always be in me, inside my heart.

He is part of me and I him. I know that. My A got a dui was in jail 100 days, sober. told me how much he loved me and was talking program and really had me almost convinced. well he had me convinced.

Then said he wanted to get out and go see his mom etc and would call me to come get him. Never did. I lost it, I honestly believed he wanted to go for it again.

He told me things he had not said since we got married. I was so afraid, put posters up everywhere. I heard where he might be, this old girlfriend of his apt. I only knew the street, i gave it to hp, he was in the first one I knocked at.

horrible horrible.

He is not a cheater, was not that, it was not my husband standing there, it was the horrible demon disease.

so anyway sorry to have gone on so much.

I feel for you. I can tell you if you keep coming here, you will learn so much, and you will help your A by coming here.

"Getting Them Sober" is a good book.

It helps me.

keep coming back. love,debilyn