The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I worked with a therapist on these issues in the past. I forget what the actual form of therapy it was but I would ponder on things from my childhood with the A father and try to feel the feelings that I felt at the time. Somehow, feeling those feelings in therapy was suppose to help me process them. I couldn't process them correctly when I was a child. So, anyway I don't think it really helped me.
Does anyone have any esh on dealing with pain without medicating and how they go about it?
I don't think I am qualified to give you any sort of "correct" answer on this one. I have however had many oportunities to test it out. LOL
I never expressed my feelings to others (pain or otherwise). It was just too dangerous. Nobody that I had access to was capable of either letting me be with my feelings, or helping me to understand where they really came from.
They wanted to quickly dismiss that I had any, or tell me I was a big baby and get over it. So, somehow I learned to just simply not feel any bad things. Boy, that didn't help. I did spend some time with a therapist, but what I got from her was a lot of listening... asking my opinion... then agreeing with me. Well, I didn't feel very satisfied with that.
I am not saying it is not for anyone else, just didn't give me that warm fuzzy feeling.
From day 1 I could tell this program will help me with that... because the premis is not to tell me the answer and shoo me out the door, but rather give me some tools to work it out for myself, along with the support of some great people going through the same thing. <he said with a wink>
Emotional pain should probably be a learning tool. If something or someone causes me pain, I now think I need to figure out why does that hurt me. Not why did they or it hurt me. Is there anything I can do about that next time?
I am so far from over this that the light at the end of the tunnel is like a distant star. It's small (very small), but it's there!
Every day I learn a little something new, about me and what is real.
I hope some part of this is helpful, that was a thought provoking topic. Thanks for that.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Wow, this is a tough one. Coming from one who had for years and years not experienced the pain because it was not safe to do so I can shed a little light on my experience with this issue.
I grew up in an extremely abusive home. Police were there often and I was removed from my home twice by family and children's services. I learned at a very young age that if I were very still and quiet and made myself "invisible" I could sometimes escape from being the target or from being molested.
Due to these experiences I learned how to not feel pain, physical or emotional. While this was a very good and effective skill to have when I was a youngster trying to survive, it was not effective when I became an adult.
When life became unbearable and I was basically forced to deal with these issues I learned, slowly but surely how to process and deal with the pain. I would never want to do it again, it got worse before it got better but I am so glad that I did it.
I did go to therapy, I did look at childhood experiences, I was able to feel what that little girl must have been hiding and as an adult lead that little child out of that experience. I know it sounds very voodooish but for me it worked.
Now, in the grown up world I am able to experience pain without it overwhelming me. IMO I think that is what most folks are afraid of, that if they allow themsleves to experience their feelings they will go crazy, they won't be able to function, etc. etc.
For me it meant finding people that I would trust with my life, that I could say anything to without their judging my experience, which is why I am starting to love this program. It is not about staying stuck in that place.
It is however, the most freaking hard work I have ever done in my life.
When we live with active A's their is inevitably going to be pain. It is important to have someone you trust to be able to process this with.
Hope I have made some sense.
In alanon
lilms
__________________
Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
(((Gaily)))))Yeah, I too have had many chances to test this out. In the past, when I was dealing with emotional pain, I would head straight to the doc, and get medication to help me. Now, I know there are probably times when this is necessary. But I also learned that by medicating myself, I was only postponing dealing with the pain. Sooner or later, I was gonna have to face it.
Al-Anon has given me a lot of tools to deal with this pain. I have learned that I do not have to suffer pain over every little thing anymore. I am learning to let go of a lot. I am learning a lot of things I blamed myself for, are not my fault. Placing the blame back where it belongs frees me from so many hurts.
A counselor told me once, if I was having a lot of anger/pain/desperation, to punch my pillow and just yell. I try to do this only when I am alone, as it tends to alarm others, though! I can punch that pillow, yell, scream, cry, until I am exhausted. Sounds a little primitive, but it gets rid of a bunch of internal stress.
For me, also, I was able to allow myself to feel the pain here in the chatroom. When I first got here, I was an emotional wreck, one big ball of pain. I could hardly walk, talk, or take care of myself for the emotional pain translated itself in to physical pain. Talking in chat was kind of anonymous, especially in the beginning, when I didn't know anything about anyone here, or they about me. I spend hours, just typing as fast as I could, letting the pain flow out of my fingertips onto the keys, and into the computer. As I typed, I felt the pain gradually lessen. The beautiful people I met here greeted me with love and understanding. I just cried and cried, and typed and typed. That is when I began to heal from the gaping, open, festering wounds I had received as the wife and daughter of an alcoholic. The ghosts that had tracked me all my life dissappeared in the light as I was surrounded by the love of everyone here, and HP.
I send you all the best wishes for your healing. It will happen. Keep coming back. You are worth it, and you can live a more painless life than the one you know.
Whenever I am in pain, am going through pain, or will know that I am to experience pain, the surest formula I have found is something my first sponsor talked extensively about, which was "one thing at a time." I take my pain little by little, one bite at a time. I do a lot of external things as well to affirm that this pain is not permanent and I will survive it: I exercise, reguarly and as hard as I can; I see a councelor, regularly, and trust her encouragement; I have a sponsor and sponsorship sisters, who I listen to and trust their encouragement; I journal, and read our CAL, and remind myself that I have been in worse situations (remember when I was posting about being homeless and living in my car?) and that those, too, passed.
One of the other things I need to remember is that pain is a feeling, just like my multitudes of other feelings. The feelings are only "dangerous" when I let myself become a slave to my feelings, or simply become defined by them. The key to my recovery, one day at a time, is to be honest with myself about where I am at, who I am at this moment, and what the "root" of what I am feeling is.
I am not qualified to tell anyone how to deal or feel their pain. I will share how I do.
I don't always get to feel as situations are happening in my life ... this can be good and bad depending on how you look at it. I know it has been a problem for me holding emotions and pain inside for long periods of time.
I set aside time now to allow myself to feel, not dwelling on things that happened but thinking of how I felt during it. If I come across any stray emotions I try to let them out. Laugh, cry whatever is needed. Then I tell myself that I accept and forgivem myself ... if the feelings are bad or make me uncomfortable. Actually sometimes I even need to accept and forgive myself when the feelings are good.
I don't know if this is what you were looking for at all but I am happy to share what works for me.
For me, I enjoy having a therapist. Ok, maybe enjoy is not the right word, but I find it interesting as well as beneficial. I enjoy both psychology and sociology as well as learning about various treatment options/styles. The person I am seeing now is probably the best I have ever had. She understands me, and thinks along the same lines as I do. And for one of the first times in my life I feel REALLY understood, which helps me to feel sane .. and that is a good thing.
As for medication, this is unique to individual as well. Some need medication and will need it the rest of thier life.. much like having a heart condition. Some need it temporarily to help eliminate some of the dips and valleys they are and will be experiencing. Medication does not eliminate the pain/feeling, it simply controlls the ups and downs.. meaning they are not as extreme as being unmedicated.
I encourage you to be honest with yourself and your feelings and find the best treatment option for you .. whatever that maybe. (Don't let outside inputs affect your decision -- my dad is not in favor of medication..well, I say, too bad)
As for Al-anon, I am new here; but I can tell you I find it helpful to see I can relate so well with others. And from where I am standing, I do not see how this program could be harmful or even non-effective .. one can only benefit by learning to love and accept themself.
Sometimes, as I am moving through my day, a painful or difficult feeling might come up--for example, I might suddenly be aware of how lonely I am after a recent break-up or I realize that I am angry that my father has not been in touch in a long time, etc. When I get some time to myself, I lie down on my bed and I just let myself feel my feelings. I breath quietly in and out, still my mind, and gently scan my body to become aware of sensations--tightness in my chest, burning in my belly, a clamped jaw, etc. I just gently tune in to the sensations (hot/cold, tight/loose, knotted/open, etc), the thoughts (Why doesn't anyone care about me, oh this is so painful, arrgh I am so angry, etc.), and the feelings (anger, sadness, etc.). I find for me that I am not always able to name or know how I am feeling in terms of emotion, but the body scan helps me get in touch with my body's reaction to a situation, which often is the gateway for me to discover my emotions. For example, if I notice tightness, I can start to gently ask myself, is this stress/fear/dread/avoidance, etc until I figure it out.
The other thing that helps me is to ask myself, is this about the past or is this about the present? For example, when my father was out of touch, due to the fact that he's a Civilian contractor for the military working in a dangerous region overseas without much phone access, I realized that logically I understood the situation and was understanding of it, but that it brought up abandonment feelings from the past. So this was primarily an issue that brought up the past. It was also that I have been feeling lonely lately and really in need of people who KNOW me to talk to, so there was a little bit of the present in it, too.
I do work with a therapist, go to Alanon, read CAL, have a sponsor, and attend a therapy group. All of these things together help me get in touch with my emotions and my painful feelings. The therapy group has been especially useful because it involves looking at our feelings as they come up and having a safe space to process them in real time. For me, that has been invaluable. For me, the key has been "easy does it," I allow the feelings to come up as I go about my daily life, and then examine them as they come up, and I try to be as compassionate and gentle with myself as possible.
One thing I did to get past the pain of my childhood was to consider it is a splinter. If kept iunder teh skin, it fest4rs. It swells. It gets red. It hurts. It may even get infected and look ugle. To get the splinter out I have to dig with a needle and tweezers. It hurts to do the digging. But i keep the thought in mind..once out it can begin to heal. I tolerate the digging pain with the knowledge I have to dig to get it all out.
Once that splinter is OUT, I can heal and the pain gets less and less each day.
I'm not sure that will help you...i am not a therapist. I jsut like to use visuals to get me through STUFF and my SPLINTEr does work for me.
I can punch that pillow, yell, scream, cry, until I am exhausted. Sounds a little primitive, but it gets rid of a bunch of internal stress.