The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been months since I have posted to this board or even been in the chat room, but I once again find myself drawn back and have realized through reading the posts how much my own recovery has digressed. I am posting now because I have reached the end of my rope once again and this time i'm not sure I even want to start climbing up again.
Long story short, my A and I have been together for six years now and have been married for four. During our relationship, we have been through affairs, lost a child, lost custody of my children, moved to a new state, lost jobs, been through treatment twice, etc. I'm sure we all know the story, just different versions. For most of my life I have played the role of victim. I finally lost it last week and got a TRO against him, which lasted all of a day before he was home promising that this time was different. Tonight, he was drunk again. He said it was my fault because I din't go to the courthouse and vacate the TRO and that he wasn't coming home because I'm holding it over his head and he didn't want to go to jail again. And surprise, i'm ok with that. It has been a really peaceful evening. When I stop and think that this is how it could be all the time, its a good feeling, but then I tried to go to bed and all I could think was that I wish he were here...sober. He is my ideal mate...when he's sober. He is a great father...when he's sober. How do I reconcile the two peaple that my AH is? How can I live with him when he is drinking and yet, how can I live without him sober? I am so confused!!!! I don't know wether to climb back up the rope and try again or just let go and hope I land on my feet. Our baby is 21 months old and doesn't understand why daddy didn't give her kisses ni-nite tonight. But at the same time, how can I let her grow up thinking that its ok to be treated this way?
I guess I'm just lost right now and am hoping my HP will point me in the right direction. Thank you for your experiences posted here.
Welcome back and please keep coming back. I can sense some changing in you even with the confusion. That was what I did when I reached the "jumping off" point. Enough was enough? It had to be and then I was addicted to her as she was to alcohol and drugs.
Good work on the TRO and it doesn't work if you go back on it. Not scolding just offering my experience as a retired ATV case manager who has written his share of TROs for both sides of the insanity. It is natural when addicted to the alcoholic to go back on good intentions when we don't go back on them its un-natural. I had to learn to be un-natural. Early on in this program I was taught to love the alcoholic and hate the disease. I was taught to be able to tell the difference between my wife and when she was there and the alcoholic when she was there. When my wife was there we did real well, when the alcoholic was there I did poorly and she did alcoholicly. It was another difficult first lesson and I learned it. I learned to trust the alcoholic one way and my wife another. I learned not to make either of them responsible for my happiness and/or sadness. These lessons helped me alot. I also learned how to be alone without being lonely and without "craving" my alcoholic wife. It was sooooo difficult and learnable all the same and I did learn.
When I did whatever was necessary to take care of myself she accused me of being "selfish" and rightly so because this is a selfish program. I get it and keep for my self not for her. She was angry when I started getting better and that was a sign that I had gone overboard in trying to rescue her from an alcoholic existence which is not what she wanted at all. It is what I wanted and what I hoped and thought she would want also. I was wrong from the start and didn't know anything about alcoholism.
HP (God for me) takes care of all of us (including all alcoholics) and allows us to choose our part in the whole scheme of things. Despite as the drama and bad times it all comes out different and better when we make better choices and want better consequences.
Keep coming back and practice practice practice. Remember the 3Cs when he tries to blame you for his bad choices.
"He is my ideal mate...when he's sober. He is a great father...when he's sober. How do I reconcile the two peaple that my AH is? How can I live with him when he is drinking and yet, how can I live without him sober? I am so confused!!!! I don't know wether to climb back up the rope and try again or just let go and hope I land on my feet."
You have read my mind!!! These are the same questions I ask myself time and time again. I wish I knew the answer to give you, but I don't. So I'll just say I understand your dilemma; I will keep you in my prayers and hopes. Just remember to take care of yourself.
With caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I feel your situation. You are in the right place. As you know, this board helps many people, and there is such love and wisdom here!!! I come here daily to help with my confusion, stress, anxiety, craziness, all the emotions you are feeling. I even print things out and read them over and over.
Know that you are not alone. Try to go to a face to face meeting. The more you work on yourself, the better you will be. I know it is hard with young kids, but you can do this! The fear will not be so bad.
I was where you are this last April, and found this board. I am not saying things are 100% better, but I am growing and less fearful and less crazy in my head because of these people here. This is a spiritual program. Try to learn the tools and it may take months or years to practice them, but they are life-changing and life-saving.
I think what I am beginning to learn most of all is that NO one can take away my freedom to enjoy this life of mine. I love my AH with all of my heart, but he is, like yours, totally different when drunk. Your hopes come up, then get dashed. I WAS totally dependent upon him making me happy. He wasn't and still doesn't, it is pretty rare because the drinking overpowers his good intentions.
We are supposed to do a normal "date" tonite, go to a movie. I am expecting him to blow me off and be drunk. That is kind of sad, but I will not expect an alcoholic anymore (without treatment) to be anything but drinking. I got my hopes up too many times this year. I have learned to have a plan B, I will either go to a movie by myself if he is drunk, or go somewhere like a coffee shop and read a book. When a good day comes along between us, it is wonderful. Don't know if I want to live my life this way, but right now I don't think I'm ready to leave.
Good luck and love - please read, read read, these posts save your sanity!!!!
Aloha Feelinhopeful!