The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay, here is the deal. I understand that Al Anon is for me. That I have things to work on too. But, How really am I suppose to take all of this. We spent 10 thousand dollars to send my husband to rehab. The first week he is out he relapses, goes on a rampage and accuses me of all kinds of evils. Now, week two is ending and i find out that he again has taken pills of mine--narcotics. I am suppose to stay and support him while he races back into the same old patterns? Do I rip the family apart and go my separate ways from him? I mean, what he does affects me. And he doesn't get that. I can realize I can not control him--I have realized that for a long time. I can pray to ix my own stuff--I do that (maybe not as well as I should but I am trying) but I need advice about what the real issue seems to be. He takes pills and those pills are ruining my life, my kids lives and his life. I don't want to play this game. I just want mylife back. How am I suppose to love and respect him under these situations?
I've been there...and still am...but a little different. My A relapsed 1 week after 45 days inpatient.
That was 2 years ago and he is not sober or drug free. Some days, i want him out. Some days, I can't live without him.
Do what's best for you right now. Post your thoughts here. There's wisdom beyond belief in the responses. Stop thinking it will ever get better because of anything you can do. It won't. Until he says he has had enough.
It can get better for you though. Read about co-dependancy, understand yourself.
Sometimes, when we get better, the A changes. And sometimes they get worse, all in the same year. It's a brutal disease. If you keep thinking of it as a disease, you won't take it so personally.
Hi, well it sounds to me, the disease is ripping your family apart, you and the kids are just still there physically.I sure don't see, if you choose to leave that you are ripping apart anything.
We either change ourselves to be able to live with the A, or we are drawn into their madness or we leave, or they do.
I could not live with mine. He got worse and worse as far as being physically abusive.
It is always sad when they relapse after rehab. Mine can only stay sober in jail. I am so cynical now I hear someone is going to rehab and it really means nothing more to me than they will get some sober time in, and possibly live longer.
After going thru it so many times, and the pain that comes with it, I know it sounds cold but I want to say, why bother?
I know a few stay sober and are on a program, for years sometimes. Very few stay sober the rest of their lives. Some are just sober and worse.
It is a horrible disease, it never goes away. The best chance for the marriage is if both people are in a program of recovery.So if you really want your marriage, alanon is your best chance. If he has been in rehab, he will know what you are learning, he will know the talk you will have.
A's hate alanon more than anything. Well their disease does. Becuz it knows you have it's number. You won't "play" with it anymore.
No more arguing, no more making you feel guilty, no more blaming you and you believing it. You won't take the disease bull anymore.
Maybe the disease will get so sick of you it will weaken and give your husband a chance to feel he wants out of the pit.
If so, then you will be ready.
Did you go to rehab too? I mean the family meetings or anything?
I liked,"Getting Them Sober." It really taught me a lot. I related big time.
This program even changed how I thougt and saw things. I used to say the "I get it, but" myself and then using the 3 cs, (I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it) I started saying "I get it, and." How did this help? It helped me see what was my responsibility and choices and what were the alcoholics. "I get what the program was trying to teach me and she is still drinking." "This is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease!!" I want thinks better and she continues to drink. I have no control over her, only myself. This program works and it works for me in spite of anyone else.
Wow - I thought I was reading my own post from a year ago. My AH went to rehab for 25 days in July 2005. He came home and relapsed on day 30. He is still drinking. I didn't start learning about al-anon until a few weeks after his relapse. I read Co-dependant no more and the newcomer info from a f2f meeting. I thought I got it too, but.
But I didn't get it at all. The thing with al-anon is that you can't simply read the information and have everything change at once. It takes practice for it to make sense. It takes a shift in ourselves for it to work.
I spent the first six months of my AH's return infuriated. I practiced the tools of Al-anon with spite. My definition of "detaching with love," was to spend as little time as I could w/ him, to do nothing out of love and respect for him, and to talk about his behavior to whomever would give me the time of day. See the trend...it was still all about him.
I can't really explain why or how a shift in my thought process happened. All I know is that one day I was saying to myself for the 5000th time, "this is about me, not him; take care of yourself," I realized that I had absolutely not been doing that at all.
I began learning all I could about alcoholism. I went to a lot of open AA meetings, read the entire AA Blue Book, the AA 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, and As Bill Sees It. I learned that I do not have to condone his drinking in order to have compassion for his disease. I learned that he does not choose to be an alcoholic. I also learned that he is not drinking to hurt me intentionally, but he has lost the ability to control his compulsion.
I learned to let go of anger and resentment privately by posting here. I learned not to rely on my AH's sobriety for happiness - I found it in other places. I learned not to have any expectations with regard to his sobriety. I learned not to engage in petty arguments when he is drinking. Most importantly, I learned that there is nothing I can do to get him sober. He has to do it for himself.
Give yourself time, find some space, seek peace and serenity. Keep working the program - it works if you work it. Love in recovery...Babysteps
I don't know if I could deal with an active A in my life today. Yet, if I could re-live those last 4 years of my dad's life, I'd do one thing differently - I wouldn't have bothered to nag him or worry about his drinking. I knew about his gin bottle in the drawer, and the trips to "get a newspaper" which was 3 inches thick and got put in the trunk of the car. That made me angry then, because it was so obvious. I'd argue with him, which only fueled his denial and excuses.
One of the last times I saw him, he said that he had been to an AA meeting the other night. He hadn't been to one in quite a while. He said - talking so slowly that you could almost fall asleep between the words... "I'm not like those guys....... I can stop any time I want". Only a few weeks later, he did stop, permanently.
In my early sobriety, I had a dream I was taking my dad somewhere in my car. I was an adult, he was as I remembered him. I hit the brakes, and a bottle of gin slid out from under the seat on his side. He picked it up and looked at me and said, "Do you mind if I..." and I said go ahead.
It was as if I had made peace with his alcoholism, at the same time acknowledging that my memories of him are always going to be memories of an alcoholic. I can't separate who he was from what he was, because they were so deeply intertwined.
Oddly enough, I no longer view any of this as tragic. Haven't for a while. I don't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I think that promise tells me that I'm no longer a victim today, nor do I have to look at my past experience through the eyes of a victim.
I was told that BUT is an acronym for Being Unconvinced Totally. It sounds like you're there.
It might help to think about what you're doing right now as an attempt to control the alcholism and trying to convince the alcholic that he needs to stop. If you were to list what you have done in the past 7 days to stop him from drinking, what would they be?
If you were to list what the result was from your attempts to keep the alcholic from drinking in the past 7 days, what would they be?
If you were list how you've felt about the alcholic's drinking in the past 7 days, what would that be?
I would recommend you actually write all this out on paper so that you can see it for yourself. If you see a consistent pattern of attempts to control that have failed and have left you feeling miserable, perhaps you might be ready to embrace a new way of thinking.
Perhaps you are ready to embrace hope.
Hope is a two fold acronym. It stand for Hang On, Peace Exists and Hearing Other People's Expieriences.
Al-Anon does NOT suggest whether people stay or leave their situations and circumstances. None of the literature suggests either one is right for you. That is an individual decision, and the "right" one for you is between you and your HP.
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
