The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"We are so careful to see that no gets hurt, no that is, but ourselves". Quoted from an Alanon member in Codependent No More.
Victimization and how that has affected me my entire life has been a burning desire to heal in the last month. I am practicing taking care of myself, speaking up for myself, and setting realistic boundaries between myself and others. This is not a comfortable role for me. It does cause anxiety in me especially with my A because I cringe each time he has stepped over a boundary I have to ask myself, do I let it go or do I say something. In the past I have allowed my A to bust through my boundaries. He typically would pull some sort of manipulation tactic, yell, scream, cuss, or threaten me if I didn't "do something" he wanted done. I typically caved in and after I did what he wanted, I felt like crap about it. I blamed him for my angry feelings, but really I was angry at myself for not standing up to him. I have done this in other relationships as well and always wondered why my relationships never worked out. Was it because I allowed myself to be a victim and a martyr?
I have consistently taken responsibility for my A's thoughts, feelings, decisions, behaviors, problems, and future. I do feel that I'm healing from this rescue/enable behavior by asking myself what do I need to do to take care of myself regardless of how that makes the A feel? Usually I will do what I don't want to do because the A expresses his disapproval.
For example as I've shared with everyone, my A had a minor accident in my car Monday evening and after this happening to me twice I said I'd really rather that he or anyone else drive my car again. He got angry about it, and I knew he'd challenge me on the issue. Last night he came home irriatated that I didn't cook, so he went out to get fast food, I said please take your car, but he didn't he took mine. So when he got home I asked for my key back and said I'd really like it if you could respect me on this issue. I don't want ANYONE driving my car not even around the corner. I simply said I don't want to talk about this anymore my decision is firm. So he says " Well then give me my car keys back, if I can't drive your car you can't drive mine". I thought to myself how immature, but o.k. fine he's right the same would apply to his vehicle if I wrecked it. So I gave the keys back. This morning he started his new job and had to wake up at 4:30 a.m. he wanted me to wake up with him, but I didn't make it to bed until 11ish. So I had to ask myself what do I need right now? Sleep... even if he gets upset. I don't think he got upset but he left the house without saying goodbye. That did hurt a bit. The frustrating piece of all this is the more boundaries I set and stick to the unhappier he seems to be in our relationship. Its like he wants me to cave and give in to his needs, but then I feel like crap and become this snivelling victim and he doesn't find that attractive in a woman either.
When I rescue or enable my A on a certain issue its usually because I feel he's helpless or incapable of doing it himself. His actions have shown that he's not responsible so I take on the responsibility of doing it so life can go on harmoniously. Little by little I would like to find the courage and the willingness to let some of these tasks go and give it to him. Its scary because the consequences could be devastating, but honestly it wouldn't be my fault. One step at a time. Hope everyone has a blessed day.
Living Life One Day At A Time,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Because my ah is so sick, I have a really hard time differentiating between "taking care of myself," "enabling him," or "being a kind and loving wife." Am I being kind and loving when I do something for him that he can do for himself? I am certainly not taking care of myself by doing his laundry while he sits on the sofa drinking. In a sense I am catering to him because this is a chore he could do for himself. But then I ask myself, would I resent doing his laundry if he weren't an alcoholic? Probably not.
I do just about everything around the house because he is usually drinking. Either I do it or it doesn't get done. I have recently decided to hand some responsiblity over to him that won't hurt me if it doesn't get done. For example, I told him I don't have time to do his laundry. I won't clean up the dishes and bottles on the table next to his "spot" on the sofa. I won't mow the back yard. I won't wash his car. I won't return calls from his parents.
I used to do all of these things because I was concerned about how his appearance reflected upon me. He took complete advantage of this, never offered to help. Now, if his clothes are dirty it is his problem. If he is embarrassed at the state of his car...his problem. Grass too long...his problem. His parents get mad at him...his problem. I have released these concerns.
I still take care of what is important to me, and I am kind to him. I make him breakfast in bed sometimes, watch a football game with him, rub his shoulders, etc. I simply don't allow myself to do anything that let's me claim any victimhood or martyrdom.
Yours is among several posts now that have talked about the roles we play as victims/matyrs, etc. Of course, I didn't think that described ME at ALL. LOL. Of course it does, to a tee. Through other posts, I can see how in my own life I am playing this role. The toughest, toughest, toughest, part of this whole thing for me has been having what I call "my own mind". What do I think is best, want to do, need to do to take care of me, etc.? Part of my battle has been facing the GUILT I feel upon taking care of myself and the other part of the battle is I secretly don't want to take care of myself, I want to be rescued and its hard not to give into the fantasy that that will happen. I have had to face too that much of my own anger is of my own making--I make choices that reinforce my role as victim and then am pissed about it.
Twinmom: As you know well leaving behind the victim role is something that I am struggling with. I did it last night when I side stepped caretaking one of his friends. I did it last night when I went out and bought myself a pair of shoes. I have evidence that the A has been out buying tools for himself. He thinks every penny I make is his.
I do it more these days when I see a red flag in someone I meet socially I no longer pursue them socially. I do it one day at a time. I find the negotiation back and forth of satisfying my needs very very difficult. I am so glad to be around people who are sharing their process.
You said: The frustrating piece of all this is the more boundaries I set and stick to the unhappier he seems to be in our relationship.
Keep in mind while you are setting boundaries for you, him being unhappy is expected. He's not getting his way.
The good thing is that by sticking to your boundaries and making new ones, he is more uncomfortable and more angry. He should be! Why is that good? Because one day it may dawn on him that if he got sober his life would be more comfortable and he would be less angry. Most if not all of your boundaries are due to his alcoholism. He'll figure that out someday. You truly are helping him in some abstract way.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think what I finally had to make peace with when it came to my victimization was that I had become so comfortable in it, it was darn near natural for me. Some how, I would sabatoge myself so that I could be the victim, blame you for whatever situation or disaster I had found myself in, and resent us both--me for not having a spine, you for being a bastard.
I think the key today to my vitimization is I look at who I feel vicitmized by. I mean, no one can take my power away faster than my parents. But I am slowly coming to grips with the quote of Elenor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent...". My parents cannot take my power away from me unless I give it to them. And very very slowly I am learning to embrace the reality that for a long long time, perticularly as a child, I was a hostage to them, not a victim. And because I was a hostage, any time I tried to stand up for myself, or think for myself, or do for myself, I became victimized because I was doing things that were throwing off the balence in the alcholic dysfunction. I was throwing off the stasis in the dysfunction that was needed to, no pun intended, to function.
Today, though,thats not the case. I am at the point with professional intervention, the 12 steps, my sponsor, my god of my understanding to realize that I do not have to be hostage to the alcholic dysfunction unless I want to be. And I don't have to take an all or nothing approach to relating to the alcholic dysfunction, either--I can be present for my parents and keep it on my terms, by doing things like limiting my time with them. Or by limiting my phone calls. Or by simply keeping my distance and working on something that is the basis of the al anon program, which is making peace with myself.
Today I know that when I victimize myself the first thing that has generally happened is I have gone to a dry well for water--I have gone to my parents for love, acceptance, approval, forgiveness, any large, emotional, sensitive issue that my parents were never given, don't know how to give, and can't give to me, and I have gone to them for something they emotionally cannot give me. Secondly, I also know I have forgotten "keep it simple" and "first things first": I still firmly practice HALT, I still firmly believe that if I believe my butt's gonna fall off or if I'm losing my mind the best place for me is in a meeting (because god knows I HAVE lost my mind and the people there were able to help me find it! ) , and I still firmly believe that the more emotional the issue, the more pressing it is that I have a good night's sleep before trying to solve it, the more I need to pray about it, and the more I need to trust in a higher power that is more infinate than alcholism.
) , and I still firmly believe that the more emotional the issue, the more pressing it is that I have a good night's sleep before trying to solve it, the more I need to pray about it, and the more I need to trust in a higher power that is more infinate than alcholism.