The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need help thinking this through -- so I come to you all who understand .... I have a couple of separate situations going on where there is either obsessiveness, alcoholism, or al-anon issues running rampant in such a way that the other persons are making choices that have a direct impact on my life, my income, my children, or where I live. OK, these folks are the way they are ... I didn't cause them to be the way they are, I can't control it, and not only can I not cure it but it is not even appropriate for me to determine if a cure is the right issue. Still, ... and this is where I need "the wisdom" ... I get to speak up about what is acceptable behavior towards me and my life. In fact it is my responsibility to speak up for myself and take care of myself. Now some people want to have me accept that I "made them do..." whatever it was they did or choice they made. But mostly what has happened is that I was setting boundaries and the person(s) does not want boundaries set and so is acting negatively. A significant factor for me is that I am recovering from an abusive relationship and so I avoid speaking up for myself in certain situations such that some folks think their life will be easier if they bully me, which increases my fear, which gets circular. I'm getting better at setting boundaries and getting my voice back, but this is a real challenge for me. And my HP seems to keep putting me in situations here people blame me for what they do ... and I am trying to be true to my program, and true to myself by saying what I mean and not say it mean -- but with some of these folks it seems like a good growl is what they need to hear so they will back off. I need some insight and support from your collective wisdom.
All I can think of to say here is that your words and actions are your responsibility. However, how others take those words and actions is not. They can throw their expectations at you, but you don't have to pick them up. "I'm sorry you feel that way, that wasn't my intention" might be the words you need, here. Another good answer, to people who seem determined to pick a fight, is just silence, if you can do it. Just don't say anything at all, and eventually they give up.
I completely understand how you are feeling right now. Setting boundaries and sticking to them with people who are "boundary busters" is very uncomfortable. Especially for the person who has been so used to caretaking and rescuing to keep the peace. It is scary but empowering as well. I think Lin's comments are good tools to use when having a discussing with someone who just won't respect your boundaries or decides to get defensive and blow your comments out of porportion. My A loves to get defensive because usually he here's he's the bad guy in all our problems and he's wrong. He cannot understand that everyone owns a piece of the puzzle in dysfunction. Keep working at it, I'm convinced that the more I think about me and what's right for me, the easier it will be for me to say it and then stick to it. Keep up the good work.
Take care,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Please take what you like and leave the rest. This is my experience with deal w/ some of the things you mentioned.
I've set boundries for myself that were not taken well and been thrown as to the reaction of others. It was almost as if they were saying, "okay, if you are going to do this, then I'm going to do that." The thing for me was my boundry was more important -- I just had to deal w/ their reaction, adjust myself/life because I was NOT going to back down to them. It was too important for me to stand strong w/ the boundries that I set up, it was what was healthy for me. I've learned that what they did only made me stronger.
In this instance the Traditions can be applied, Tradition 7 talks about being fully selfsupporting. I apply this to my life, not only financially but other ways too. It doesn't mean that I never ask for help or turn down assistance, it does mean that I am not dependent on another to maintain my existance. I don't ever want to hand over that part of me to another.
Another tradition that can be applied is Tradition 1, Our common welfare should come first, personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity. My family comes first, our progress depends upon unity, we make family meetings an important part of what we do. My children don't make the decisions, but they have imput and have understanding that sometimes sacrifice is what it takes to keep us togethers and moving forward.
It is hard to find your voice after stepping out of an abusive relationship. For me it was verbal/emotional. I won't tell you it's been easy, but it has been the most empowering journey I could have ever imagined.
