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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> a little help?
Post Info TOPIC: a little help?
carolinagirl


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a little help?
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Hi everyone,
I heard from the AH again tonight and he is in Atlanta, he asked for money...to stay with me....to use the shower and shave....

I'm wondering how much detachment I should do. I'm not very strong with face to face but I know I am going to have to face him for the kids. I don't want to be weak or have him be over here and upset. I am not really sure how to deal with this and I have a feeling tommorrow is the day...

I'm very anxious and worried about how this is going to play out. He is going to be very bitter, I know this I can tell from chatting with him. He feels an entitlement to me, to the kids, to our stuff etc.

I don't know where to draw the lines you can shower and shave but you cant stay the night... you can come over on certain days.....

I just don't know what to do and I don't want to get sucked back in or be put in a position where I feel uncomfortable around him and just have to deal with it. It's so much easier when he's miles away!

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lin0606


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Listen to your gut - our A's are very good at making us doubt ourselves. They are also very good at turning that inch we give them into a mile. You know him - is he likely to take that permission to shower and shave as an invitation to spend the night? You have every right not to allow things that make you uncomfortable, and "I don't feel comfortable with that" is enough of an explanation.

Is there anybody who can be there with you for support?

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kicky


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Carolina...ask yourself: What is best for ME?


1. Is it good for ME to give him money?


2. Is it good for ME to have him in my home let alone my shower?


3. Am I going to be better off seeing him face to face


Do what's best for YOU.


 If you want to see him...see him. If you don't then just say something like: "It's better for me to be alone right now."


You can say what you mean, without being mean.


 



-- Edited by kicky at 23:58, 2006-09-27

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artygirl


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Hi Carolina


I agree with what kicky said... do what you feel is best for you and your kids.


Take care... keep us posted...


Arty.



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carolinagirl


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Well if it were up to me I'd probably never see him again however since there are kids involved I don't have that luxury.  I am not sure what I feel like I owe him and what I don't considering I took everything when I moved out all the money all the stuff but also all the responsibility!


He did work and earn a majority of the money for the year but I am paying for 3 kids.


I get stuck in this trap frequently.....He needs money to get on his feet I think if he gets on his feet that will help me and the kids.  I have bailed him out a couple of times on this premise that it will benefit me and the kids in the end.  I just don't have any more faith in him to do what he is supposed to do.  Last night he asked for me to wire money and says that he contributed however much he made last year and now I can't give anything back.  I explained that this is what you are supposed to do to work and contribute it's not something you get bonus points for.  I do what I'm supposed to do too and I don't ask for extras!  Then I saw it as the blame conversation that it was and said I wasn't going to get sucked into that.


He's going to be in town today I just know it and I'm DREADING it!!  Now I'll have to hear about how mean I am to my face.


I guess the bottom line is I want to help him help himself but I don't want to enable him to continue drinking/using.  I need to work on my list of rules I guess. 


ALSO...NO, there's no one here to back me up, I have NO friends or family here.  He doesn't either which is going to make this 10 times harder!!!



-- Edited by carolinagirl at 11:37, 2006-09-28

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Diva


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I like Kicky's reply to you carolinagirl. Those are the questions you need to ask yourself. Remember to do what is best for YOU, and when you set a boundary, be prepared to stick with it whether or not you are face to face with the A.

Good luck, Diva

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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> a little help?