The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Anyone who has read my posts and remembers, I have a 36 yr old son diagnosed with bipolar/schizo affective. He stayed here with us for about 6 or 7 months when he gradually got worse ...kept having hallucinations and delusions of plots against him and most of the time his anger was directed at me...believing I was the one instigating all this.
He had no income..had not worked for 3 yrs because of a severe back injury. He got in with the mental health clinic locally and has been hospitalized in the psychicatric hospital around 5 times ... only for a 2 - 5 day stay. They give him his RX's and dismiss him. One of those times he called us to go down to get him (an hr's drive) but after we got there it was obvious he was still in the same shape and he didn't want to come back to our house. Since then he has been staying with a friend of ours in that town. This friend has been good to let him stay there, and my son did get on SSI which helped. He had medicaid to see the Dr's and get his Rx's.
However, one of the medications they had him on was seroquel, which has since been found to have a link with diabetes. His father was a diabetic so he told the Dr he wanted a different medication. The Dr told him and our friend that seroquel was all he would prescribe.
So then my son found a "Dr" that one of the people he met while in the hospital told him about, who would give him something different. Well he did ... but no antiphsycotic medication, only xanax ... which is what my son wanted so he could sleep.
Now for some reason the Social Security has raised the amount of his monthly check just enough that they say he is no longer eligible for the medicaid. Without that he can't afford to see a Dr and/or medications.
My friend called this morning and said my son has been delusional badly...he goes through spells like this. The biggest thing is that through all of this, my son has never accepted that he does have an illness or addiction to "self-prescribed medications" such as pot and alcohol. He seems to still believe his delusions.
I have been working my program ..still staying in touch with him but never really pushing the issue with his illness and need to see a real Doctor. I will say that the mental health care in our area is certainly not the best considering all the funding cuts and all. When we have taken him to the ER to get him admitted to the hospital it has been against his wishes and he will not open up and really be honest with the Dr's. He just constantly says he's "fine" and denies that any of the things have ever happened ... that we are just making it all up.
I am wondering, did I really detach with love? Or did I just give up and detach period?? Should I be doing something different to see that I do all that I can? Or do I just let what ever happens happen???
Kinda lost here right now....I've felt like I was letting go and letting God, but wonder if I should be doing something different here.
my ex ah is also bipolar and a few other things. he is currently not drinking and in aa. but still not back on the meds. and i asked once about it and he denyed having a mental illness. not a good sign. i just say a prayer that he gets better and learns to take care o f himself. while we were married i was his advocate. but it was hard for me because i didn't know where the line between enabling and advocating was. it is slightly easier for me right now because we are divorced. but we have 3 kids and he has no one else that understands. maybe he will in the future.maybe he will find someone else that understands but right now it's just me. in trying to stay detatched i listen to what he says and where he is emotionally and mentally. i suggest things and then let him take the actions that he sees fit. it is just so hard because the mental illness has so permentally destroyed parts of his brain and thinking processes. where as alcoholics can get sober and regain much of what they lost mentally, mentally ill people won't necessairly regain what they lose mentally.
it is hard. first and formost i have to protect myself. emotionally and physically. secondly i have to let him have his dignity. sick or not he is a grown up. i can't do for him what he can do for himself. and i also have to not feel guilty for helping him when i see he needs it. when he has tried and failed and he has asked for my help i try to not feel bad that i am helping him. mentally ill people need our help and our respect. don't be so hard on you. you love him. if your motives for detatching are pure then it will benefit you both. we all get tired and we all need to step back. try not to feel guility. you know you love him and you know that you need to take care of yourself.
Thanks! I'm still struggling with this but your post helps.
The thing is I have never been able to talk with him about how he is feeling or thinking...he won't open up with me because he is afraid I will put him back in the hospital again. So if I do ask him how he's doing it's always the "pat" answer...I'm fine..I'm fine. Which I know is not true but that's all he will say.
It;s true, of course I always struggle with the question did the drugs and alcohol bring on the illness or vice versa ... a chicken and egg thing I guess.
I also struggle so hard with the anger I feel because his own dad got him started in the drugs and drinking ...of course he's dead now so ...who is left to watch this happen???? He lost his marriage and children because of that (my son) and his dad just "fed" him with his anger and hurt.... because that's partly what split his dad and I apart and his dad never accepted the fact that he was an A himself. Even in his latter days when he needed a kidney transplant and Medicare told him if he would go to a rehab for his alcoholism they would pay for the transplant! Instead he refused to admit he was an A ...and so died shortly after that offer.
I know my God's thinking is way above mine, but some days it sure seems there are a lot of "gray" areas.
Actually, I take seroquil. The key here is that 1) do you have pre indicators (family history; weight; blood sugar; whatever); 2) are you taking steps and being active to control your part (exercise; eating sensibly; whatever)
One day, despite my best efforts, I may come up with diabetes. If your son is taking affirmative actions to stave off diabetes, he is doing his part; he can leave the results up to god, then. BUT, diabetes is treatable if it is with a person who is actively ready to fight it. Those who are "passive" in their treatment are, sometimes, the ones who lose legs, kidneys, eyesight, whatever.
Basically my son did read that about the seroquel and I can understand him telling the Dr he would like something else. Other than that, no, my son is not taking care of himself in any form or fashion.
From what I have seen in the past year, his day consist of sleeping till whatever time, watching tv, eating and that's it. When he goes for days without sleeping and the voices and hallucinations get so loud he will go for days talking to them and arguing with these "people" he "sees" or "hears" ... those are the worst days. That's when he is sure that the only reason that happens is that he needs the "meds" to help him sleep. He seems to convince himself that's all that is wrong with him. Those times when that happens are really scary though!! He really believes what he's seeing and hearing ... that is real to him.
He basically does nothing every day. That's why it hurts so badly to see this 36 yr old man , who in the past was so active and caring and loving just not even having a life!
The divorce which cost him his wife and 3 kids is something he cannot seem to turn loose of ...all the anger and hurt and resentment...and he will not discuss any of this with a Dr ...he says that's private and he's not talking about that with anyone.
I have never told him he could not come back here, but last year when he did live here I was at the point of no return for myself!! I worked so hard trying to get him some real help and it seemed that there was always a roadblock somewhere....usually because he seems to get so angry when delusional. I actually feared for my life at that time. And...that's when I started going to Al-Anon. I was so lost and desperate!! I don't want him to come back here to live, because I know nothing has changed ...and I don't know anything else I can do to help him. But, I love him so much!!!
I am not a mom so I can't speak as one.It's probably different with your child than with a spouse. I just wanted to give you some hugs and let you know I will pray for you and your son.I know this is painful for you.
In reading your response to Tiger, it sounds to me like you have done everything you could short of giving up your own life which no one should have to do.Sacrificing yourself is no help to him or you.Also, he does not seem at all willing to help himself.He is a grown man.Even mothers can only do so much.
I have had to live with this all of my life. My mother, sister and brother are all mentally ill. My sister is the least ill of all of them - she is ONLY bipolar and has major depressive disorder.
My mother and brother are OCD, plus Borderline, plus schizo, plus, plus, plus...My mother and brother have now been diagnosed with Dementia. My brother is also an A and drug user. My mother hasn't recognized me for 3 years now. My brother was just diagnosed with dementia.
My mother attempted suicide in 1987 - and has been in a nursing home ever since. When anyone tries to visit - she gets mean and hateful and tells us to leave after 5 minutes. (I live 6 hour drive away - so that has been hard for me).
My brother has made at least 4 suicide attempts - one of them was on my 19th birthday. When my mother attempted suicide, my brother became a complete recluse. He's 69 years old now. (In another post I've written about how he was just put into a nursing home.) My brother's friend found him an apartment in the projects, made sure my brother got on SSDI, manages my brother's bills and does the grocery shopping for my brother every other week. (If my brother's friend didn't do any of these things - my brother would starve to death.)
Before going into the nursing home - my brother wouldn't even clean himself - and urinated on himself regularly. My brother refuses to take ANY medications. He made it clear that I could visit him once/year - and only for a couple of hours. Like my mother, he "LIKES" being alone.
At first - I was hurt/angry/scared because I couldn't comprehend why anyone would want to live this way. I had to learn to let go of my mother, sister and brother. (My father, too - since he died in 1977). I was given something that helped me understand "letting go..." I hope it helps you, too.
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome in not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself. To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To "let go" is not to judge but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept. To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To "let go" is to fear less and love more.
The key here is that 1) do you have pre indicators (family history; weight; blood sugar; whatever); 2) are you taking steps and being active to control your part (exercise; eating sensibly; whatever) 