Endured an ugly exchange with my ex (A) last night that I faced with a sense of detachment and calm I dont think I've ever experienced before.  I'm so saddened by how things have degenerated between us, but I'm so grateful to Al-Anon for giving me tools, for helping me to understand what I can and can't control, for helping me to be responsible for myself and let go of the rest.  For one of the first times I'm trying to "accept the things I cannot change," but I still have pangs of self-doubt (did I do something wrong? do I owe an apology, a corrective action?)...

Scenario: My (ex)partner and split up several months ago (her initiation) yet still live together, as we are overseas and she can't afford a place on her own until she returns to the states.  It's a hard situation, but somehow in the last few weeks I've found a detachment to really "live and let live."  Last night she was furious because she was trying to purchase an airline ticket and I had removed her from our joint credit card account... this was not an action done in anger; it was something we discussed and she agreed to at least a month ago, and something I thought was important in moving toward financial separation, and ultimately her moving out. 

Unfortunately she didnt see it that way, didnt know/remember(?) I removed her from the card, and again accused me of "cutting her off."  (I acknowledge I am the primary breadwinner and she feels financially unstable although she does work.)  Her words quickly became profane, yelling, screaming, door slamming--anger I hadnt seen from her in a very long time, not really since she's been sober.  My heart was pounding, but somehow I stayed calm and said, "this is something we discussed and you agreed to."  We went to our separate rooms, and it broke my heart to hear her crying, but I left her alone.

I'm so confused: she asked for the separation and said she wanted no friendship, no interaction, just to be left alone, to be my "roommate" in our apartment until she returns to the US.  Yet clearly she has expectations (at least financial) that she has not communicated.  I dont know what she thinks I owe and I feel uncomfortable that she seems to believe I should pay (literally) for her choice to leave me.  It feels like she still wants the benefits of a relationship without wanting the relationship.

My heart still pounds a bit when I think of it and when I fight back all my old responses of guilt, a desire to apologize and fix everything.  I wrote a note to her last night--not apologizing, a first for me!--asking her to articulate her expectations and suggesting that we talk through what it is she needs financially to transition.  Did I go too far?  For once I don't really feel guilty, but I still question, have I done what I need to, what am I responsible for in this situation?   

Praying for the courage and strength to get this right...   Thanks for letting me share!