The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Recently I had the "opportunity" to share an aspect of the real, true Maria. I allowed myself to be vulnerable being very honest. Things did not turn out as I had thought, so I have been given the "opportunity" of using all the tools available in my Alanon toolbox.
To thine own self be true - no sense in living a lie. It serves me no purpose.
Will I meet up to someone else's expectations? Does that matter if I am being true to myself?
"What others think of me is none of my business" is another tool to help.
"God does for me what I sometimes cannot do for myself." OK I HEAR THAT. If (and that's a big IF) I allow God to work his plan for me, He's already got the big picture figured out. I just know that God has the "Maria's Blueprints" out on his drafting table here lately. Hopefully I am not causing Him to make many addendums.
So I digress a moment here and realize that "pain is inevitable; suffering is optional." Do I need to grieve this loss? Yep, sure do. I've been through Denial this past week and briefly hit upon Anger; Bargaining - no sense there because it's back to thine own self be true; yesterday was a bit of tears (I guess that's the Depression aspect and nothing homemade cherry, vanilla chip ice cream won't soothe ) and now I "patiently" await Acceptance -- the final stage of grieving.
And then today while coming home from school and choosing a literary piece for my Thesis, I thought wow - this story could be about me [Ernest Hemingway's - A Well, Lighted Place]. The professor asked me if my thesis statement was true. "Solitary people need a place of refuge from their terrible awareness that their lives are essentially meaningless."
I am by nature a solitary person. I like my aloneness more often than not. That enters the age-old question: Is aloneness lonely?
Ok so now the tool I may want to use is "if I have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow (projecting the future), I am pissing on today" not the most pleasing visual but effective in my worrying about the future.
So that only leaves two tools left "This too shall pass" and "When you've done all the footwork you can, the only thing left to do is HAVE FAITH."
Oh yeah one final thought "keep coming" and I think I shall.
Maria(123)
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
When we take the chance to be vulnerable with another, what we're really saying to ourselves and to this other person we're sharing with is "I trust you enough to let you see this part of me; I trust myself enough to be this open with you; I trust us enough to know that we will survive no matter what happens, even if we are not an us." This is an essential of any relationship, be it with a sponsor, or a sponsee, or God, or whomever, simply because we need to realize at a certain point that attempting to hide our truest selves is like trying to hide a lit candle under a basket: the basket catches fire, the lit candle is judged to be the cause, and it would have been SO much easier to just let the candle shine--if I am trying to hide myself in a relationship, some how, in someway, someday, my "candle" or whatever it is I'm hiding WILL come out, and it might be in a damaging way. Some way that leaves more than me hurt.
I think also when we take the risk to be intimate with another--especially when it is not returned--what we are looking for is something so innate within all humans, that babies are trained to look for it from their mothers: approval. I hear old timers in AA and Al Anon pointificate about how they spent so long "going to dry wells for water" and how, one magnanimous, watershed day, the light came on, the connection was made, and no longer do they need approval from anyone but themselves or God. Forgive me as I die laughing. I believe, quite firmly, that at any given time, we are in process with our Higher Power on any number of issues: for example, where as I may no longer seek approval from my immediate superiors where I work, I continue to seek approval from my parents, dry wells if there ever were ones. Additionally, I believe it is awareness and continued action that yield acceptance. I am loathe to believe that BOOM! one day someone "Just Got It!" (although it is possible, given this is a program based on God)--I often times find that these same people who are so bedrock in their program and pontificate so readily are so deftly silent when they personally are under duress. Perhaps they are in the midst of divorce; perhaps someone they love has passed on; et cetera--at the time they need to take their own advice the most, they listen the least.
So cut yourself some slack. Take it a day at a time. Let go, let god. And remember, part of live and let live talks about us living.
Sounds as if you are really working on some deep things. (I can relate )
One thing you might consider, you said "Things did not turn out as I had thought" and "Will I meet up to someone else's expectations." Could it have been your expectations that were not met by this other person? Not the other way around?
My experience is that when I open up to someone, I often hope that they are going to receive me in a certain way -- when I'm not, then it is my expectation of them that gets me into trouble.
The bottom line though, when I go thru the process of checking out myself -- my motives, issues, and/or any uneasy feelings-- and I am okay w/ me, then whatever that other person may feel about me is theirs and I don't have to worry or spend one more minute on it because I am okay w/ me. If I'm not okay w/ me, then I have more work to do.
Once upon a time there was a woman named SenoraBob...yeah I know it's an awful name for a girl...teehee. She was once married to a mean ogre. Having divorced the ogre, he continued to cause trouble by trying to get custody of the child they had together. This child was special and had many gifts of insight and perspective that he had given to SenoraBob, and she wasn't willing to give him up to the ogre to raise. The ogre wanted the child because the child had a pot of gold in his possession. So the ogre shouted bad words and mean accusations at SenoraBob trying to convince the King that the child should live with him. SenoraBob remained true to herself and went through the process of convincing the King that the child belonged with her. The ogre gave up his battle to gain custody of the child when he realized the pot of gold would turn into worthless rocks if the child came to live with him. So, the ogre gave up, and the child stayed with SenoraBob.
The moral of the story??? Own what is yours and remain true to yourself. As you said, HP has a plan and all you can do is take the next right step. Staying true to yourself is your strength. And as one of our lovely friends is so fond of saying; I love ya and there ain't a darned thing you can do about it!!!
P.S. It also doesn't hurt to kick the ogre in the nuts a time or two!!!
Much Love, SenoraBob
__________________
Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
Hemingway is my favorite author. What a good choice.
There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. How often have you heard me say that in this room? There is nothing wrong with that. What I love about hubby is that we are fiercely independent. We love being with each other, but also love our time apart. Because I work retail, I really don't want to be around people much after that. I have my friends, and we value each other immensly. But here again, I surround myself with people who are as independent as I am. But in a NY minute we'd be there for each other.
Stay true to whom you are. Only you know you. I love what Senora says: "Own yourself." That Senora is brilliant. What brainpower! Remember Shakespeare: "To thine own self be true." If you try to be what everyone expects you to be, you loose yourself. I'm not saying that bad habits shouldn't be changed. But whom you are deep inside is whom you are suppose to be. You are also right where you are suppose to be. That was a moment for me when I accepted that.
Love and blessings to you dear friend.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
We love ya no matter what. And yeah, you're stuck with us so get use to it.
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
((((((((((((Sarah, Luna, Senora, Kari and Peewee)))))))))))),
Thank you my wonderful, beautiful friends for replying to my post. You can't know how much your love and support has meant to me this week. Your friendship means the world to me. Without friends, I would not be here.
Love you all very much, Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
) and now I "patiently" await Acceptance -- the final stage of grieving.
This is an essential of any relationship, be it with a sponsor, or a sponsee, or God, or whomever, simply because we need to realize at a certain point that attempting to hide our truest selves is like trying to hide a lit candle under a basket: the basket catches fire, the lit candle is judged to be the cause, and it would have been SO much easier to just let the candle shine--if I am trying to hide myself in a relationship, some how, in someway, someday, my "candle" or whatever it is I'm hiding WILL come out, and it might be in a damaging way. Some way that leaves more than me hurt. 
Forgive me as I die laughing. I believe, quite firmly, that at any given time, we are in process with our Higher Power on any number of issues: for example, where as I may no longer seek approval from my immediate superiors where I work, I continue to seek approval from my parents, dry wells if there ever were ones. Additionally, I believe it is awareness and continued action that yield acceptance. I am loathe to believe that BOOM! one day someone "Just Got It!" (although it is possible, given this is a program based on God)--I often times find that these same people who are so bedrock in their program and pontificate so readily are so deftly silent when they personally are under duress. Perhaps they are in the midst of divorce; perhaps someone they love has passed on; et cetera--at the time they need to take their own advice the most, they listen the least. 
) 
moment for me when I accepted that.