Hi everyone,

I’m back.  Did some more research again & WHAT a lesson…..why do I do this to myself?  Again & again?

I have no one to blame but myself!

I had a no-where job, no-where life so I decided to put in my notice with my apartment complex.  I just couldn’t afford it anymore.  I was going to move in family & save money.  Been on disability also after having surgery to repair arteries in my legs.  Had some savings so I wasn’t on the street or anything.  I really wasn’t in a desperate situation but it felt that way.

Time came up, my A invited to live with him in a roommate situation.  The third roommate was leaving so I could take his room, then my A & me would have some space.  

I figured it was worth a shot.  I really wanted to go & be with him.  I was going to sell everything and bring what I could fit in the bed of my truck with a tarp.  Five hour drive in Florida where you never know about the rain in the summer.

Then a fair-weather friend comes by & stays 2 nights with her daughter as I’m packing and selling stuff.  We were drinking a lot.  She did, however, didn’t fail to bring me a pint of vodka every morning.  We end up on beer by the afternoon.

Meanwhile, My A is NOT coming down to help me.  He’s off from work, no excuses there.  His car is bad, I say take a bus.   I NEED HELP.  I knew she was taking advantage but my disease held me hostage.   He knew it too & pretty much wrote me off anyway.  He always does so it was no surprise.

This fair-weather friend decided to take me swimming to her friends house out in the country.  Nice guy who rents a house by himself & is looking for roommates.  He’s very religious but not too much, ya know what I mean.  Eight years younger than me & a gentleman.  I shared his bed that first night.  That’s all we shared.  A bed.  No sex or monkey business. 

I having anxiety 24/7.  My apartment is empty.  I have no where to go.  I’m so lost.

The next day, we made a deal.  Neither of us is looking for a relationship.  Just roommates.  NOTHING ELSE.  The deal is made.  I take a room on the other side of the house.

Now I have to move what is left of my stuff. 

What do I do?

I get more drunk.  He was going to help me but I made a fool of myself.  Incidentally, the FW friend, bought a BIG bottle of GIN.  I think she was confused & thought it was vodka.  Anyway, I drank it.  My OWN doing.   

IT WAS MY CHOICE TO DRINK.

I’m not blaming her for MY drinking.  SHE DIDN’T FORCE ME.  I could’ve said NO.  But Gin & me are worse than vodka.  I made a fool of myself with him & his bed.  My FW friend got mad.  He got mad. 

Stupid me!

I’m lucky he didn’t throw me out on the spot.  Turns out my FW friend got banished from the property.

Maybe he saw what was going on or what, I don’t know.  I know this, he’s a sweet guy & I respect him.  Very understanding & a beautiful person.

During my sober moments & in between, I’m sitting on this porch THANKING MY HP for putting me here.  I’M FLABBERGHASTED that I wound up somewhere safe and so peaceful.   There’s a reason. 

I have asked for my HP’s will, NOT MINE.  Well, here it is.  It’s a beautiful property.  We have four ducks that were raised here.  

It’s a place to heal.  I have the freedom here to be me. 

THEN I went back to work last week after two months disability.  It was hell.  Like a fool, I walked out after 4 days.  They’ve been trying to push me out & I let them win.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  The anxiety is bad these days.  My family hates me because of all this.

So now, I’m here.  My life has changed dramatically.  For the first time in 7 years, I baked a cake!

Went out on a job interview this morning, I was crying afterward.

I just feel beaten up emotionally.

Haven taken a drink three days.  Don’t want one.  Went to church on Sunday. 

Got my room set up with my computer & printer.  There are so many things to do here to keep me busy. 

Trying to trust in my HP.  There’s no romance with my new roommate, but we talk about religion & spiritually and he’s becoming a good friend. 

Faxed out some resumes this morning.

Oh yeah, the incident with me crying after my job interview. I figured it out.  Just before all this happened, my elderly cat ran away.  He was very thin & just disappeared one night.  This morning we had a stray cat show up, I think it brought some emotions that I had processed yet.  Everytime, I saw this stray, I cried. 

Someone wrote a holistic prayer here on the boards to Mother Earth.  I printed it out & read it almost daily with my other devotionals. 

Thanks for being here. 

I’m still reeling from it all.  Trying to make the right choices.

I’m praying so often these days.  I guess they’re being answered….

Love,

Christine

P.S. Haven’t heard from my A in a week & I really don’t care anymore.  I wish him peace, but I don’t miss his harsh words anymore.