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I hope all of you had a good weekend. My weekend was nice, I spent some good quality time with my kids and the A. One thing I noticed for me is my anger. I do believe I read somewhere I think it was Codependent No More that once a person begins to heal from Codependency and begins growing in the program and exercising boundaries the anger and other emotions seem to come up to the surface. I have this great need to protect myself lately and have been really tightening up on my consistency in disciplining the children and setting and keeping boundaries with the A. Our therapist explained to me visually last week that there is an imaginary "plumbline"; which I'm guessing represents the "norms" and stability in relationship, family, work, etc. She said that my job in the family is too keep the A as close to the plumbline as possibly. She said that a relationship with an addict is almost like having an ADHD child in that you can't give very much wiggle room or the A will be all over the place. Made sense to me. She basically said that the bittersweet part of being in a relationship with an addict is that it forces me to take care of me and my boundaries. The ups and downs are going to happen because thats just life with an A. I got that part, interesting that since my session on Thursday these little opportunities of standing up for what I will tolerate and not tolerate present themselves.
So I find myself sometimes being so strict that I don't feel like I'm allowed to have any fun. Our therapist basically said that my A loves it when i take care of my needs because then I don't look at him to meet any needs. Well, I don't think that's fair or healthy. On one hand I'm grateful for the recent surge in emotions and awareness it is helping me really distinguish what's acceptable to me and what's not. On the other hand I feel like it turns me back into the "mean mommy" that I was so sick and tired of last year when I found this message board. Anyone know what I'm talking about?
Just looking for ESH on what people have done with those emotions and feelings that seem to pop up because they've been stuffed down for so long.
Living life one day at a time,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Thanks for sharing that. I have found myself stirring a pot full of anger too. I think I know why, but it will take some practice to get over it.
For me, it seems to come when I see us trying to use the same useless tactics to fix things. I get frustrated because I see them as useless now, and she doesn't. That's not really her fault, just frustrating non the less.
Again, thanks for putting that out there. I was beginning to think my program was taking a big detour, but I am acturally seeing the road now where before I was driving along with blinders on. It's different, but pot holes and all, it will be better as soon as I get a feel for it.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Boy do I relate! Not long after getting into this program I had to deal with anger surfacing.So I guess it is recovery.It has to surface in order to be dealt with.
The thing I have a problem with is something you mentioned in your second paragraph.My AH does like it when I keep myself busy and never ask for anything from him.I am getting pretty good at that now,since we are going to be separating,I may as well.But I agree with you that it does not seem fair.It also does not seem like a healthy relationship.He loves it when I look after my own needs so he doesn't have to? I would think as my HUSBAND he would WANT to.I know there is a line,and I have been guilty of crossing it,to the point that I expected him to meet ALL my needs.I realize now that no one can do that.But I still think he should want to meet SOME of them if he loves me and wants to keep me.
I'm sure your therapist is knowledgeble but I would have a problem with it being MY job to keep the alcohlic in line.So, I am supposed to mother him,keep him near the plumbline,meanwhile not ask for or expect any of my needs to be met??Actually, that pretty much describes the way I have been living for a very long time.I don't recommend it.The A resents being mothered and I resent being empty and feeling alone in my marriage.
I guess this struck a nerve I had under the surface, huh? I am probably not helping you at all.I'm sorry.Guess I'll shaddup ( as David62 says).
You made me smile in your post because when the therapist showed me that drawing I had the same reaction. I am still fuzzy on what she exactly meant my role to be because in my opinion the A should keeping himself close to the plumbline. Part of what I gathered is that my responsibility is to stay clear on my boundaries and follow through with the consequences I have told him I would do. The biggest part of that session was her finding out what I did that caused my A to respond so well. The only thing I could say was "I took care of myself regardless of what he was doing, not doing, whether he was with me or not". I was finally able to detach with love for the first time in a long time. She just encouraged me to keep that up. I think part of the anger I am feeling is at myself because before recently I was not taking care of myself although I thought I was. Emotionally I was not decompressing I was not standing up for myself and what I want. Now I've put some value to my needs and basically told the A what my needs are and have said these are the needs I feel are important for you to meet if you can't then there's the door. Man that felt good to say and mean it.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
funny that the therapist used the comparison of an adhd child. that's exactly how I feel when he's around that I have 4 children I have to cook for, clean after, etc. and he's the meanest messiest neediest of them all. I have 3 kids I HAVE to take care of and be responsible for I don't need 4!
I can remember feeling that anger about "always being the one to take care of everything." It is somewhat fuzzy tho (the memories), I mean, I can recall a few incidents clearly, but not the everyday anger I had.
What I can see now tho is this. I did not give my A credit for what he did do. He did always work and provide for our physical needs. He did and still does do his best at providing what he is able to for our emotional needs. I could not see that because I always expected more. I expected something "normal and healthy", even when I too was not "normal and healthy".
It helps me more to look at today, at what I have today. The past few days I've been in a mood. I have been so tired all of the time. My A is a truck driver, he is on the road more than he is at home. I deal with the house, the kids, the finances, our rental house, the animals, and so on and so on. I am tired. I am so tired.
He is on the road. He is alone. He lives in that small confined space in the truck, opening cans to eat, sometimes goes into the truck stop restaurant. He cannot just take a nap when he is tired, if he doesn't sleep well at night...well he still has to meet his delivery deadline, he has to drive and get there. To shower or just use the bathroom, he has to plan ahead. I have gone on a road trip with him. Showering was such a luxury. Finding a rest area or somewhere big enough to pull a truck into to use the bathroom was worth its weight in gold. It is not a job I would ever in a million years choose to do. He did not know any other way to make money tho when his computer consulting dried up, so he went back to trucking. He too is alone and tired.
I really miss him at times. At times I can't wait for him to leave again... LOL The thing that has shown me something tho is this. We were talking the other day over the phone and I told him how very tired I was, how I had thought of calling him earlier to say "just come home". His truck is in the shop right now, the repairs are costing 3 times what they expected. He was going to come home this week, but had decided to stay out on the road for another few weeks to earn the money to cover these repairs. He said to me "do you need/want me to come home?" I replied "I don't know, I'm just tired today, ask me tomorrow." He called the next day and asked me again. Yes, I'd like for him to come home. Yes, I'd like to just be taken care of for a while. But do I NEED for him to come home right now? He already has planned to be home on Oct. 8 (our anniversary is the 10th). That is just 2 weeks away. I can wait. The fact that despite his worry over the money, the need to keep working to earn it.... he was willing to tell his company "I need to go home for a few days" ... that was really all I needed.
I was supposed to plan for our anniversary, decide where to go away to for a few days. We talked about that. I told him I was fine with just staying home, maybe going out to dinner. Maybe I'll suggest to him taking a walk around the Sequoia's in Yosemite (we live 15 miles away). I don't need expensive things. I don't need a hotel room away from home. Perhaps the best gift is just keeping things simple, not causing more stress over money matters.
Years ago I might have been angry about all this. Years ago I couldn't see all sides of this. Years ago I wouldn't have seen that taking some of the burden off of him ALSO takes some of the stress and burden off of me. If he were in charge of our finances I'd be a basketcase of stress... LOL
Today is a day I really miss him.
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
To me, the way to look at the 'not fairness' of us looking after ourselves making life easier for the A, is to remember that they did not choose to be this way.
It's not really a case of what should or should not be, but of what IS. An alcoholic is not capable of being a 'normal' spouse. That is just a fact, and disliking it and resenting it won't change one thing. It's like disliking the weather.
We have the choice of learning to live with this and find joy in our marriages anyway, or deciding that we deserve better, and leaving. We do not have the choice of having a 'normal' marriage with this spouse. Even when (if) they find recovery, the disease will ravage them for years afterwards. Your recovered A will not just be your A without the drinking - it will be another person. If you are lucky, you will love this person. However, you may not. This program does not promise to save marriages, just to save lives.
It's no more fair or unfair than cancer, or earthquakes, or getting hit by a bus. This is the hand that life has dealt us. We can play it best we can, or we can throw it in and ask for another deal. What we can't do is pretend our dueces are aces, and then complain when they don't win us any tricks.