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I am having an issue to deal with that I just don't know how to handle.
My A son and dil will be finalizing a divorce next month. I have come to accept that. My 2 granddaughters, ages 4 and 6 are still asking why daddy is not coming back to live with them. It is heartbreaking! When he first left, due to his drinking, dil explained to them that daddy was sick and needed to get well. They said prayers for him every night to get better so he could come home.
This past year has brought about other issues. It seems that A son wanted out of the marriage. He was not happy in the relationship and said that it contributed to his drinking so much...(that is his thought because he truly is an A) He tried to make a go of it but after 2 years said he could not take it anymore. He felt very controlled by dil and mil and felt he did not have any say in anything in the relationship.
Being an A and suffering from ALOT of low self esteem he never talked about things with dil about how he was feeling...he just drank more and more to cover up the pain he was feeling. So, when dil decided she could take no more and made him leave, that was his way out without having to deal with anything confrontational.
Now...her is my heartache and dilema....the girls are asking questions. They miss their daddy and they want him to come home. Again...he cannot bring himself to talk to them and explain why he is not coming home. I guess he just wants his wife to handle everything like she always has. DIL is so frustrated and just doesn't know what to say to them anymore.
I talked to A son last night about how the girls were feeling. OMG, he is so hard to have ANY conversation with. He becomes so defensive and acts like you are putting him down. He does see the girls and him and dil have a civil relationship. I just don't know how he is ever going to be able to deal with these kind of things without seeking therapy or getting into recovery.
He will not attend any events for the girls if dil's parents are going to be there. He finds an excuse and then cannot handle the guilt he feels from it. If he doesn't get help I am afraid that he is going to hurt his girls deeply. He doesn't have to be married to their mother but he does need to make an effort to help them get through this.
I am going to be with them this weekend. I feel I need to set them down and have a talk with them. I don't want to make excuses for their dad but I also do not want them to hurt and keep wishing for him to come home.
just love them. and pray that the right words will come to you so that you may give those girls a little peace and understanding. my in laws completly dumped me and my kids when my ex ah decided to drink again. we were totally ignored by them when my mil could have been a big help for the kids (and me). so, i think it is really wonderful that you are finding a way to love your son and still be there for your grandkids (and dil). i suppose what would have been helpful to me as a child in an alcoholic home was if someone had told me the 3 c's. i grew up thinking that i was the cause and therefore i could be the solution. i guess loving them extra right now because they are missing the love they need from their father would also be important. you sound strong and like your motives are pure so they are very lucky little girls despite their pain in this moment. good luck.....
Gailey, you know that I have a somewhat similar situation altho the grandchild is only 15 months old and not at the point where he asks questions. He will, however, and the way things are going (one day up and positive and the next down and dirty) he will have a very difficult time understanding. I will not abandon my dil regardless of how hurt and upset I get at her at times; she makes it difficult lots of times for my son to see his child. I understand that she is just "giving him his comeuppance" still and perhaps it will change eventually. He reacts with hurt and anger and tears...the whole gamut. But the divorce decree gave him absolutely nothing good (that is a whole long unbelievable story) so he has no grounds to act on and at this point, shouldn't. He must quit drinking completely and prove it before he could challenge. I think your idea to sit down with your grandchildren and talk to them about it is a good thing. You will be understanding and compassionate and perhaps it will relieve their minds a bit to have someone talk to them. Your son is probably like most a's and into his own misery so much he can't see his way clear to talk to them. I am sure his hurt is deep and unending. Even IF he wanted out of the marriage...divorce is a death and must be grieved. I am glad for you that you say you can accept their divorce because I have not and cannot accept my children's. It happened too fast and the terms were too harsh considering the background and the situation. As I have told you before I am not sure my son is an A....I am sure that he drinks too much. I am always confused whether there is a difference??? You are in my thoughts and prayers as you continue to help your family through.
Where I live (Canada) there is a program that the two adults (mother & father) have to attend (I think?), not sure if it is manditory? My son went with his ex. He was dreading it, but after the 1st part, was so glad he had gone. It teaches the parents what to say to the kids, etc. It also prepares them for court regarding child support, etc. A lawyer and Physcoligist (sp?) are volunteers who teach it. Maybe there is something like that where you live? My son was really glad he had gone, and is looking forward to part 2. Hope this helps.
It is so heartbreaking for the kids, no matter what you think of the adults.. I cry for them. Love, TLC
The absolute BEST thing is also the most PAINFUL thing. It's to stay out of it.
We al anons are fixers We want everyone to be happy. To be out of pain. To not be angry. But the irony is that when we do interviene, we can make what is bad worse. Given how FANTASTIC your recovery is, your intelligence and your sensitivity, I have NO DOUBT that your daughter has this too. So long as she knows she can come to you for help, she can leave the kids with you et cetera, you are doing everything you can.
The girls are acting appropriately for their age. They are doing fine. What they need is structure--and I have no doubt that your daughter is giving that to them. I have no doubt that your daughter is directing their lives in a well organized fashion, so that they know, for example, that they go to bed at a certain time, eat at a certain time, have school at a certain time. It is important, here too, that they be told that it is NOT THEIR FAULT that this is happening. I vividly remember at 17 when this was going on feeling terribly guilty at my parents divorce.
