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Good Morning All....Today is day 10 of my A being gone, and even with him being gone he STILL has my household in an uproar, except now its the fact that he gone that is causing trouble,my 16 year old loves my A (as does everybody else) and cant get over the fact that hes gone, now he has made up his mind that he wants to go live with his dad (also an A) because Im the reason my A is gone and everything is my fault, nobody wants to be around me thats why my other two sons moved out, by the way my other two are 20 and 21, and if I wouldnt nag my A so much he wouldnt drink so much and I wouldnt of asked him to leave.... all my fault, I dont understand...why am I the bad person here? He seems to think I asked my A to leave just because Im tired of him....I love my A with everything inside me, I can see the life we could have without him drinking,my heart aches every second of everyday that hes not here but I know that as long as hes drinking the life I want will never happen, I dont want my boys to learn the A way of life, that everything will be ok as long as you can get the beer can to your mouth...now I wonder if maybe I was wrong, do I have the right to make so many people unhappy just to be happy myself? I asked my son to go to a f2f meeting with me to try to understand things a bit more and he said "Why are you going to bother with that now that youve run him off, hes not here so you have no reason to go to a meeting" and I HAVE wondered that myself...and I dont know the answer...maybe I havent really accepted the fact that it really is over between us,and hope to find a way that we can work it out, maybe I just need to learn how to move on,maybe I do feel guilty for giving up on us...I dont know, but I do feel the need to go to a f2f...for me, not anyone else....when I told my A awhile back I was going to go to a meeting to see what they had to say he told me al-anon is just a "REPROGRAMING" that makes people learn to live with just about anything...dont help at all...how the hell would he know??? I should of went then. The meeting in our town is AA & AL. I was in the AA meetings with him when I should have been in the al-anon for me....I have accepted the fact that nothing I do will change him but maybe it wouldnt hurt to try to change myself a little bit...do people go to Al-Anon AFTER their relationship with their A is over?? Thank you all for listening to me ramble on once again...hope you all have a good day!!!
Can't help you with the teenager which is why I have a cat! lol However, I do know that there are many people who continue with Alanon once the A leaves, or gets sober. I can't imagine not having my Alanon now that hubby is sober. Readjusting to life with a sober A or readjusting to life without an A (which I had to do when I asked hime to leave while he was still active) is hard. The dynamics change. We change. I think it's helpful to have a program in place. I'm finding I need it more than ever. IMHO
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am thinking that I wish I would have had Alanon well into place before A son was active. I had an A father, which I no longer have, but the lifestyle I grew up with has left me with many, many non-coping skills. Now I have passed them on to my A son.
I would say...."Stay with the program no matter what"
Of course people keep coming after the A has left. For one thign, how can you go through all of this by yourself? The guilt, the doubt, the pain... you need some support.
The other reason people keep coming is that if we don't change whatever it was in ourselves that made us choose this A in the first place, we will go straight from this relationship with an A into another one. It is no accident that you got together with him, it is no accident that your son's father is an A. Most of us have done this - until we get some recovery ourselves, we continue to make choices that are not good for us.
I've got a 16 year old son, too, and all I can offer you is this - it's normal for kids this age to blame everything on their parents. In this case, he has been living with alcoholism in his home (for his whole life?) and that also is bound to have affected him. Don't let him guilt you out - you made your choices for your own good reasons. However, do recognize that he is in pain. Try to be as clearheaded as you can with him, try not to react, but to actually think about what you say and do with him, keeping his best interests and yours in the front of your mind. The more you can keep your emotions in check with him the better - let the love shine through, though. Then you can come here and blow off the steam afterwards. I have found with my teens that letting them talk really helps - they have all of this emotion that they need to let out. Than once they have had their say, I can say "I understand how you feel, but I can't allow ...(whatever) however, I can let you do blah blah" This is hard - these kids know how to push our buttons, but it is possible. When I do blow up at them, I make a point of apologizing later when I've calmed down - it doesn't hurt them to know that their words and actions can hurt us, and that we can make mistakes but try to make amends later. If at all possible, try not to make decsions with him in the heat of the moment - it's OK to say "I can't talk about this now, I'm too upset, I'll get back to you on it".
It's beyond me why people find alcoholism acceptable and the non-offending spouse is often the evil one. I have a 16 yr. old son and did not hide the alcoholism from him. He felt the blows when Dad didn't show up for something he had promised to. He saw my sadness when A would do the same to me. He also understands alcoholism is a disease. I consider myself lucky that I did not put his Dad on a pedestal for him or pretend he was something other then an alcoholic. I think when we are in the codependent roll we often try to protect the A and hide much what they are doing. The result is that we catch the blame because we have made everything look as rosy as possible to the outside world. That's just one of the parts in alcoholism we play.
Why do we need Alanon after they are gone? Many reasons. To find and know your truth and feel secure in your decisions. To learn what you will not put up with ever again. To learn what to say to people that blame you and not let their words bother you. To know in your heart that you are not to blame.
In a sense your A is right. Alanon is reprogramming. Reprogramming from years of doubt, insecurities and manipulation. Alanon not only can reprogram your "stinking thinking" but will make you strong in your convictions, understand who you are and you will have a support system for the rest of your life. How cool is that?
I liken Alanon to living in a cocoon for years and emerging a butterfly.
Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
The reason you still need Alanon is because you have been affected by the disease of alcoholism.Those affects do not go away because the A gets sober or leaves.I did not even realize how the disease had shaped the person I had become until I decided to stay with the program and keep an open mind this time.Many of the 'character defects' I have are directly related to living with alcoholics.The fear,uncertainty,distrust....controlling,manipulating...it goes on.
I attended an Alanon lead meeting many years ago and the speaker was the widow of an A.Her mother asked her why she still went to Alanon since her husband was dead.She said "Because,mom, I'm not".That's it.As long as I live I will be learning and yes,reprogramming myself to new and healthier ways to live and have peace and serenity,a priceless gift this program can give.
As you take the 12 steps,attend meetings,share and listen you will see changes in yourself and your life.Your sons will see the change in you too.I have only been coming to Alanon 6 months this time and my AH sees a definite change in me.It's not that any of this is my fault, or yours.Yes,THEY are the ones who have the disease.But in trying to cope with living with them and their disease we have learned ways of reacting that are not healthy or beneficial to us.( or to them) Just as their disease affects everyone attached to them, our reactions affect those around us as well.When we learn new ways of coping and finding serenity,the whole atmosphere can change.
I hope you will go to meetings and continue to come to MIP and share.There is much experience,strength,and hope here.The meetings online are great as well.The choice is yours of course.You can always "get your misery back' as they say if you don't like it.
Have you ever heard the saying "You can't 'un ring' the bell?" How when we were kids it was about "thinking before you acted?" They never told you about the OTHER meaning!
The bell attracts the attention when it gets rung. Everyone is looking for the the sound, right?
They miss that the bell didn't ring ITSELF. Someone had to do THAT!
And you, my dear, are the bell in this case. Your husband, the bell ring-er.
It's easier to "blame the messenger" or "look for the bell" than to "look for the bell ring er" because it's the one attracting attention. It's the one in the center of the bullseye. There's nothing else going on. BUT--if there were more of an inventory, an honest examination going on, EVERYONE would admit "This wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to 'pick up and leave.' He was supposed to JUST STOP. He was supposed to be my father....my friend...my employee...my husband....(fill in blank of significant role that the alcholism has disabled your husband to do)."
You keep going to those AA and al anon meetings. Even you gotta admit you came out feeling SOMETHING, even if your husband didn't. And ask for phone lists. Ask someone to sponsor you. And if someone tries to manipulate you into accepting guilt, you can say "I'm sorry you feel that way." Or, as my grandma used to say "Silence speaks volumes without saying a word."
However, I do know that there are many people who continue with Alanon once the A leaves, or gets sober. I can't imagine not having my Alanon now that hubby is sober. Readjusting to life with a sober A or readjusting to life without an A (which I had to do when I asked hime to leave while he was still active) is hard. The dynamics change. We change. I think it's helpful to have a program in place. I'm finding I need it more than ever. IMHO