The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi. this is my first time posting. i am new to this board, and boards in general. i am 33 years old and have been dating an alcoholic for about a year. i have been to one alanon meeting and found it extremely helpful. i plan on going to more meetings...many more. i know that i need support and do not want to exhaust all of my friends and my family with this. i have a therapist and a spiritual practice but i still find myself overwhelmed, spilling over and needing something more to support me in this.
you know, what shocks me about my current experience is that in a culture so full of alcoholics people seem to know very little about this disease. cultural denial i suppose. no one wants to see this disease for what it is...least of all me...least of all my alcholic boyfriend.
when i met him it was love at first sight for me and for him. we fell for each other quickly. our relationship was 'different' than all of the others we have had. we were more open, more present with each other than we had been able to be in the past, with our other partners. we have talked about his drinking from the beginning (well, almost the beginning). it has been a concern, something he wanted to change, something that plagued him. he's been drinking since he was 13. heavily since 16 or so. i didn't see it at first, i heard about it but i didn't see it and feel it until he became suicidally depressed (and i also found out that he's had suicidal ideation since 16). from the outside the guy looks pretty 'high functioning'. he graduated from graduate school with honors...one of the most prestigious schools in the country...he is very intelligent...creative. when he graduated from school he completely lost it. panic attacks, couldn't leave the house, suicidal thoughts, binge drinking, withdrawing from me. he has never hit me, cheated on me, been arrested he just withdraws and then of course when he feels desperate and scared that i might leave he shows up emotionally, sometimes cries, and reassures me that even in his darkest moments he knows that he loves me and wants to be with me and that he wants to work this out (wants to get his drinking and and depression and life 'under control'). he doesn't want to do things with me. he becomes selfish and obsessed with drinking or not drinking. he is moody. sometimes he can think of nothing else but alcohol. one night he sat with me and held a bottle of jack daniels in his hand and stared at it, smelled it, and talked about it (the label and the images it conjured, the mythology associated with it, it's lure). it was disturbing to me. one night he drank half a bottle of bushmills in ten minutes and ended up on my floor crying and telling me how he wanted to end his life. i have compassion for my fellow sufferers, i cultivate compassion for myself. i have compassion for him. it broke my heart to see him there on my floor in so much pain. since then everything has been on the table--his alcholism, his depression, his pain, his self-hatred. everthing is on the table. all of the time. everything except for me. i have completely disappeared. i keep fighting for my place in his life, for my place in our life together but there doesn't seem to be one. i tell him this. i ask him to get more help and tell him that i can't watch him kill himself with booze and then he says he'll quit. he doesn't. he starts thinking about hospitalization, then he talks himself out of the need for it and says, 'maybe i'll just go to aa or something.' oh please. do people really just up and decide, 'hm, hopitalization, no, i'll just do the aa thing, i've heard it's pretty cool.' i think he's stalling. i think he wants to keep drinking and he doesn't want to lose me so he'll say anything.
and here is what kills me--when he's drunk he can actually connect (and i've found myself wanting to drink with him because i'm starved for connection, and we've talked about it...the enabling). and i know that when he's drinking it isn't real connection but at this point i feel so lonely that i take what i can get. and this just makes me sick inside.
i know that drinking is killing him. it is also killing me. i know i have to leave him. we have talked about alcohol openly for 5 months and he's done nothing to help himself but dry up for a few days at a time. he is barely here. he is like the walking dead. and i feel dead when i am with him. and i feel sad that i have lost him. but i have lost him. and i realize there is nothing i can do but let go, with love. as long as i stay i think he'll keep drinking and i love him too much to watch him kill himself and i love myself too much to allow myself to go with him. and i know all of this now but how can i keep knowing it when i say it to him this week? how can i let go? i know that my letting go is the most loving thing i can do for both of us...but the thought of losing him... i am so sad. i guess i want to know how to have a clear boundary even if he tells me he's going to go get treatment right way. he'll change. he'll go to a meeting a day. he'll step up his therapy to twice a week. he's already asked to go to couples therapy but i realize that while he's in his addiction couples therapy won't do much. what do i say to him when he says he wants to try to make it work? i feel like i should just say...i'll believe it when i see it. i love you and i want you but not like this. i think you deserve more than to live an alcoholics life and die an alcoholic death..and i think i deserve more... but, god, i need strength. i would love to hear about other experiences of setting boundaries, leaving, detaching with love...that would be helpful. i would like to be as prepared for this as i can be.
thank you for listening and for being here. this board has already helped immensely.
It looks like you have a pretty clear idea of what is going on around you - good to see that you are not falling for his drying up for a few days, and thinking that it will change things. You're right, he'll say anything to keep you there, but he is terrified of quitting drinking. They're all terrified, none of them really believe that it is possible to live without drinking - that's why AA works, because everyone there has felt that way, and has taken that leap.
One useful way for you to approach this is to take baby steps. Rather than saying "I'm leaving, be in a program for a year before I consider coming back" (if you don't think you could stick to this) say "I'm not participating in these destructive conversations about drinking anymore" and when the conversation starts up, leave. Go to a hotel if necessary.
There is no point in setting boundaries that you are not willing to enforce, there is no point in ultimatums that are aimed at getting him to do things. You cannot change him, you can only change yourself. Find one small thing that you know you can stick to, that will remove one part of the insanity of your life, and start there. Once you have established that change, move on to the next one. You are not operating in a vacuum - even small changes in how you react to him will change his behaviour (sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but that's not your problem).
One reason you are feeling so flummoxed by this is that you have been riding the roller coaster of alcoholism with him. It's part of the disease, all that despair and obsession - he will do this until he gets into recovery (and even then, for years - you can remove the alcohol, but it takes longer to get rid of the 'ism'). You, however, do not have to do it with him. We call it 'detaching with love' - it's hard to learn, but the most useful thing you CAN learn.
Keep going to your meetings, keep coming here, keep reading the literature. You may end up leaving, you may end up being able to stay. There is no hurry for you to make up your mind what to do - if you are unsure, just wait, put into practice what you learn here, and it will eventually become clear. Welcome.
There are many wise and caring people here who have helped me a lot. I'm sure they will help you too. I'm new to recovery myself and have good days and tough days. I try to work hard on boundaries for myself. I try to keep the focus on myself rather that him. This is hard to do, because I naturally put everyone else before myself. But in time it gets easier. You just have to stick with it.....babysteps...
Try to figure out what you like to do...just for you....maybe exercise...or cooking...?
And then make time to do that....just for you. I find I need to focus on myself in order to strengthen my self esteem. babysteps...and don't be too hard on yourself.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great strength, experience, hope, wisdom and humor (good for the ).
You are not alone in this. So many of us have walked down this path. Keep coming back to us. I am glad that you are going to meetings. Please join us here for ours or come into the chat room. Go back and read old posts. They were very helpful to me. There are many good books for us as well.
Only he can decide if he really want to get help. Unfortunately, this disease is progressive. Unfortunately not all doctors see this as a disease (brilliant state about "cultural denial'). You are so much further along in your recovery than I was when I came here. Your awareness is very encouraging.
Recovery mean taking back our life. Recovery mean focusing on us regardless if the A stays active or sober. Recovery mean not losing ourselves in their disease.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty (the cat)
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You sound like you already know what you need to do. Usually the right thing is not the easy thing unfortunately. I just recently left my A husband after 6 1/2 years of marriage. Left once before for 4 mos because of drugs. He crossed a line I hadn't even drawn but realized as soon as it was crossed that it was the last straw. You remind me of exactly how we felt about eachother when we first got together. I know exactly what you mean about watching him kill himself. I am not you so I can't tell you what to do only what I've done and it hurts and it's hard but so is living with an A. You will know when your line has been crossed don't just discount your gut feelings, feel them.
I think this is the first step for a life time of change- HE NEEDS HELP_ if he does'nt get some soon it will either cost him his life or worse you- I think he may need a in treatment program-There are many offered through insurance- If he is to scared of that at least get him to go to a AA meeting- My AH was arrested for owi and lost his job- I wish i would have put my foot down a long time ago,maybe he would have listened,it seems a A has to lose everything to take this seriousley- You will get all the support and love from everyone here- we all are in the same boat and looking for dry land- I wish you the best, I will keep you and your A in my prayers!!
Glad you are here. I found this place in december last year. One recommendation is to make no major changes for a while so that you make them in sobriety. You will hear many many stories here and watch people walk the steps and gain strength from some of the recommendations. Keep coming back.
thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me. it is helpful. reading your posts helps me find ground in these freaking rocky times. argh. so much wisdom here and so much compassion. i am very grateful for this place and for the warm welcome.
i have been thinking about belonging a lot lately. you know, how important it is to feel like we belong somewhere and that fullness that comes from belonging. i'm new to this (and 'new' is a scary place for me) yet i feel like i am welcome, i can come in and take my shoes off and say what i feel and be heard and be accepted. thank you again.
you'll have to be patient with me, i'm just learning all of the abbreviations. my Abf came home tonight from seeing his family (parents, sister) and i am supposed to talk with him wednesday about our relationship. we don't live together so at least we have that built in boundary. phew. we had agreed not to communicate for a week while he was gone and he text messaged me several times, then called me when he got home (i didnt' answer). i am trying to understand what i need in this situation and how to ask for that. i also want to set clear boundaries that i can maintain. i think i'm going to ask for space...to sit with some of what i am feeling, understand more about what 'this' is, my limits, what i can and cannot live with. i am going to ask that he do more work on his own recovery in that time. who knows if he will. then, we can come back and see what's what. i don't know what will come of it all but i have hope that i will at least know more about where i am at, what i need, how i feel.
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