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I got online and my AH was on there so we chatted for a while and it was very sad and depressing. He is robbing and stealing his way across the country so he can get back here. He keeps talking about how he can't be better unless he is with his family.
I tried to stay positive in our discussion and encourage him to make good choices and do the right things - he knows what's right. I am having a hard time with the neediness, I don't like it or want it anymore. I want him to be strong and not need me to do it for him. I just feel so sad. I don't want to ruin my night with the kids thinking about what he's doing that could land him in prison or feeling guilty because I wasn't "NICE" enough when I talked to him.
I also don't want him coming here under the misconception that he's going to move back in and everything is going to be ok. The more I think about it the less ok I think everything is going to be. I know he wont accept it and he is going to make life difficult for me or try to make me feel guilty about his situation.
I guess I just need to have a good cry up here in my room for a few minutes and then go down there and be a good and happy mom. Why does this have to hurt so much?
He's still manipulating!! It has nothing to do with how nice you are to him. It has nothing to do with him telling you he is stealing his way home. These are HIS choices. You did not tell him to do it. It's manipulation and drama. When he caught and ends up in jail chances are he is going to blame you, because he did it for you. Yeah right!! There are choices. He could do an honest days work and get some help with his addiction. Many communities have a place called Labor Ready, where you can work a day or a week. My youngest daughter has used them between jobs to feed her kids. Your A chooses to steal from others to get what he wants. That says something about his character doesn't it? It sounds like even though he's been through some hard times that he has yet to hit his bottom and ask the correct people for help.
Stay strong carolinagirl, you have absolutely no part in the choices he is making. Be Rubber!!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks Christy, I know this..... It's just hard not to be sad. I did have a good night with the kids despite it all we had pizza and watched RV. My oldest daughter commented at the beginning that I needed one of those and I jokingly said what a guy like that and she said YA. I thought she was talking about the sock puppets he was joking around with...LOL
Little does she know that guy's an addict just like her dad. Maybe I should have pointed that out at the time.
I realize it's not my doing and I'm not to blame. I made it really clear to him that he had a choice and that by doing what he was doing he was showing his choice. I think he's just trying somehow to prove to me that he needs me or us to be sober for. It's just sad. I know it's his crap I just wish things were different that's all. I feel stuck in a rut right now unable to fully move on but unable to go back either. I hate this limbo.
Personally I like limits. I like having them rather than being this blob that accepts everything. I like having a choice an out. I do have choices today. One is to engage with the A as little as possible. When he was in the kind of mood he is in right now, belligerant all the time, withdrawing from whatever he takes, I used to enquire how he was, I used to try to be nice to him. Now I don't. I just let him be in withdrawal. No one stuck the drugs on him and tied him down and made him take them. No one poured the alcohol down his throat he did.
I clung onto him when he was awful, I was nice to him when he was awful to me. I gave him this message be awful to me and I will be nice to you. I am stopping that message. These days I say nothing. When he has his shouting and ranitng I say nothing. Of course I was the one who used to do the shouting and ranting and I do not now. At the same time I have to tell you I am sick to the back teeth with it. I don't feel much compassion for him anymore. I don't feel much of anything for him and certainly not much affection. I know my past history of being abused as a child made me vulnerable to bullies like him. I had no boundaries. I do now.
