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Well I'm working on my 4th step and so much crap keeps coming up.That's supposed to be a good thing though,I guess.Gotta get it out.I am stuck on something I'm hoping someone here can help me with.
Short history, I've been married since I was 17 (36 years) to my alcoholic husband who is sober in AA almost 17 years.Last year he met someone online, another A,and he wants a divorce.We were in the middle of some remodeling on the house so we are finishing that and will put it up for sale so we can split.The online thing hasn't turned into anything really but the separation is still on.He says he doesn't love me anymore.He has said this before so it must be true.
Here's the problem.I cannot accept that he doesn't love me anymore and I do not know why.I cannot accept it and get past it because every time I think about it, it HURTS so bad.If I could figure out why it hurts maybe I can move on.Even writing this I cannot stop the tears.It's not the first time he has broken my heart.He's an A after all.We separated about 10 years ago for the same reason.Things didn't work out for him so he asked me to come back and I went running.I have been so enmeshed and attached to him seems like all my life.I just cannot seem to let go!
The reality is the marriage was not that good.We are very different people in many ways, We married for the wrong reasons.Well, he says he loved me at the time.I wanted to get away from home ( more A's) and I fell for the way he felt about me.I wasn't in love with HIM, I was in love with the attention and affection and adoration I got from him.I was so empty coming from that background.It wasn't long after the wedding I realized that adoration was not going to continue forever.We started to have disagreements and problems getting along.There was no way I was going back home and I was too afraid to get a place by myself at 18.So I started 'working' on it...and him.He started drinking.
If I focus on the good times it doesn't seem so bad.But there were alot of bad times.No physical or verbal abuse.No affairs. (except the one online) Just his crushes on other women,lies,deception,drinking himself to oblivion.Never having any of my needs met,feeling lonely,crying myself to sleep,Dealing with his disease and his alcoholic thinking.Trying to control him,fear of what will happen if I don't.His overspending and credit card debt which I allowed trying to please him.Years of me doing ALL the housework and working full time.I even helped him work on the cars and mowed the lawn.He hasn't really been a partner.I can't see that I get ANYTHING out of this marriage.And yet I cry and it really hurts when I think of leaving him for good.Geez!! I need to save myself FROM myself!!
So what is so awful about accepting that he doesn't love me? What does that mean to me if I accept that? Am I telling myself that it means I am unlovable?That something is wrong with me? No...I don't feel that way.I know I am lovable, I know I am ok.No better or worse than anyone else.I just don't know.I am hoping someone here can give me some insight.What am I missing?Why does it still tear my heart out? Why can't I let go? Is this MY disease? Or something I have yet to face about myself?
My best friend asked me if I love my husband.I think I do.How can you spend your life with someone and not love them? Am I " in love " with him. I guess not. Sometimes I don't even like him.I do remember times I have prayed to God to please get me out of this marriage.Now I can get out and I won't let go! WHAT is THAT???
I am open to all input here.Maybe something will turn a lightbulb on for me.
Sorry this is long.Thanks for reading.Love you all. drucilla
i am so new to this i might not be much help but i to have been married to my AH since i was 17-now 28 i can totally see myself in you-i think we are just scared of change- when you have been with someone since being a teenager it sure is hard to move on, also since you have been through so much i know its hard to accept that he does'nt want you BUT you are a wonderful person even though i don't know you i know if you have loved a AH that long you have to be a exceptional person- You can do this, you can pick up the pieces and move on,you willl probley ALWAYS love him but as so many say here you can't change him you can move on and maybe one day after you have healed yourself you can find someone who will love you as you deserve. You have to take care of you, you need support i am here- god bless and good luck also SMILE
I was in exactly the same position ... I knew I didn't love my husband when I married him ...I did it for 2 reasons: 1. to get away from my abusive A father 2. I already had such low esteem I remember thinking at the time,,,"I may as well..no one else will ever want me. I was 18 at the time.
Immediately I knew it was a mistake, but as you said, there was no going back ...nothing to go back too. So we stayed married 19 years. He was an A and then became a drug dealer.
Why does it hurt so bad?? For me, it was grief ...the end of my life as I knew it....grief for what I wanted it to be..for what I always dreamed it could be...but wasn't.; grief for the pain I saw my children going through. I went through a long period of grief and it took me quite a while to realize that's what it was.
Looking back now, I can see the death of anything can cause us enormous pain. We have to allow ourselves to feel that pain I think and go through the steps of grief.
I didn't have Al-Anon then or know anything about it, but I'm so glad now that I found it. I too am working on my fourth step and doing that brings up a lot of feelings to deal with.
I'm so glad you found us here ! Please keep coming back. We love you!
((())) Dru I am not in your shoes but sometimes it is the fear of change that makes us feel this way. Whilst your marriage has not been fulfilling it is the only security you know. You have been alone and managing the finances etc in your house even though you had your partner. Sometimes people just outgrow each other and there is less and less in common as we get older. I also think that we get set in our ways a little and think well I am ..... years old and this is what I want now. The sadness you feel now will eventually pass and there will be a new period of growth where you can really shine as a person. Grieve for now it is a natural process, please keep posting as we want to know if you are okay. Thinking of you. Luv Leo xxx
I was standing in your shoes 2 yrs ago. My wife of 10 years was telling me the same thing. That she didn't love me anymore, and further that she didnt know if she ever really did.
It tore me up, trying to figure out why. What could I have done to change things. If I had only this....if I had only that...etc etc etc.
Like you said. It hurt so bad!
A large part of it for me, ultimately, when I was able to later look at it objectively was simply that I felt rejected. Used, "after all I did for you, you get sober, THEN you leave!", and rejected.
I loved her. I know that. I loved her deeply. But I also know that I was far too involved in her and far to uninvolved in me. I also lived in constant denial of the reality of my marriage.
But the thing that helped me the most in trying to deal with that "Why?" question, was just the realization that it truly had nothing to do with me. The why of it is her business, and honestly, nothing she ever told me when she was trying to explain why to me, made any difference at the time. I could counter anything she told me with examples of why what she said just wasnt true! But the thing is, nothing I could or should have done would have ultimately made any difference. She married me while in the grips of her disease. I married her while in the grips of mine. I am grateful we both found programs and continue to work on ourselves, even if it is apart. We are no longer the same people we were when we got married. And truthfully Dru, that is a wonderful thing for both of us!
Well, where do I start? First know that you are supported by me here at this board. Our stories are similar - married 32 years to my AHsober (23 years sober for him) with 3 sons who are out of the house. The minute the last one graduated my AHsober literally walked out of the house. It has been two years since he said he wanted a divorce and one year that I have been living on my own. And no matter how long it has been, I still cry and still ask why.
Taking his inventory: he comes from an alcoholic and non-relationship family. No emotions. Dry drunk. Codependent (immaturity). Great father when he is "present". Helped with the chores because "I am a nice guy". So nice that he was never around for me. For 32 years he has said "I am outta here". Like emotional blackmail. "I never loved you and don't love you now." I think what he is guilty of is emotional sexual infidelity. Also, I think he has PTSD because of is family history and being a veteran.
Taking my inventory: I come from an alcoholic family too. I am controlling and a codependent on a good day. I use to rage and am irrational. I spent alot of time blaming him for all the ills in our marriage. But I share the blame because of my issues. I loved the idea of being married. I loved providing a home for our boys and doing things as a family.
Our relationship: We went to a couples workshop. We were "diagnosed" as having a love addict/love avoidant relationship. I am attached to someone who treats me poorly because of my childhood abandonment issues. He avoids intimacy and creates intensity and chooses other addictions to cope. Our relationship because of our immaturity is a fraud. It is not a mature, healthy love. We were told to work on our childhood issues and our addictions in order to try for a healthy relationship. He says he has basically given up on trying to change. I don't think that he is really conscious of what he is doing and don't think that he capable of treating himself or me better. He refuses to go to AA.
Alanon and hope: For myself, I want to be stronger and let go of my AHsober. Although, I won't benefit from thing if we divorce. I want to follow my HP's plan for me. I think that this disease is cunning and insidious as they say and it will take us down with it along with our attachment to our own disease. I have to take very good care of myself. Thirty years is a long time to be with someone. I am slowly replacing everything that he did for me because he has basically amputated our relationship. I have to get help for everything but I challenge myself to figure some things out myself. I have EVERY self help book and Alanon literature and tapes. I go to a f2f meeting once a week. When I really have a sinking, crying spell, I call a friend or my sponsor.
It is painful and sad and fearful to go through this. I don't have any easy answers. I must trust the esh in Alanon to keep the focus on me, to be respectful of the A, and to work the steps. I think for me that the bottom line is that I will learn to love myself. I love my husband but know that I have to trust my HP's plan for me.
I have a very similar story but we are hanging on to our marriage by a thread, only for kids it seems. I scream I just want to be normal, please act normal. I feel for you at this moment but you know God has a plan and He has always gotten me through, one door shuts and He will open another, it is sad to think after all the years but you have much more to go. You can do it one big ol day at a time, you've been with him for so long as I too have been that we are one and it is hard to let go. When you finally come to peace with it, he'll seem so different to you. He will notice believe me and think oh my gosh and do a turn about but by then it is too late.
Thanks so much everyone for the support.I feel so priveledged to have you guys to come to when I am in a fog.You're like my beacon of hope.
(((faith))) I started bawling again when I read your reply.You really touched my heart with your kind words.Thanks so much for being here.
(((irish))) You are right, it probably IS grief.I sometimes feel like my husband is dead,at least the one I thought I knew.I hate grief,there's been so much in my life with the deaths in my family and friends.But it IS part of life and all we can do is go thru it.
(((phil))) Your response meant alot to me because you are an alcoholic man.I figure you may understand him better than I do.What you said about not knowing what love is,I think that sometimes.That he does love me but he will not realize it until I have already moved on.I kinda dread the day he would ever tell me that because I never want to hurt him.Also, the baggage thing.He says there has been too much "crap' under the bridge.I guess for him that's what did it.Thing is, I experienced that crap too, and I can forget and forgive.Guess that's love.
(((david))), buddy.You are so right.I will never understand 'why' he doesn't love me anymore.I have asked him, as you did with your wife.His answers don't make sense either, I can disprove every one.Also, it IS rejection I feel among other things.And denial? Yep, lived there for a long time.Still do, I think....hmmmm
(((nancy))) thanks so much for your support.Yes, we must learn to love ourselves.That is a new thing for me but I see the importance of it.I need to have too much respect for myself to allow myself to be humiliated by groveling and asking why,why,why.I don't like being like that.That is what the alanon program is all about.Getting to know ourselves and loving and respecting ourselves.We can do it.
(((lakegirl))) Thanks for reminding me that God has a plan for me.I feel this in my heart.I just keep thinking that God is against divorce and He would not want this.But my gut tells me otherwise.Who knows how God will work his plan for me.I have to stay out of his way if I want his will for my life.And I do.I can't see the big picture, He can.I could be sabotaging my own growth and missing a better life.
So here is where I stand today after wallowing all day yesterday and reading all the wonderful responses and pms.Also some alanon lit and of course asking HP for help.I was up till 5 AM!The reason I cannot accept that he does nnot love me is because I feel in my gut that he really does.But I am not going to dwell on that, I can't.He says he doesn't so at this point in time that is what he feels and I must accept that.I also know that I don't want to feel these things...grief,rejection,unwanted,unloved,not valued,not appreciated,not worthy,...So I am trying to hide from those awful,painful feelings by not letting myself believe that he really doesn't love me.
I can't stay like this.The more I fight and deny these feelings the longer the pain will continue.I am going to somehow allow the feelings,try to work thru them,which means alot of journaling and reading and working the steps.Mostly I want to get closer to God.I have the house to work on,which I have procrastinated on,so we can sell it.While I sand drywall mud and paint walls, sand floors and refinish,I will be refinishing my self.I am not going to ask him or myself why anymore.It doesn't matter why.It just is.All I can control is me.
Thanks again friends.Love you all more than you'll ever know.
The interesting thing about pain is that it's the sign of body healing. Isn't it interesting? You're going to lose your mind because of this...thing that's actually doing you good?!
There's a theory about marriage: If two people can pick out wallpaper together, decorate a room with said wall paper, and still be talking honestly at the end of 24 they should marry. Marriage, according to this theory, has nothing to do with love but only with communication. Love is a by product of communication, according to this theory.
Good point.Pain in the body is usually a signal that something is wrong.It is how we know so we can begin whatever healing is needed.So emotional pain also leads to healing.Which means if we skip the pain, the healing will not take place.
