Last night was so hard - Al-Anon Family Group

acjmom · Veteran Member

Last night was so hard

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

acjmom,

I was exactly where you are at one time, only my husband never even went to court or jail, making me doubt what I was feeling. I too came here and read of missing husbands, husbands in jail, abuse, no money etc and thought geeze, what am I complaining about?
I had managed over the years to turn down invitations because I was too embarrassed to "drag the drunk" with me. I quit having him show up at parent/teacher conferences due to the smell he permiated. Once he showed up and I sent him home, he not only smelled like booze he was downright drunk.
I just couldn't count on him for ANYTHING. Promises of soberness for my birthdays or anniversary dinners were always trashed.
I once had car trouble on a winter's night freezing cold and called and called him but he was passed out. I called the bar and told him I was in labor with our son and he came home 2 hrs later because he knew I had long labors, I was so damn scared!!! Let alone we had moved to state where I knew no one and was totally alone. The list goes on and on.
So yes, I understand and you certainly have no less pain and are deserving of this program and what it can do for you.
I got busy with this program and I got better, you can too and people here will back you up every step of the way.
Perhaps an old post I wrote back in January may help you..

Detachment

Keep coming back for YOU!!
Christy

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi acjmom,

I understand how you feel completely. I was in much the same situation with my ex wife. She too was a functioning alcoholic and few people besides myself understood the extent of her disease. She had a high paying job, looked and dressed nicely, and was so charming and friendly with everyone. Well, everyone except anyone who would ever try to come between her and her drinking!

But I too was so very, very lonely..even when she was home.

Your feelings are yours. You are entitled to them no matter what anyone else thinks. I had all those well meaning friends too...they weren't telling me exactly the same things as yours are, but it doesnt really matter. No one is us. No one treads our path, no matter how similiar circumstances may be. Only we can make the hard decisions that affect us.

Be strong, use this time apart from your husband to focus on you! Turn your thoughts inward and ask your HP for strength and guidance. Those peaks and valleys on that roller coaster of emotions you are on will start to level out with some time.

Keep coming back!

Yours in Recovery,
David

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome ACJmom,

I learned in Alanon that "feelings aren't facts" they just are how we are feeling. It's OK to feel those feelings with someone safe.

I have also attended AA meetings when I got to the point where I was ok with me and wanted to "get into the head" of an alcoholic. That was the place that I learned A LOT. True AAers don't mince words (which is good) and they can tell a liar from a mile away. The other thing I learned in there was true humility. They told me that there is no difference between the bum drunk on the street and the drunk who works every day. I so needed that.

My father was a functioning alcoholic. Never called in sick. Never missed a day due to booze. I can't tell you how hellish my life was at home though. So to me, it doesn't matter what "type" of a drunk they are.

I also learned not to compare my insides with others "outsides" (appearances).

Welcome to Miracles In Progress,

Keep coming and keep learning. We say "feel [the feelings], deal [in a mature way] and heal [through recovery].

Maria123

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi I hope you have a better night tonight. Jill

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

This is when you lean on us to help you keep your boundries. It's hard to tie a horse to a fence post if the post isn't stuck in good in the dirt.

It also helps, like some other wives have done, to do an inventory of what life was like when he WAS here. And then place it somewhere within easy reach. So whenever you feel "well, maybe this time he's changed," you can remind yourself "This is what got me in the mess in the first place."

I have heard 100s of AA leads that go "when she threw me out, I KNEW I had to get sober."

I have NEVER heard one that says "When she let me come home, I got sober."

If you can't help'em out, help'em down.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.