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My soon to be ex-husband called her the other night. There is a restraining order and so he is not supposed to (he is a lawyer and knows). I called the police right away. He spent the next night (Wednesday) in jail. What do you think? The background info to this is that we had a bad incident on 2/27/06 when he finally returned my lawyers call about my filing for divorce. I had told him two weeks earlier, but he hadn't talked to him yet. We were living in the same house. He went nuts. At the end of a lot of stuff he threatened to kill me - same night. So the next day I called the police and got a restraining order and off we were on this path. He violated that restraining order two times, a phone call and drove by the house. So not life threatening, but still. I reported both those times - they were in March. He went to jail one night then. We have two small children - 4 1/2 and nearly 2 1/2. The State, court let us leave 8 weeks later and move to another state so I could live with my mother. He has sent no support and stopped working. So we have been here since May, he has delayed and no-showed to the hearings needed to finalize the divorce/visitation. he only calls the children about once every two weeks - spans are getting longer right now it has been 25 days since he talked tothem. So anyway he knew my restraining order had expired, but didn't know that I was aware of the criminial the city judge put on in July. So when he called on Tuesday he said he knew mine had run out....etc. But he didn't know I knew about the other one and so was willing to break a law. I am feelling really guilty tonight like I should have just given him a warning and let it go. He went to jail - and it wasn't surrounding a life threat like before - what do you think? He is an alcoholic and his whole life is collapsing.
He's an adult, he knows the law. He is facing the consequences of his own actions - you did not make him call, you did not make the original offence which led to the restraining order in the first place.
In my mind, you did the exact right thing - you gave him a clear message that you will not be messed around with, that he needs to take you seriouslyand treat you with respect, that when you make a decision you want it respected.
I suspect that the reason you are doubtful about this is because you don't have a history of standing up for yourself, that you have been the one to take the consequences of others' inappropriate behaviour. It feels strange.
I understand this completely - the last time my husband cheated on me, I found myself comforting him because he felt so bad about it. After a few days of this I came to my senses, and let him know that I was hurt and angry - he was amazed and angry that I should act as if MY feelings were as important as his. His hurt and anger were very hard for me to take - I had to hold myself back from going to him and apologizing - as if I had been the one to do something wrong. It felt so weird and unnatural not to try to save him from all hurt, no matter what the cost to myself. Of course, that's my disease - and I was as addicted to that sick need as he was to drugs, and it did me as much harm.
You are new. Welcome to Miracles In Progress. We suggest you take about six months in this program to see if its right for you, to get your own life on track.
I found for me when my life was spiraling out of control, my husband did things that he never would have done during a "calm" time too. In other words, I played a "part" in the craziness. One thing I quickly learned here in Alanon is to examine MY motives. I am not making any excuses but separations, divorce, child hearings and restraining orders are very tough times for EVERYONE involved.
Are you calling the cops because you are angry at him for not sending support? or not calling your children? etc. etc. Or were you really frightened for your life?
In the meantime, I hope you keep coming. We also have a chat room which is very helpful for me at least.
yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
You nailed it on the head. I don't stand up for myself very well at all. I have also done a lot of inappropriate caretaking of my husband - it was all so upside down. I have never put the dots together like that before. I do need to investigate myself fully so that I can understand my sick half of the sick relationship and so never repeat it again and so make sure that I am good role model for my two young girls.
Thank you thank you for that input. It really really resonated.
There's a slogan here that goes "Live and let live." Your husband needs to learn, like all alcholics need to learn, how to live like a responsible human being. The only way he'll do that is if the consequences hurt enough that he just can't wriggle out of the fix he gets himself into.
So he spent the night in jail? Eh. He'll have more empathy for his clients when they come see him smelling like urine. He knew the rules. He broke them. He is LIVING with the consequences of actions. LET HIM.
As for you, dear--I shudder to think what would have happened if he had come by your house and you hadn't done anything, based on his previous history.
Tiger 2006 - thanks. I really like your advice and info "live and let live". Okay. I did do a lot of caretaking. It got tiring and too hard once I had children. The second part is that I held back another violation that occurred a couple days prior to the phone call because it wasn't life threatening - he had a friend e-mail me and ask a question directly from my husband - it says it that way in the e-mail - actually two of them - I told him to stop asking and he did it again!! It is called third party communication. So that is why when my husband called I reported that. I feel he was testing, pushing etc. and taking advantage because he thought I didn't know about the other restraining order. Soooo, back to the point do I turn in these e-mails?? I talked to the prosecutor and she says it won't change much but important to have in their records for possible future violations. It would absolutely end any friendship left with the person in the middle. But I suppose not good friends if that is the case. What do you (and anyone else) think?
