The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I came here for some words of wisdom. Maybe even just to be able to talk to someone about what my family is going through. It is lonely being the parents of an alcoholic son.
Sorry, I first should introduce myself and give you some background.
My husband and I have been married for 36 years.
We have 2 sons. Ages 31 (the alcoholic) and 27.
Our alcoholic son is a very intelligent, kind man (when not drinking). Had been married, had a beautiful home, had had a successful job, had a drivers license, had friends. He had a good life.
Now he is alone, except for us. He has no where to live, he has no friends, no drivers license, no job, no money. He has been arrested 2 times. First for beating up his brother. Second time for resisting arrest. ( He was beat up pretty bad by the police that time, he was in a drunken rage and fought with them, big mistake.) He has been in and out of rehab for 7 years. He has lived at the Salvation Army and different rehabs and men shelters. We have been supporting him since his divorce 4 years ago. We have rented apartments for him. He has lived with us, but we don't have a big enough house for him to stay and he has gotten violent towards my husband and me. He can not keep a job.
The last year he has lived with his brother, they rent a condo. But brother pays rent and utilities. He tries not to drink, but every few weeks or months, he hangs one on. Yesterday, alcoholic son was violently drunk when his brother came home from work. We have told him many times, one more time it is over.
So now, we have him at our house, to sober up. Then we are taking him back to the Salvation Army, tomorrow, if the alcohol is out of his system. We do not know where else to turn. I don't know what else to do. We have tried everything. We can not afford him to free load off us anymore. We can't keep this up.
But this is so difficult. We have told him this is the end. He will have to figure things out and take care of himself. The big problem is, that he is our son. You can't divorce your son. He calls and begs and promises.
How have other parents gone through this. I need strength. Are we right? That we can't keep helping him this way.
I am very sorry this is so long winded. I never can talk about this to anyone. It just all came pouring out.
Hi Sammi and welcome to alanon and miracles in progress
When I found alanon it was because of my husbands drinking. He was fired from work and had not worked in 3 years. I supported him and was abused by him.
Alanon taught me that by paying for his bills and booze I WAS enabling him into an early grave.
A few months after I left he had to stop drinking 24/7 and get a job because I was not paying his way.
Go figure. And this is just my experience
In support
Megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
i really feel for you as i know how hard it is to finally come to a end ,i too had come to my end in may ,when i threw my ah out . he too is in a salvation army refuge we had been together 36yrs his drinking managed to lose us everthing in 4 yrs,it breaks my heart,i know your pain.
just to let you know though he is well cared for,they have got him good councilling and do look afterhim,so even though i threw him out, i do know he is in good hands,
Oh my yes hon.... I have been there....am still there with my 36 yr old son.
He also has lost his wife and children, home and anything else he ever owned ...due t this dreadful disease!!! His father was an a and also a drug dealer so he hat this son started at an early age unfortunately. Now his father is dead leaving our son with this horrible, nasty disease.
He is also diagnosed with bipolar/schizo affective disorder ... which came first..the disorder or the drugs???? Who knows... they feed off of each other.
It breaks my heart to see him this way ... he has tried living with us but his delusions convince him I am the enemy. We are like you, we have tried everything. He often roams the streets of a nearby town, convinced that everyone is out to get him.
The saddest part is that as of this time he still does not admit that he has a disease.
So for now, I take it one day at a time, learning more and more of Al-Anon and learning more and more how to let go and let God. I did not Cause this diease, I cannot Control it, and I cannot Cure it.
Please know that you are not alone....we love our children unconditionally ....God does too .... and He has problems with His kids too..... but still loves us.
Please keep coming back....we will walk this road together.
Please read the post I posted earlier about " NowThis is Al-Anon" .... we can guide each other through this.
Glad you are here. We are here for you, come here, pour it out and hopefully you will gain some strength.
Yes, its hard when its your child, you are doing the right thing. I once was told I was keeping my A from hitting bottom because I would continue to help, even though it was a lot less, I was still enabling. When I, his mother, and brother cut him off completely, all he had were clothes, no car (sold it for crack), no job, no home, etc. He went to rehab (wasnt the 1st trip), and has been sober since but it was the first time all of us, at the same time, said enough is enough.
Someone also told me that I was doing(enabling) the same way over and over and wasnt that the definition of insanity, (in my case), I was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Detaching with love is all you can do for him, and YOU/FAMILY must maintain sanity too. Be gentle with yourself. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Rest assured you are not the first parent to surrender their child.
Sometimes, bottom comes in a homeless shelter. Sometimes in a federal prison. But it is not you to direct. PLEASE, come to al anon meetings. And be assured, you are not alone.
