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I'm new here, have been to a few f2f meetings. My husband is an A, been with him for 20 years, married for 9 of those years. He was out of control when I met him, still drank, but was better most of the time. In 2000, he went on a bender while on vacation in the Carribean, went to a Dr. down there and was told his liver was enlarged. Continued to drink out of control when we got home, ended up puking up blood and ended up in the hospital, diagnosed with cirrhosis and gastric varicies. Got out, continued to drink, back in with the same thing one month later! The second time it scared him enoggh to quit. Did not attend AA or anything. Occ. drank but then would quit again, really fairly under control. Last 2 years have spiraled out of control after first losing his job of 27 years (business was sold, not A's doing), then his mom died. I, of course, did everything wrong, as I was at my wits end...he was unemployed for 2 years, doing nothing, feeling sorry for himself...blah, blah, blah. I cried I begged I poured out the booze. Screaming fights. He got DUI 4th of July (he usually drinks at home by himself at night), but that night he was out with coworkers. Got sentenced on Wednesday, and that's what it took for him to reach his "bottom". I attended his first AA meeting with him, mostly because he can't drive because he can't start his car (drank last night, breathalyzer <installed today> is sensitive!) He told me he dumped out the remainder of his booze and is determined to start sobriety today. I felt I needed to tell this story, because I need guidance of how I should or shouldn't help from now on. Also, what is the thought on court ordered AA meeting attendance. Will it help? Is it a waste of time. I hope that over time, he will embrace the program. He has to attend 2x/week for 40 weeks, that's alot of meetings. Thanks. Kelly
AA generally say 90 meetings in 90 days - in early sobriety it has to be a way of life.
Welcome, this is the right place for you - there is not too much that we or you can do for him, but there are many things you can do for yourself. It is possible to be happy, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Keep going to the f2f, and come here whenever you need to - not everything you read here will be helpful, but lots will.
My husband sobered up at the age of 51 - he had been drinking and drugging since he was a boy. From the outside, he gave no indication that he was ready to sober up, whatsoever - had never even tried to quit and said that there was nothing wrong with what he was doing, I was the one with the problem, if I would only get off his back blah blah...
He got caught drinking on the job, and was given the choice of going into treatment or losing his job - he took a lot of pride in his work, got a lot of his sense of identity from it. It was touch and go but he decided to go into treatment - "It won't hurt me to dry out for a couple of weeks, I won't join AA or anything like that though...." You could have knocked me down with a feather when I got a call three days later - he'd been going to two AA meetings a day plus everything else they did in rehab. He hasn't touched a drop or gotten high since, 3 1/2 years now. That's not to say sobriety is heaven - far from it, but that's another story. So, yes, sometimes if he is ready but his pride won't let him walk through that door, forced treatment might be the right thing. If he's not ready though, it probably won't work.
No matter what happens with him though, you need some help. Best thing is just to stay out of the way of his recovery - it is not your job to sober him up. Go easy on him, but don't tiptoe around him - he has to learn to live in the real world. I think of it as like recovering from surgery - he's fragile just now. You can come here to vent, rather than lay it all on him just right now. We understand, have been through it all, too. You might want to not go into his AA meetings much, so that if he needs to talk about you he can - you really don't need to hear what he will be saying. I know I was quite PO'd by some stuff my husband said in very early sobriety - he thought he was being so sensitive and apologetic, and he just DIDN'T GET IT! NO idea of what he put me through, still doesn't but I don't mind so much now, I've found a way to forgive and stop holding it all against him. (mostly)
There is help for you in alanon - whether he sobers up or not, you do not have to be dragged down with him.
welcome kelly, that's a lot of writing about your husband, but not much about yourself.....
we'd like to get to know you too....sometimes we forget about ourselves in the midst of living with addiction....maybe now is the time to look after you
Welcome....we are glad you are here. We have all, in varying degrees, experieced the pain you feel!
The court order for your husband to attend AA is absolutely necessary for him and absolutely the right place. NOT A WASTE OF TIME.Being around others who have been in the same place serves as a source of ESH-experience, strength and hope. Being around men who have some recovery time serves as hope that if he works HIS program it will work---hence the slogan, it works if you work it!
We cannot work an alcoholics recovery.
Put your focus back on you, go to as many al anon meetings as you can and let your husband work on his own recovery.
Remember the Three C'S: You didnt Cause it, You cant Control it, and You cant Cure it.
i to am new at this but at least your husband is ORDERED to go to meetings- I wish mine was- I ll pray for you tonite that your husband can change and you can heal. i wish i could offer more god bless you and your husband-
