The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have currently found myself attracted to someone who is a recovering A (I have only known him sober). This is new in the fact that I have not been in a relationship with an A for years. However, I grew up surrounded by As.
The connection the two of us share is phenomenal. We enjoy eachother immensely. He has been sober for approximately 7 months. He is making every effort there is to turn his life around; he attends meetings several times a week. He has been more honest with me than he has with anyone else I have come into contact with from his past. We do not fight, yet there is intensity, in a very good way, an intensity I have not felt in years. I am strongly attracted to him both physically and emotionally. I have not judged him, I accept him for who he is, no matter how dark his past. I believe him and I also believe IN HIM.
How does one know if it is real or if it is just another time in my life where I will be wearing the label 'sucker' on my forehead/back? I analyze EVERYTHING and apparently this is no exception. Does anyone have any insight? Am I a sucker? How can one know?
Share your thoughts .. whatever they are .. please. I am confused. I don't want to be.
YOu sound like you know what you are getting into and going in with your eyes open. Make sure you don't set yourself up to be a sucker. Don't put yourself in that position. Always be looking out for your best interests and taking care of yourself. Then it doesn't matter if he falters or not because you are prepared for the worst but hope for the best.
Is it him you are attracted to or is it his recovery?
Also when my "A" started working a program it was suggested to him for him to not enter into a relationship until he had been in the program for a year.
Only you know what is best for you. Just make sure you take care of you.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy (Dolphin123)
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
An A newly in recovery is just that. Sadly part of recovery is relapse. It is a very real thing, that can and more times than not, does happen.
He may not relapse for years, or months or in two days.
My A was serious in a program too, when we got back together after years of separation. If I had known what relapse was, I would never have married him.
When people talk to me about being in love or meeting someone, I don't want to hear about the good stuff. I want to hear how you fight, how he/she reacts if you are sick, how you get thru crises etc.
We all can get thru that honeymoon time. Everything seems so good and perfect. It is a special time. The sad thing with an A is, the bad stuff can be so very bad. Are you willing to go thru that?
He is an A. A's have specific symtoms, they have specific characteristics.He has a very very serious disease. It does not go away in fact it gets worse. We can learn to take a day at a time, we can learn to take care of ourselves. But what if we fall in love and want kids. They don't get a choice.
Of course many of us will find it hard to respond. We don't want anyone to be hurt or go thru what a lot of us have.
Your relationship sounds very much like mine in the beginning. I had never met a man more compatable than my A. We are going into our 10th year together. There have been Hell times, there have been Swell times! One thing different,( he has never been in a recovery program), although he has been doing well the past few years on his own. He is a very strong-willed, stubborn person, which is good in this case!
If I had had a crystal ball and could have seen what I was getting into (having had no experience with A's). I really think I wouldn't have let him within a mile of me. The worst seems to be over, but there is always that 'little guy on my shoulder' whispering in my ear, telling me not to take the good times for granted, always wondering when the next binge will happen. I try to keep my thoughts in Today, and not project, but I still can't totally relax. Then again, things happen in non-addiction households too. There really isn't any family totally without their problems. At least we have Alanon and our MIP family to support us,share with us,pray for/with us and love us.
All in all, I am very happy with my A now and wouldn't trade him for the world! But... you may hear differently from me when/if he is on his next binge, LOL! The last one he was on really scared him sober, for awhile anyway..
Take what you want and leave the rest. This is my experience only, just sharing what I feel. Best of luck to you in whatever you choose to do. Love TLC
PS. One time I was going to see him before we were living together, that I took lipstick and actually wrote SUCKER on my forehead!!
Welcome to MIP. You are in the right place to gain support and insight into this disease and how it affects all of us. At the present time in my relationship with my A I have asked myself the same question. Is this real? Are A's capable of real love and intimacy? My A says he wants to be with me and the kids, but in the past his actions have not lined up with his words. Working this program and getting closer to my HP has helped me put value to myself and what I want from a relationship. I have been able to put this down on paper and in words to my A. They are non-negotiable qualities and traits that I want in my relationship. His actions have to line up with his words before I will know if he is able to give me all those qualities. They are difficult, just being treated well, shown love and respect, honesty, faithfulness, sobriety, etc. Since coming to this program it has been driven home time and time again, never listen to A's words always watch their actions. Finally, I believe I'm doing that as the words sound great and I have so wanted to believe them, but after being disappointed time and time again, I'm watching actions now. Not that this will be your experience and I certainly hope not, but watch what he does. Does it say I really love you and value you? Do the actions say I really love myself and want to be a healthy sober man? I believe we all have opportunities everyday to show ourselves and each other in our actions that we care. Good luck and lots of blessings in your new relationship.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Sharing only my experience, strength and hope.....I have learned that 7 months is very early in recovery--heck, my A is at 17 months and that is still very early in recovery. I was told once that it takes 20 months for the A's brain to "dry out" and during that "drying out" process, their thinking slowly becomes clearer, more complex, and less linear. I have seen this transformation play out in my own relationship--I am continually amazed at the differences in my discussions that I am able to have with my A now compared to 4-5 months ago.
Recovery also entails more than just not drinking. My A was just sober for the first 6 months until after we separated and he got a sponsor and started working the steps. There is a huge difference between being "dry" and working a program of recovery. While he was just dry, all of the A characteristics were still there in full force: the lying, avoiding and running away from the hard stuff (and the not so hard stuff), isolating, looking for something else (someone else) to keep him from having to face himself and his recovery. The only difference was he wasn't drinking.
But to be honest, I was still active in my Al-Anon behaviors: trying to control, monitoring, snooping, the obsessive need to know who, what, where and when, etc. It was only after we separated that I got an Al-Anon sponsor and started working the steps as well. My own recovery really only began at that time and I had been going to Al-Anon meetings for almost 6 months by that time.
As each day, week, and month passess he becomes more and more a different, healthier person. However, he is still an A and he still has those A characteristics that he is working on. We are still separated because there is still work for him to do just as there is still alot of work for me to do.
There is a reason that AA tells the A not to get in a relationship during the first year (at least). Take it slow and keep your eyes open, and welcome to Al-Anon!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Thank you to each of you for responding. It is very clear to me, I am in the right place, being here. There are many things from your responses I with take, and think very strongly about. Thank you again. It is nice to know someone has my back and wants what is best for me...whatever that is.
The way I was told to think about an alcholic's sobriety is the way of a child growing up: What, psychologically, is taking place when a child is this old?
So, what is happening when a child is 7 months old?
I think there's an aire of awe that surrounds a certain amount of us that see AA's with 1 year, or 3 years, or 5. Ya, big problem there--the reality is that the program works, it's the alcholic that chooses whether or not to work the program. And only the alcholic is capable of really looking at themselves and seeing if they are willing to go to any lengths to do every shread of work that it will take to lead a stable, sober life.
It's heart breaking to realize that, at a certain point, our loved ones haven't changed. That our alcholics are still choosing misery over the hope we have found. But that's another reason I push open AA meetings so much--it's important to see that there are people who choose the solution....just like there are those who do not.
HAHAH. Gallows laugh..not meant to be really funny funny. Well, there is something to be said for one who is in a program. A single person can meet someone they really like and find out way later they have an addiction and have not gotten treatment. One never really knows.
I agree..7 months in a program is NOT long enough. Hey..stay friends...maybe later.
