The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night, my AH came home from the neighbor's house, (who is also an A, and his longtime friend since they were teenagers.) He was drunk. Started putting me down, being mean.
I have tendonitis in my thumb, which is very painful, and has developed into "trigger thumb" which pops the tendon in a weird, hurtful way when I move my hand. I do assembly work, and with the help of a compression glove, I have continued to work. I have to see a hand specialist Oct. 16 was the earliest appt. I have continued to do housework, laundry, etc. It cut me to the quick when hubby said "I'm sorry you hurt, but you're gonna have to deal with it". I responded with "I am dealing with it." And HE said "Well, not very well!" OMG! Then he started in his usual "laundry list" of complaints.
I walked into the bedroom, reached into the drawer where he keeps his old hunting stuff, and where I remembered seeing a pair of bright orange earplugs. Oh, yeah, I did..... I put those plugs in my ears, and got ready for bed. Couldn't hear a thing. Took out one earplug, he was still in the kitchen, doing his usual ranting and raving. I popped the plug back in and went to sleep. He slept on the couch, for a change (not on the kitchen floor this time.)And later, when it was quiet, A was alseep, I took them out and put them under the mattress on my side of the bed.
The weird thing about his ranting and raving is he does it with his back up against the kitchen sink, he always stands in that same spot when he's in "That Mood". And he will rage and rant, and carry on, non-stop, hardly taking a breath, and he's normally , when not drinking, a pretty quiet, wellmannered guy. And I will be in bed. It's very bizzarre, like he just has to say this crap whether or not anyone is listening....go figure. When I argue with someone, I want to SEE them, I want to have them respond to me. Not him, he just wants to blahblahblahblahblah. Nonsense. It is truly the disease talking, like he is possessed. And he is. By beer.
Anyway, I got a good night's sleep. The words I did not hear did not hurt me. I am pretty darn good at detachment anymore, but sometimes, especially when I'm too tired, it just wears me down. Tonight, I came in, and he had left me a note "I was wrong. I really do love you." Wish he could somehow love himself enough to find a way out of his alcoholism.
Thanks for letting me let off some steam.
Gotta go to Walmart for some lightbulbs for the kitchen, so I can paint. Don't know where hubby is right now, he said he'd be back later. Maybe he had a probation officer appt. He usually doesn't say anything about them. Like it is a secret.
My life is so strange, even to me. But, it's where I am today. Glad you are all here for me. I need you.
That is too funny!!! That he was ranting and raving and you did not hear a thing...
But I am sorry you had to go through that.
You deserve an award for the ingenious ways you have to deal with your alcholic.
Thanks for the idea..I am putting together a "survival" kit for living with an active A and I am going to make sure to put earplugs into it, LOL. I am going to decorate it with that "rubber" saying, LOL. I will probably have to make a second kit for you as a gift since you are giving me so much inspiration, LOL.
Thanks for sharing how you deal with so much stuff with so much style.
I was laughing so hard at your great idea about the earplugs that I forgot to give you hugs for your tendinitis.
Are you sure yours and my hubby aren't twins separated at birth? LOL!!!
I have carpel tunnel and hear a similar tune. Only my husband calls it my "special needs" trying to put in a little subtle low blow as that is the public schools polite term for those who are mentally deficient. SIGH!
He will say stuff like 'I was too busy helping you with your special needs to get my own work done"...just because I asked him to tightedn the screw on our doorknob since turning motions is what hurts my wrist the most. I do cook elaborate dinners, do dishes, mop floors, wring mops, do laundry etc. in pain with no complaints. He acts like I have my arm in a sling and I am bedridden to hear him complain.
Well, clearly our husbands are cut from the same cloth, so I am glad we got to know each other! We are a lot alike to I think, finding new and novel ways to deal with our painful situations. We also try to find a little fun along the way! LOL!
yeah one for Becky , don't let him see those ear plugs or he will get a megaphone. hehe There is no point in arguing or sitting and listening to abuse for an hr or more . I did it for yrs just another way i showed no respect for myself. sheeeeeesh
I was told if I had to argue to set a beer bottle in the middle of the table and scream at it, cause as long as he ws drinking that was what i was talking to anyway . Made perfect sence to me so like you I just walk away or tune em out . Louise
That is the FUNNIEST thing I have read in a long time!!! Good for you!!! Now you have another physical tool to deal with the ranting! Wow, amazing idea.
Sorry about your tendinitis, and it sounds like you work so hard in spite of your pain, bless you. It doesn't help to be treated horribly when you're in pain.
You amaze me with your strength, Becky. Thanks so much for the strength you pass on to us. We need you, tooo!!!!!! I may jusst go out and get some of those earplugs tonite!
Thanks to all who replied. It does make a prettty humerous picture, doesn't it. These earplugs I found were connected by a bright orange rubber string, too, so you can't lose them.
An AA survival kit sounds like a great idea! Let us know what all you put in yours, Isabela! Yep, sounds like our hubs are twins.
It helps me so much to detach when he rages like that, but the earplugs do help, because, being human, even tho I do not engage in conversation with him at those times, my mind still keeps going BUT.....But......and tries to find a rational answer for the nonsense that comes flying out of his mouth. Yes, Abby, you might as well argue with a beer bottle. It would make as much sense.
Oh, Peewee. I have the most sarcastic things pop out of my mouth sometimes, but mainly I try not to. I can just hear you say that though! LOL!
Thanks everyone. Hubby is still not home, he's been gone from 3 to 7 oclock. But, I am NOT, repeat NOT calling his cell phone. I'm going to put a heat pad on my hand, and call it a night. I've been getting LOTS of sleep between last night and tonight! LOL
Thanks for all the hugs, guys. I need 'em. If I have any strength at all, I owe it all to you.
Becky I'm with you on this one. I keep earplugs (Stopples is my favorite brand) in the pocket of the cardoor. If he shows up loaded, I pop them in and make sure my hair covers my ear on the side of my face visible to him. Works every time!
The earplugs go right along with the "I am rubber ... you are glue...what you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."
I have this mental picture of all these sticky notes with all the things he says stuck all over him.... and there you are oblivious cause you're snuggled in bed with the earplugs!!!
Thanks for the laugh I needed that I’m sitting at my desk obsessing over my A’s next episode and went to MIP for some quick reading and started laughing at my desk. My A is a total nut case, now he does most of his ranting and raving outside and the neighbors call the cops on him, however he manages to bring it inside and start on me when he gets tired of being outside and his obsession with his hate for our neighbors, you see they called the cops on him and he got a DUI, so every time he drinks I am so stressed that he may get arrested for screaming at their house in the middle of the night again threatening to kill them you see everything’s their fault not his. Thanks for the idea about the ear plugs I think I will get some this weekend. p.s. I also have hand problems I haveCumulative repetitive motion trauma which there is no cure, damage to the tendons.
i'm using earplugs for years, but for sleeping. Its running in family, im just bad sleeper, but your use of earplugs is much better, i will remember this one.
Sending you hugs and healing thoughts for your hand. I know what it is to live with and try to function when in pain. Love the idea of the earplugs, it's the simple suggestions which are often most effective.
I find it ironic when I think of all the things you, Isabela and many others do and yet your A's complain. (I do understand it's the disease talking.) If I cooked my A an elaborate meal he would probably think I had been possessed or was trying to poison him! lol and if I did all the things you ladies do he would wonder if he'd died and gone to heaven.
There is so much I DON'T DO. Even before I was sick I did what I could (because I wanted it done, not to appease my A) and many things left undone. My attitude then and now is simple: if you don't like the way I do something or the fact it's not done, feel free to do it yourself. If not you have the choice to find alternative accomodation, take personal responsibility for all your affairs and run your life the way you want it. Oddly enough my A chose not to complain even when he was still drinking and I strongly suspect it was precisely because he didn't want and couldn't cope with any responsibility. I think your hubbies should come stay with me in my unmanageable hovel for a couple of weeks and maybe then you wouldn't need those earplugs...but please pack me several of those survival kits!
Just hope you realise how wonderful you truly are and can appreciate and validate yourselves despite the things your A's say in illness. I take my hat off to you and thank you for sharing your strength, inspiration and innovative ideas.
I put those plugs in my ears, and got ready for bed. Couldn't hear a thing. Took out one earplug, he was still in the kitchen, doing his usual ranting and raving. 
I popped the plug back in and went to sleep. He slept on the couch, for a change (not on the kitchen floor this time.)And later, when it was quiet, A was alseep, I took them out and put them under the mattress on my side of the bed. 