Hello (((family)))

I watched a movie today about a woman who awoke from a 20 year coma.Ironically,I could relate.I am very much feeling as if I have been asleep for over 30 years.Has anyone else felt that way?

I didn't know I had the right to stand up for myself and go after what I want or what is best for me.My mother is an untreated alanut so I learned from her that I am supposed to give and give until it hurts then give some more.We have had our differences,she and I,and I believe that is why.Her and I are the only non-alcoholics in the family.(7 kids)Whenever I tried to live my own life we clashed and I had enormous guilt if I went against her.

So for the last 30+ years of my life ( all married to the same man), I distanced myself as much as I could from the craziness and drama in my family and clung ( note claw marks) to my AH.In another post I said that I had been awake through the whole thing but that is so not true.I was in a coma all right.I was a walking functioning shell.

I understand now how people can get enmeshed with the alcoholics in their lives and continue to deny themselves and try to help the A.I've been there.My husband drank for about 19 years before he got sober so there was plenty of time for me to hone my craft so to speak.I was so good at running his life.He hates that now more than anything.It's the one thing he has trouble forgetting it seems.

I am pretty far into my 4th step.Much has been revealed.Talk about being slapped around with a trout!! Whew! It's brutal out here.This time I am willing to look at the bad,and have also found out some surprisingly good things about myself.I encourage others not to fear the 4th step as I did.That fear kept me in denial and from recovery because I ran from Alanon every time I thought about it.

I now can visualize myself walking away from the drama.Saying "no,thanks".Remaining calm and serene in difficult times.Feeling fully alive and living in my own skin.Mostly not taking on stuff that isn't mine.Oh that's a biggie.To allow people the dignity to find their own path, not the path I think is right for them.

Most of all,coming out of the coma has given me ME.The real me is a very loving and caring person.I just took that good quality to an unhealthy extreme.Gotta find the middle ground now.The place where I can take care of myself so I can REALLY help someone else.

Thanks for reading.     love, dru