why is he so weak? - Al-Anon Family Group

by a thread · Newbie

why is he so weak?

jbschw · Newbie

Sometimes I consider my wife weak because she continues to drink and doesn't seek recovery. I've been told for so many years that it's not weakness or poor judgment, but that she's sick. It's been hard for me to fully assimilate the Al-Anon concepts while being continually beaten down and disappointed. I've done alot better during the periods of my life when I've remembered that she is indeed sick and not simply weak. Addiction is a disease that I'm sure you know requires treatment and significant life changes. You have very little to do with the behavior and decisions of your addict. I hope you/we find the wisdom and strenth to focus on ourselves instead of the poor choices and insane behavior of our alcoholics. Best of luck finding peace in yourself. I'm a mess too.

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

By a Thread,

I have have often wondered the very same thing, why so damn weak, just be strong and stop the crap....unfortunately it's not that easy for them to do...addiction is a horrible disease that messes with there minds....and takes control.

However, you can change you and I am not saying by any means leave, just change the way you do things, you can not and will not change him only he can do that....

I have found by focusing on myself and my kids it makes things so much easier to deal with...only you can determine when enough is enough...only you can seperate yourself from the addiction...I know this is a hard thing to do however, it is doable....Start doing things for yourself take the focus off of the addict and place it somewhere else...for me I went back to work, I no longer have the time to focus on the addiction every minute of every day...and wow how wonderful is that.....

Stay strong, alanon will help you learn the tools you need to reach the point of seperating yourself from the disease....where there is life there is hope....

Best Wishes,
Andrea

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the most important things I learned in alanon was that it wasn't about me. He didn't drink because of what I did or didn't do, because I loved him, because I was mad at him, because......
He drank because he is an alcoholic.

Many of us come here driving ourselves crazy trying to figure it out. You can't figure it out, because it is insane, and has no logic.

What you can do is accept that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You can decide what you will and won't live with, you can learn not to constantly accept unacceptable behaviour. You can learn something about alcoholism, about this program, and about yourself, and apply that knowledge to your life.

For some of us, using the tools of this pregram and learning to focus on ourselves rather than the A means that we can continue to live with an active A and find happiness in our lives. For others, we learn that the best way to take care of ourselves is to leave. We don't give advice here (well, sometimes we forget and do give advice, but we won't be mad at you if you won't take it, we promise) but we do tell our own stories, and what worked and didn't work for us. Welcome.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

by a thread,

It really is a good question but from my experience you will never have an answer. My AHsober, mind you, walked out the door. We were on easy street. Our last son graduated from high school. The younger two earned scholarships. The one in the military is earning his college money. We have very little debt. We have our health. But he was not happy and had to move. He has no control over his internal demons and he won't work a program. This is not easy for any of us. What I have to tell myself is that I chose this A for a husband and that I got the good guy and the bad guy with this marriage. I also have to keep the focus on me and my shortcomings. And our HP's have a plan for us.

In support,

Nancy

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes I look at my completely intoxicated husband with disgust - then rarely I think he's crippled. I imagine him crumpled on the couch or the floor, and me towering over him shouting at him to stand up and start running. That's what my expectations are if he hasn't embraced the concept of recovery - before he has made sobriety his highest goal. Right now his goal is getting blotto. I like what lin said - it's definitely not about me. My husband is sick. This understanding helps me limit my expectations and get on with my own focus on me. I don't like it, and I don't always have that perspective, but my life goes SO much better when I do. Now what I do with that understanding is on me. take care--- Jill

by a thread · Newbie

Thank you everyone for your replies, and you've really helped. I though a lot about where my focus has been this past week (a really bad week) and where it now should be... and my focus isn't going to make any difference to the A, nor are my actions. But it WILL make a difference to ME. So I need to change it. Thankyou again,.

I will also try my best to understand addiction more, and not judge. There's so many times I've said to my guy... "well just stop? don't even start? it's not a difficult thing here, no-one is putting a gun to your head, it's your choice!" but I realize now (or am begininning to anyway) that it IS not a wilful choice that he makes to turn to drugs and alcohol? I'm still having a hard time with all this.

My best wishes to everyone!

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I had an experience this week with a friend of the A's who came around. He has found a new job, insists he is not drinking. He is on easy street. Yet I can see the writing on the wall, his wife is checking up on him all the time (I know that one), they are arguing. Clearly he is doing "something". He was out of work for ever with the recession we had. He now has a good job with lots of perks, a vehicle, schedule he can make up himself and more. I still dont' think he sees alcohol as a problem. Who is he hanging around - alcoholics like my boyfriend.

Personally I think I have to also look at my own sabatage too. I have sabataged myself in many many many ways being obsessed with the A. I used to be furious with envy and jealousy over his friends. I stopped, I started having boundaries.

Its funny this friend who I just saw after an extended period of time said he came over to the house I live in once. I had started not dealing with his friends when they came over because they never left. I also knew better than to get inbetween them and to set limits. He came over late (they all do). He said he heard me lock the door when he pulled up the driveway. That is one of the things I learned to do not to answer the door when his friends came over for their boundaryless time. The boyfriend has a cell phone they can call him. I can't tell you what grief it took me to get there and I only got there after nearly killing myself with rage, grief and feeling desperate. The depression from that was incredible. Now I still have a depression but I have those boundaries.

I don't spend that much time trying to figure out the A anymore. I turn it over. I also acknowledge that he is actively not trying to get "help". I know how hard help is to get I am waiting for a therapist appointment at the moment and trying to get another agency to help me. That took a lot to get. The A didn't do it. I did it for "me" not to save our relationship.

I think it is incredibly hard to move from railing and raging at them to acceptance but I know from this room and from my own experience it is really possible.

Maresie

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a disease cunning baffling and powerful is how A 's describe it and it's much stronger than you or him. Leaving him wont force him into sobriety , pleading crying thretning never works . As I am sure u already know.

I am assuming you don't attend Al-Anon meetings for yourself . perhaps it's time there is nothing ucan do about him but alot u can do for yourself. I beleive the best way to support our A's is to get our own program get our lives back on track and try and understand how HIS disease is affecting our lives.

I didn't want to leave my marriage either and going to Al-Anon made it possible for me focus on my needs and allow him the dignity to do his life his way. We have 18 yrs sobriety in our home now I am not sorry i stayed. but I could not have done that with out this program and the people in it .

Please find meetings for yourself

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, you just captured the exact essence of how I feel with that post. Every time it amazes me how they are all the same? Have you been living with my husband? It is the hardest question to stay or go and I always say I just don't understand. Mine too always sabotages when things are at their peak. I have finally decided there is no way to understand because there is no logic to it. It's the same as screaming at him while he's drunk - a waste of breath. I have pondered why and asked why and screamed and cried why and he doesn't even know why. There is no why, only when.

I hope you keep coming back, this is a hard thing to deal with alone and here everyone has been through so many of the same things, no matter where they come from all the stories are so similar. It helps me immeasurably!

Welcome and thanks for saying exactly what I feel!

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

faith · Member

man are we ever in the same boat,it seems the more we pattle the more they try to pull us under-i have been with my AH for almost 11 years- I can't even remember all the things he has done and said- I feel like i am going to just explode sometimes- maybe this is it- if we can find a place here in cyber-space to talk with others and have the support we reeally just want from the one whom we love the most. I pray for you- i hope maybe you can find peace- i pray he will make you proud!!!

Gotta have faith

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.