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I need some advice about my brother. Let me give a little backstory. My brother is addicted to crack/cocaine and he came to me and my parents in March of this year and told his that he wanted help. My parents sent him to a drug rehab program for a month and then when he was released he moved into my parents house. I don't know if it matters or not but my brother is 35 years old and my parents have basically babied him all of his life. Anyways, he moved out of their house a couple months ago and proceeded to start using drugs again. We've all been trying to get him back on the rigth track with of course no success. So he calls me today and asks me if I will hold all of his money at my place until our parents get back in town next week. Should I do this since it's a temporary thing? Is it enabling him more? Doesn't he need to handle his addiction himself and not put it on us? Any advice you'll could offer would be greatly appreciated.
Trouble...I don' think it is enabling. But he is asking you to help control his addiction for him. Crack is a horrible drug it consumes the addict and destroys them until nothing is left. If you hold his money will he then come and beg u for it? You have to decide what is the best thing for you to do. If it was me...I would take the money. I have had many friends who have lost everything because of this drug. However is he going to NA meetings???
You will find much warmth and care in these boards, and a way to find strength and direction for yourself.
As you probably know, relapse is very common in those with addictions. And your brother is as sick as the grip his addiction has on him. But also, the disease can affect many people in the family.
I'm not sure what your question here actually is. Is it that your brother wants you to look after his money so that he doesn't have to carry it himself?
If it were my brother I would look after his money for him if he didn't have a bank account etc. It seem this is temporary. It's important not to try and control him or the money though...this would be taking his responsibility away.
In my view, simply doing a favour for a brother is what loving siblings do. You are not enabling his habit, or taking away his sense of responsibility by doing him a favour.
Dodging the words of those who would disagree, I would hold the money if it meant helping my brother. Enabling? Maybe so; maybe no. Al Anon would probably tell you to allow your brother to sink or swim on his own. Compassion is another thing entirely, and that's how I see this. I am surely no expert on handling matters like this, but then again, no one else is either. We do what we think is right; that which puts our minds to rest.
I wish you and your brother well. And good for you for caring so deeply.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi...welcome. Boy, this is a hard one, my ex bf, was a CH, he has been sober for 6 months. I might add he DID NOT seek his last rehab and attempt at sobriety again until he lost everything. He DID NOT seek treatment because of me, his daughter, his family, his job,etc. He sought it because HE was sick and tired, void of a emotional and spiritual existence...and only HIS admittance that he was powerless over alcohol and drugs put him on the road to recovery.
But....when he was using.....I experienced the same kinda stuff. I held car keys and money when he was afraid he would use, he asked and I did.
One day I said no i am not holding your car keys....he was surprised...sure enough, he went on a binge, he spent every dime on crack and sold the car for crack!!! When he did call several days later, all that he owned was in two bags. I had no regrets about my decision, I am sorry he no longer had a vehicle but the miracle of it all was he entered into rehab several days later and has been sober 6 months.
Holding the money may help keep him from getting high for a few days but probably not long if he is not active in recovery.
It is so hard to detach with love and there are alot of gray areas but you seem to know something about recovery.
Well addicts are pretty good at putting us in the middle. I have felt in the middle with the A's relatives, jobs, friends and more. I try not to be in the middle anymore. I also try superhard not to be involved with the A's money. Ever heard of chaos that is usually what surrounds an addict and being in it is sticky business, sometimes it is hard to get out of. I have huge rescue issues when I met the A I was ever ready to rescue these days I am not.
So it depends on lots of conditions, can you set conditions on boundaries. Can you put up boundaries on contact, on access, on your availability, if you can hold them (pretty hard in the face of a relentless A) then yes. If not then no the stickiness of the situation is incredible.
I don't see that this would be "enabling" behavior on your part whatsoever. As others have pointed out, he's kind of asking you to help him control his addiction, which he ultimately won't need, but he is doing it in probably the only honorable way he knows how to go about it right now.... I see no harm in you helping him out in this way....
Hope it works out!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Sounds to me like your brother really does want to get straight if he is givng you the money for safekeeping.Sounds like he doesn't trust himself with it. Maybe this is one baby step towards sobriety?? Addiction is a very, very difficult thing to overcome, especially if he's trying on his own.
A word of warning though. You should ask him what he expects you to do if/when he comes looking for it to buy more dope? I don't think you are enabling him by doing that. I think it will help him, if he really will listen to you when you say "NO". But, when he is high, as you know, he is a different person... the only thing that matters to him is the dope,so keep yourself safe.
I hope he isn't expecting you and your parents to 'cure' him. My A and his family expected me to cure him. Well, we were together 24/7 every day and every night worked together, slept together,for about 7 years.I 'babysat' him constantly, threw out the booze, you name it, and guess what? After all that hard work, he wasn't cured. He always found a way to sneak out to get the bottle.
Coming to Alanon saved my sanity!! I mean literally!! I finally got it into my thick skull that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.
Read all the literature you can get your hands on, you and your parents go to face to face meetings if you can, also you might want to check NA (Narcotics Anonamous).
Even if you can't cure him, you can save your sanity, and even find serenity. Alanon works if you work it! Love TLC
