The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Dear All, My ex-A was just rubbing it in a few weeks ago how he had seen my alcoholic brother in Ennis and he was looking great , in a suit, and everything. This was meant to minimise to me just how bad this guys problems are. Yet last week my son told me that my brother had cut loose and gone to another brother down in Cork, langered drunk of course. I keep getting the unnecessary crap from the ex, asking me do I want vegetables and pretty much trying to stop me moving on with my own life and only for this site I know I would not have realised that I needed to look after myself. Thanks for everything as this site is a huge support to me. At least I know I am not alone.
You're right, you're not alone. There are many people who have to put up with other people's rubbish. I've done my fair share, and am still doing a bit of it.
I have to try and remember every day that I have to look after myself now, first and foremost. The way I see it is that if I allow all of my energy to be given away to other peoples problems then I am depleted of energy for myself. And if I can't look after myself first, I cannot do much. This is just my own reminder.
I have enough of my own problems to get on with. I realise as an adult I can only be responsible for myself. I try not to give my energy away anymore.
Seems to me like you're trying to get on with your own life in a responsible way, and you're doing well. Keep the focus on yourself, and try to figure out what you want for yourself. This is important.
At my earliest stage of recovery, I was vulnerable and weak and didn't even realise it. Keep the focus on you and one day at a time you will get stronger.
I think I was really super vulnerable to the kind of intriguing you are being presented with most of my life. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home where everything was secret. I was always trying to figure things out. I was also always trying to feel included because I felt excluded.
I have been able to look at intriguing because I have been willing to look at love addiciton is a part of my addiction to the A. The A can try to intrigue me too with his friends, his life (which is largely kept apart from me) and with his excluding me. The issue is that I am no longer intrigued, I know it is a mess and it is not my job to fix it. I used to feel in my family of origin my only goal was to "fix" others. When my mother died I craved that my younger sister would get sober and join me in recovery. She chose not to. I don't punish her for it but I must say it is a difficult thing to negotiate.
So Marie many of us have inherited and been taught roles of fixers, enablers, martyrs and rescuers. We can abdicate those roles but it brings up a lot of issues. Personaly this particular A of all A's for me has rescued me out. He has burned me to a crisp and then some and I have nothing more to give him than respect and politeness. I have no more heroic measures for him. I used to of course get a lot of secondary gain from rescuing, I felt needed, wanted, loved then eventually I felt incredible corrosive resentment.
You are in the right place if you are talking about wanting to examine those roles.
