The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well... our story begins with 3 straight weeks of raging over the realization that our main character is NOT going to stop going to Al-Anon while living with an active A.
The A is completely distraught and for the 8th time this year has declared the decission to move out on her own. To complicate things her step grandmother passes away. Now the main character expresses his sympathy and inquires about the arrangments and what parts of that the A should want to attend.
The reaction to this is to state... I can take care of it, I don't need someone to drive me. Which turns into, I'm not going ... I have to spend the day apartment hunting, after the required number of drinks.
Before retiring for the evening the A declares ... "I guess that's what you want me to do" and goes to sleep in the game room.
The curtain opens in the morning when the main character is looking at his own actions to make sure his motives are pure. He hadn't encouraged this last outburst about the A leaving, rather decided not to get involved. He asked God to take this one, 'cause he just couldn't keep doing this.
One last gesture on his way to work, he asks if the A had decided about the funeral plans and could he help her in any way. The answer puzzled him a bit... seems the A thought the main character would "... care enough to stay home and try to work things out since she had no intentions of going to the funeral."
This is where the main character is in familure territory. The A is asking him to talk her out of her plans, or pay the price.
He goes on to work with his cloak of guilt on... tremendous guilt over allowing her HP to have that discussion with her.
He realizes this is probably a real growth oportunity for him because it isn't rational for someone to want to be talked out of something they really want to do. And if they don't want to do it, declaring it semi-monthly is only manipulation.
The scene ends with the main character sharing his experience with a few hundred of his closest and dearest friends. Hopeing that if he has misunderstood the concept of "let go and let God", or if he has simply errored in his execution, this loving family will lend him guidence.
--- to be continued...
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Interesting way to share with us your challenges. As always I think you are a pillar of the program and a wonderful husband. I wish I had half of your dedication, courage and resolve.
You are an inspiration! Great job with detachment, and compassion too. You did your part in asking if there was anything else you could do for her. Thanks for sharing how to apply the tools in situations. Try not to guilt yourself too much though.... you are doing correct things. It is so tough to live with rage all the time, I don't know how you are so strong.
Doesn't sound like the main character needs anymore guidance from the family for this particular situation. He did what was best for him. It thrills me to know the main charactor is sharing with the family and allowing them to show their support.
Great for recognizing exactly what the A was after. I guess after doing this dance over and over there is some hope into understanding the unhealthy motivations of our A's. You did awesome in not allowing yourself to be pulled into the whirlwind of playing into the A's manipulation. You know you've been right here with her countless times. Thanks for sharing this with us. I personally needed to read letting go in action. Have a good weekend.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Chuckle, chuckle....yep dealing w/ an A is a little surreal....you write this post almost as an "out of body" experience. It's me, but not me..lol.
Seem that we all get those cards of fear/threats tossed at us. Plain and simple -- they are waiting for the reaction. If they don't get one, they tend to toss another one at us and another one until there is a reaction -- something familiar to them. You've stopped your part in the "dance" -- she's not pleased.
Keep in mind JADE, you don't need to justify, argue, defend or explain your motives to your A. If YOU have checked your motives and know YOU are okay then just say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. Try not to fall into the talking trap, it is near impossible to make them "okay" with what you are doing -- because they are not okay w/ themselves -- if you are okay w/ you, your behavior, actions ect. you've kept your side of the street clean and that is an accomplishment.
hhmmm, methinks the main character has been very wise...good use of Alanon tools.
One thing I have found when living with an active A, is: You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. There's just no pleasing them when they are in a certain degree of drunkedness.They want to be the centre of attention and will be, one way or another. I find there seems to be a degree where mine wants to fight and argue, and that's all there is to it.
I'll never forget one time I really used my Alanon toolbox, he was at that stage, and usually could push my button. This time, I would not answer his foolish questions, and wouldn't get caught in the trap. I didn't speak at all. After awhile, he sighed and went to sleep. I had an awful hard time not to laugh out loud! Ya had to be there! It was sooo funny!!
Can't wait for the next chapter, praying for your Serenity! Love TLC
