The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone, I am new to this message board but not to Al Anon. Meetings are hard to get to as they conflict with my work schedule most of the time. I am thankful for this board. I've been reading some posts and I guess I should be lucky my AH does not go into any loud hysterics or become physical. He just retreats to his room. Since he found out he has some serious heart problems last year he has been drinking so much. He is retired and I work. By the time I get home he is passed out and I don't see him sometimes for a few days. He will not talk about it and seems on a one way path to destruction. Usually after several days his body gives out and he is sick and stays off it for a day or two, but gets right back on schedule when he's feeling better. I don't feel like I am married. We don't share sex, talks, plans for the future, going out to dinner, etc. I do have friends I go places with but I get jealous when I see couples who are sharing their lives together. I have asked him if he wants to divorce but he says no. I am afraid if I leave him he will really be bad off - he has no friends and is scared he is going to die from the heart thing. He is not a mean person and we've been together for 32 years. I just can't see the rest of my life like this but don't know if I really want to change things so drastically. Already just by posting I realize the problem is with me. I'm sounding co-dependant. I think I need to work the program more. Thanks for listening.
Hello Daisy , boy u sure rang some bells for me with your post as I have been where your at now. I tried not to watch my husb kill him self with alcohol but some days it is impossible to not . I remember looking at him and go from so angry i couldn't speak to wanting to beg him to get well ,all in a split second.
I too used to get jealous when i saw couples that made it , but then I decided to look at things differently I saw them as hope , the maybe ya know ???
My husb didn't die he drank himself to near death and decided it was too painful and he had nothing to loose by trying sobriety. He is sober 18 ys in a few days . luckily he found his miracle .
When u live with alcoholism loney is normal , again I turned to my prog and Al-Anon friends I went to more meetings out for coffee started to make friends go to movies etc I too had a choice sit home and watch or carry on with my life.
I don' t know if your up for this or not but it was suggested to me that I write my husb a letter telling him how I felt about what was happening to him , no YOU words they said , it took me a few weeks to get it all down on paper and it took me another 4 weeks to find the courage to leave it on his desk . I carried that damn thing around in my purse all that time.
I told him I loved him and would allow him the dignity to do this his way, also reasured him that there was help for him he did not have to live like this. I had no expectations that the letter would change anything but it did. It changed ME.
I felt so much better after telling him those things that I had thought about for so long and wanted to say knowing that if he chose to die drinking that he knew he was loved and would be missed. He continued to drink for a yr after that and never mentioned reading the letter to me until he was sober for a few yrs. He said he has saved it I havent found it . hehe
So glad u found this board , keep comming and sharring how u are feeling . Louise
Well, the only thing we can change is ourselves. And you know from experience you can have a life reguardless of what your husband chooses to do. Perhaps it is time to put what you have learned in your al anon meetings into daily use.
Glad you found us. We have lots of love, experience, strength and hope around here!!
Sometimes no matter how much we work our program we have these feelings of lonliness and uncertainty of what we should do .
Listen to what you said---you dont want to drastically change things.....you dont have too and ive heard it recommended no life changing decision when new to a recovery program , and new to me means at least a year. One day at a time.....focus on you and and turn over what isnt in your control, peace and serenity will come. Along with answers.
You are honest and thats important, dont beat yourself up, you are ok. Keep coming back. G
The word lonely really caught my attention. I never knew loneliness like I did when I was married to my Ex A/da. I spent many years being miserably lonely while being married at the same time. I always found it baffling. How could I be so lonely, yet married? I really am alone now. I separated from my Ex 3 years ago, divorced 2 years ago.... but, I don't really feel that same loneliness as I did then, when I was married with children. Anyway, I have learned since then that it is possible to be terribly lonely and married at the same time. Being married to an "A" can be very lonely. Now, I'm feeling better than I have in years (go figure!). I have no boyfriend, no man in my life and children that are rarely home and I'm better! The difference is that I am finally getting the help I need to start turning my life around. I'm starting to feel human again! Where I went wrong was thinking that I could handle everything on my own, believing that I wasn't the one who needed the help, and not getting out of my situation sooner. I have so much more hope now! Thanks to this organization and the wonderful people who come to this board. I'm very thankful to feel hope again!!! ET
Hi, I am also new to this board and to Al Anon. Although I have not been married nearly as long as you I can really understand how lonely you are feeling. I was a single parent for many years. After my son married I met and married my AH. He has health problems and when he went on disability he took up drinking almost full time. No movies, no dinner out, no going to the grandkids ball games unless I want to do it by myself. I didn't get married to go out alone and it makes me mad that he can’t go. I was much happier when I was not married. There were times when I got lonesome for company but never bone deep lonely. I wish you the very best in finding peace and serenity in your day to day life. It is my prayer that you will meet a new friend with a similar situation and the two of you will be able to make plans to fill the empty times and not feel like you need to make excuses for not having a husband involved. This board and the meetings I go to have saved me from many a night spent crying and being angry and I am learning how to take care of myself. Itsn't it great that we have this board to vent and help us rethink our problems. Keep comming back. I know I will.
Wow, lots of good points to think about. Today was better, it was an "off drinking day" and I really like being home on those days. Funny too how it seems when I have somewhere to go he often takes an off drinking day, but I still went out to dinner tonight with some friends. 3 of the ladies are not married and go on trips together and they were surprised when I said had I known they were going back east in Oct. I would have liked to have gone. One of the ladys said oh you wouldn't want to go without your husband and I said yes, I certainly would. I don't really want to tell them the truth of the situation but I'm sure they know something is amiss. (Uh oh, just realized I'm trying to think of excuses for him and thats a no no). One thing I'm sure of is I need to work the program more. Tomorrow I'm taking part of my lunch hour to go to a meeting. I always feel better after a meeting. Part of a meeting is better than none at all. I am so thankful for this message board. Late last night when I really needed to talk I was able to and received such wonderful messages from you all. I know that its good to have a sponsor to call but I've never felt comfortable with calling someone around midnight when times seem to be the roughest. Happy to be here.
