The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mind is forever busy, with all the emotional stuff from losing mom and wondering why I don't miss seeing my A. Once again however he has hurt my feelings and I wonder if I even love him anymore. He told me Wednesday that he would be with me today, maybe we would go get something to eat or go out for a bit, just the two of us. Well, last night he told me his buddie's schedule had changed and now what they had planned for Sunday was changed to today. He even asked if I minded. I asked him if it mattered if I did mind? I mean does it really matter to the A if we are let down, disappointed, or come in second to their needs and wants? Would it make him change his schedule for me? I didn't think so and he confirmed that by saying so. Now I not only battle with the emotional ups and downs of cleaning mom's house out but with my A's callousness in handling out relationship. I am jealous in a way, that there he is having a good time, while I am here doing what needs to be done. The more I think it through, the more I realize that this is also my home life, I deal with everyday life and he is always out having a good time. I am feeling the time he does spend with me right now, maybe 45-60 minutes a week, is out of some obligation he feels. I know I am not supposed to understand, or try to understand what makes him tick, or why he does things the way he does. I've known for months that mom's passsing would bring me to a point of asking myself....what is it that I really want? What do I need to be happy?
Thanks for being here, it makes it less lonely for me. Hugs Mary
oh mary, i am going thru something very similar. my dad died in may and my now ex was nowhere around for me while he was dying. i am an only child so all of the house stuff and everything is on my shoulders. plus the 3 kids that he has very little to do with these days. and some nights i let it all get to me. and i think how could he be so calous about the whole situation. my father who always treated him with love and respect. better than he'd been treated in his entire life, my ah (ex--have to get used to that) didn't even show to the service to support me or his own children. i am very nice to him at this point. why make things more hurtful than they all ready are. but i do want to tell him how truly awful his behavior is and i hope he lives with the regret for the rest of his life. i am mad and hurt. but i will go to the movies with him tomarrow and i will accept his friendship. it makes life easier for me at this moment. and someday i will be ready to not have a friend like him. not yet. that's how it was with the whole divorce thing. i went back many times because i wasn't ready to let go. and then one day i was ready and i let go. still hurts but it feels right. i am so sorry for what you are going thru with your grief and all the practical things that have to be done.for me i have had to just let it happen. when i am overcome with saddness i let it happen rather than hold it back. i know i am grieving both my father and the loss of my marriage. we will come thru this and the other side will be that much more beautiful. lots of love....
You need lots of hugs hon. Losing mom is so horrible. Then having to go thru her stuff. so hard. I even saved my mothers little notes to herself...in other words I could not throw anything away.
A's are horrible when we go thru very painful stuff. They cannot handle it. NO Excuse either. They sure expect us there when they hurt.
I know mine drank even more when I lost my mother and gma. Had to drink away his horrible guilt for not being there. so sad.
I relate to your questions. I know for me, my mothers death made me have to grow up. After the horriblest grieving stopped for a bit, I looked at my life too.
Please go easy on you. You will need to for a long time. I am on a grief support group that helps me so much. It feels good to support others. And I learn too.
Mary what makes you stay? Just a question. What do you get out of this?
When I really asked myself that, it was not so hard to say, "Get out of here."
If he cannot treat you will care and respect....sigh.
Consider the saying "When I got busy I got better". You are pretty busy right now and perhaps it makes it somewhat easier not to care so much about being with your A. The focus is for the most part off of him, so maybe that's why you don't seem to miss him? Just a guess.
I recall a previous post where you mentioned enjoying family. I think you are right, this could be the time to ask yourself the tough questions. You're away from him and have the space to think much more clearly. I'd be taking advantage of that.
Keep your mind and spirit open to answers, watch for signs along the way.. Who knows, maybe Mom left you some helpful answers.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
May you find the answers you are looking for. Remember answers come when we are truly ready to receive them. Stay strong. You are a wonderful human being and deserved to be loved and be happy.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
hi marmare , yeah I relate to alot of that. What I have learned so far after a few years in the programme is that no an A will not always be able to consider our feelings in the way that a healthy person would and its not usually possible to negotiate things like plans to go out in the mutual way. However I also learned that this doesn't mean we can't ever express our feelings or occasionally let off steam , just that there is no guarantee of any response . And therefore we are urged to make our own plans and pursue our own interests with other friends where possible. As for him 'being out there having a good time' I know what you mean ... but again I've been urged by programme members to try not to see it that way , that the A is not really having a good time , that they are unwell and that the best way to benefit everyone is for us to try to get into our own space where we have a separate life going on , either alongside the A or as the others have said possibly separately if we come to that decision in our own good time . Or if we feel that what they are doing is too much unacceptable to us . And there are other options beside staying or leaving like living separately or 'cohabiting' etc , many different ways suit different people hopefully the programme helps us to find out what suits us ,
I think at times of grief you question lots of things including your own mortality and the life you are leading. Take one day at a time allow yourself time to sift throught the wonderful memories of your Mum and then reflect when you are ready on your relationship. Remember happiness comes from within. Ask HP and your Mum to guide you along the way. Luv Leo xx
