The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had asked help from a funding source to help pay for part of the car repair, and that came through. They are going to pay some of it. I also got news that they thought my car was going to be ready yesterday (Tuesday), but when they test drove it, the tranny still was acting up.--sigh So the car isn't ready. Don't know when it will be. But it isn't the shop's fault. They didn't rebuild the tranny, another shop did, but not very well. So it is that shop's fault. But, good news, not our fault no extra $$$.
I come home and hubby isn't there. He said he may not be had running around to do with his friend. No big deal. I feed the kids and hop onto the meeting. The meeting was great, had a few bugs, but I wasn't feeling serene when I left. Some jerk came in and flooded the room with messages (really long story, but it was no one who attends the meetings fault) and I let the stress get to me.
I get the kids to bed, and do some tidying on the house. And it is now 9:30. I am emotionally exahusted and decide to go to bed. I am now convinved since "A" is out with another active "A", he is up to no good. I try not to let that get to me, but it hurts. He has only been home for 4 days and already out in it again.
I lay down and try to go to sleep. 10 minutes later there is a knock on the door. I am full of rage at him, or so I think. I love my HP he reached down and touched me in the few seconds it took me to walk to the door. I wasn't mad at him, I was scared. Scred of going down that path again, and losing my two best friends (He has been my hubby and not the addict) in the same day.
When I opened the door, I just started crying. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that part of it was because my friend left (which he knew) and that I was scared that I was going to lose him again. I told him that I couldn't go through all of it again, I told him I don't think I have it left in me. He said he isn't planning on going down that road again. He told me he had two drinks that night (the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, but I didn't say anything) and that was it. He was sober when he came home, and actually did accomplish what he had intended to that day.
We had a good night, he held me and let me cry (I needed to let some emotion out) and was so understanding.
I know his sobriety is his thing, I have no control over it. I really don't care if he had 2 drinks or 10. He was there for me when I needed him. He was able to be there emotionally for me for the first time in a long time. That is the blessing I see. I know he can't maintain his alcohol consumption, he has tried before. After we talked it out I let his drinking that night go. I told him that I think in the past I may have confused fear for anger. I am not afaid of him, I know I don't need him in my life, but I want him, and I am scared that I will lose him. A very valid fear.
He thanked me for letting him in to my inner thoughts last night. Thanked me for allowing him to be a husband to his wife. I am very guarded with him. Don't always let him know what I am thinking. He'd probably drop dead if he was able to read my thoughts. That's why I keep them to myself. Hmmm, I never thought about it, but he needs me to let him take care of me at times. And bit by bit I can slowly take the steps to allow him to do that. I know if I take those steps I can get hurt again, I am aware of that. If I didn't, what point would there be to try to stay together? We talked and he knows that it will take alot of work on his part to regain my trust so that I can give him more of me, I also need to focus on me so that I am able to maintain healthy boundaries and keep the foundation of my program solid.
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Today I am in a much better mindset, I have my serenity back. I thought of a few positives about the car, I am not driving it, so I am saving money on gas. I am not driving it so I am not adding miles to it. It will eventually get fixed and done. I need to be patient. And hey, with all the repairs it is going to be in great shape.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy (Dolphin123)
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Just keep doing what you are doing. Way to work the program. I know its scary to let someone into your thoughts but it feels so good when you do. I know its hard to loose a friend but you have the phone and the net to keep in touch with her. Don't let your mind run with hub, I know its hard but just keep working your program.
Wow - is what I kept thinking as I was reading your post - especially the part about letting your H being a supportive husband to you when he was able to be. That is so great - Even though they are affected by this horrible disease, there is still good in them (I have tears in my eyes as I type this) I, too, can remember sometimes letting my fear come out as anger and pushing my AH away instead of letting him be the husband he was trying to be, even during the really bad days of active abuse. Sometimes, they can still be comforting to us, why because we love them and they really do love us - even though we all have been affected by this disease of alcoholism/addiction.
So glad that you were able to get some financial help with the car and hope that it will be repaired soon -
Thanks again so much for this post - it is a wonderful reminder -
Let it Begin with Me,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
((((Mandy)))) Glad you are feeling better today. I understand how hard it is to watch someone we love being consumed by this alcoholism. I, too, was touched by what you said about letting your husband be a husband to you. I used to feel that I was responsible for everything, and in doing so, didn't let my husband be fully the man he is. I would remind him days in advance of the house payment due, as it is his responsiblity to pay it. I would remind him a couple of days later. I would lay his checkbook out. I would lay out an envelope. And a pen. I would offer to deliver the house payment where it needed to go. Gee Whiz! You'd think he was a two year old, couldn't even find his own checkbook! That's how bad I was.
I learned early in Alanon to let him be responsible for himself. I was so scared he wouldn't make the payment, I would just unmeaningly nag him about it. The more I said about it, the more he would drag his feet. It would drive me nuts. Once I learned he was a grown man, almost 50 years old, and to quit "projecting" that he wouldn't make the housepayment, I let up on him. And you know what??? He can and does find his checkbook, a pen, an envelope, and he delivers the house payment himself. Aren't you so proud of him???
You are working a great program. I'm sure hubby appreciates you more than you know. Keep the posts coming. I learn a lot from you.
You know... I am a regular at mixing anger with fear. The second I get upset it seems I get angry, when I really am just afraid. That is what your post made me think about. When I come from that place of fear disguised as anger - I only hurt myself. I can't hurt anyone outside of me, but I can do a hell of a lot of damage to me.
Thanks for your post, it made a difference for me today :O)
I am so glad you feel better today. Wow it is truly a place of "limbo" isn't it. You can still feel that love for him and he is there, and you can have a loving night. You are strong and I liked the way you said your HP touched you on your way to answer the door. It sounded like you were comforted when you needed to be, and he was there for you.
Gosh it sounds like you are right in the place that I am. I have such a guard up and I am scared and lost and don't believe a thing AH says. It will take a lot to get trust back with him, so I can give more of myself to him like you said, but sadly, I don't know if I want to at this point. Things seem shattered right now.
Thanks for your wisdom and venting, I learn from you and you are a strong lady.
I would say you had that cry coming and good that you let it out. You had a full day and glad that today is looking better for you and your serenity. You are so worth it.
I so understand the fear you have...I also find myself in those moments....Stay strong dear friend, keep working your program...just keep on keeping on and life will be ok...I am sure the worry of the expense of your car weighs heavily...just think of it like this....you are so very fortunate to have public trasportation...if you lived where I live you would be up shit creek without a paddle.....
I so remember those days when I wished daily that my husband could maintain his efforts to cut down and get my hopes up, just to have them dashed to pieces...
I still fall into that rut sometimes but it usually lasts a few minutes and I don't get as angry and dissapointed.
Alanon has helped me a lot with detachment and that my husband's sobriety is HIS business (as long as he meets my minimum requirements to work a full time job, do the chores we negotiated are his, and he pays the bills on time) and I need to stop watching over him.
My Mom has helped a lot too. She told me that as long as he is meeting the minimum requirements of his responsibilities as a husband and father I should be able to move on in my life and try to enjoy what I can. Too many men anymore don't even do the minimum and are total deadbeats and don't do a thing and end up being supported (or "kept") by their parents or anyone they can con into supporting their habit whatever that is.
My first husband fits that bill, although he worked and made a six figure income. He spent it all on drugs, booze, carousing and womanizing and I never saw a dime while married to him and he never paid a single dime in child support after our divorce. I call him "The Deadbeat Dad of the Century".
Anyway, once I had this mindset, I began to be able to detach a lot better. I never expect my husband to stop drinking, I just expect him to do the responsibilities WE negotiated are his and I make sure I do mine. He DOES them so I am not so angry with him most of the time.
Of course his drinking still causes a lot of problems, but I no longer have the horrible emotional ups and downs taht are tied into his drinking like I did before.
I don't have a "well trained" husband like many of you, LOL. He does not leave when I tell him to leave, and does not move out when I tell him to move out. He says this is HIS house as much as mine and I can't throw him out...so true...anyway...we have learned to negotiate what needs to be done and each be responsible to do it. We don't police each other and get into each other's personal business.
Not exactly the marriage I dreamed of, but hey, I DO like being married to a "grown up" who didn't expect me to act like his mother. I don't have to remind him or tell him to do ANYTHING.
I try everyday to count my blessings that at least my husband works and pays the bills and minds his own business. Once I stopped being so angry at him I was able to see his good points, like the fact that he hates debt and never spends a dime he does not absolutely have to (except for alcohol)...as I have said...this poor man's ONLY vice in the whole wide world is his alcholism...other than that he is the best thing since sliced bread, LOL. I am free to do as I like and go where I please and I finally realized it was about time I started doing that and stopped being caught up in whether or not he was drinking.
Now, I have already told him that if the day comes that he does not or cannot work that I will file for divorce and just cut ties with him and be done with him. I have put up with a WHOLE lot from him...but that is O-U-T OUT that I would have to support him too!
I also got news that they thought my car was going to be ready yesterday (Tuesday), but when they test drove it, the tranny still was acting up.--sigh So the car isn't ready. Don't know when it will be. 
But it isn't the shop's fault. They didn't rebuild the tranny, another shop did, but not very well. So it is that shop's fault. But, good news, not our fault no extra $$$.
