Saw my therapist yesterday and asked for assistance in making sure I was asserting myself properly.  She said the timing was wrong - but that I am doing the right thing.  I told her I didnt want to treat my boyfriend like a child - because he isnt a child.  She said "sometimes they are - and sometimes they need to be treated like that."  Irony is that I work with children everyday - I have my own swim school and I teach all levels of children.  Its a game of give and take with them and I know my craft well - she said to take that skill and use it in this relationship when my boyfriend is busy stomping his feet and not budging because he isnt getting his way. 

So I thought about that when I was teaching this little boy Frank yesterday who is about 3 years old and has some terrible control issues.  He SCREAMS if I tell him something he doesnt want to do at that time - and I just hold my ground. 

"No Frank - we can do the one thing you want to do after we do one thing Miss Cynthia asks you to do"

"No Miss Cynthia - can we do one of my ideas - I dont want to do one of your ideas"

"Frank - we can do that one idea after you do the work you need to do"

"But no Miss Cynthia - I want to do my idea"

"Frank - I am going to give you a choice, you can either do one back float first or one time going under the water first.  Which one would you like."

"Miss Cynthia I want a different choice than that"

"Frank which of the two do you want to do"

"I want a different choice than those"

"Frank, if you dont make the choice between the back float and the going under the water - I am going to make it for you."

"Miss Cynthia I want a different choice.  Can we do my idea"

"Frank, we can do your idea right after we do the other two things you need to do - the back float and going under the water."

"No Miss Cynthia I dont want to."

"Ok Frank - we are going to do the back float first."

Frank now screams and shreiks - however he does the two skills, gets to use the barbell and swim for toys and is reinforced that because he did the two skills - he was able to do what he wants.

I laughed.  I know I cant treat a situation with my boyfriend in exactly the same way, but if I can assert myself and allow for both parties in a swim lesson to get what they want and need - I wish I could do the same in a relationship. 

So I talked to my boyfriend.  I told him I still didnt have a decision on going out there or not - I wanted to sleep on it.  He said ok.  I purposely kept the conversation short and sweet with him.  We talked for 25 minutes - when he called me back last night.  I stated that I was considerate of him going to sleep and would talk to him tomorrow.  Let him keep control of what he needed. 

Now I have to let him know what my decision is going to be.  Keeping in mind that I dont want to reinforce nastiness towards me when he doesnt get his way.  So I have to tread lightly.  I have to keep respecting myself and make it clear that I will not stand for him being nasty just because he isnt getting his way - and he can talk to me better than that.  And that I will go out there because I am going to live up to my commitments - however there will be a time where I wont put up with it any longer and I will walk away if it continues.

Now - how to do that nicely....and with kindness....