The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How can I stop certain people treating me like a door mat and acting with no consideration. Today I dropped my son off at the airport, had informed people I would be late for work,yet the minute I came in the door, they descended on me with last minute requests. It really irritates me that people can constantly do this and I get so annoyed but cannot show it as I really need this job.Sorry I just need to vent,
Learning to be assertive and learning to say no can be very difficult. I am in the early stages of recovery myself and have spent a lifetime around Aism.
I learned that my self esteem was very low, and this caused me to me less assertive than was healthy for myself. I learned from reading these boards that I needed to consider boundaries for myself, and then to set boundaries and stick to them. This was a hard lesson for me to learn. I couldn't see what I needed to do. But gradually, I started to realise and to learn.
In my view, people only demand from you what they know you will willingly give. I was used to giving my all to other people and not much to myself, and so some people took advantage of this.
I had no energy left for myself.
Now, everyday I create and stick to boundaries. I'm getting there, and I'm starting to really value myself too. I've noticed other people have started to notice this too.....and they make less demands on me. I don't think they took advantage purposefully, just because it was easy maybe!
I needed to show others how to respect me again. I did this through respecting myself.
Isn't it awful that when you need support the most you don't get it? I am finding that my boundaries are getting stronger especially at work. I just can't take on everything that they throw at me. Sometimes I am even able to really sit back and watch and think its funny. I work as hard as I can and then I just say enough is enough and go home.
You start by taking baby steps. Just once, say no to something. You don't have to say it meanly. Try: "Gee, I'm sorry as much as I would like to help you out, I can't at the moment. My plate is full." If someone is stepped on enough, eventually they will pick themselves up and get out of the way.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Boundaries have been so so difficult for me. I have been working on them for a long time. Please don't beat yourself up. They take time. I do understand the issue of not knowing how to have them. I watch for the boundary stuff all the time. I watch for how pushy people manage. I have learned to withdraw from those interactions. It is very subtle stuff sometimes. I have to practice a great deal.
Saying No to the A has been one of the most difficult things. Like many other people in my life he learned to play on my fear of abandonment and my people pleasing. I have had to work on them so much in order to get a sense of balance.
I am glad that you are talking about this issue for you. I have to talk about it a great deal.
I have also learned for me it is in increments. I no longer beat myself up about the boundary stuff but I do notice it a great deal. I work on it all the time.
Thanks to all of you for this, I did not realise it was a boundary issue and at least now I can make a start on doing something about it, I have actually been practicing for the last day, talking to myself with the wording so it will come easier to me. I really appreciate your support and help on this because I found it really upsetting.
