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I try so to let my buttons not be pushed by my Mom and older brother. I've tried simply staying away.They put me on a guilt trip and I stupidly allow it to happen. I had to take her to an MD appt. today and she just kept bringing up my brother this and that. I stayed cool as long as I could. My Mom's friends are labeling me mean spirited because I've removed myself from the situation in order to keep my sanity. It is sad.... I feel I can not be around her or my brother. I'm afraid she will die... as she is 86 and I will have worse guilt and regrets. Our previously good relationship is in a shambles since my older brother got involved when Mom had a seizure in Jan. Prior to that she was lucky if she heard from him 4 times a year for 6 years since my Dad passed. Whenever I'm around her or my older brother I fill with anger and try to look and be sweet outwardly....inwardly I am seething. Whenever I've been around them I'm a mess for days , go into a worse depression. I can not do this much longer. Ever just want to run away? I'm trapped I live on a farm with livestock. I'm in the process of divorcing my A. Why is it in times of crisis some families pull together and some tear apart?
Hello Hope. sorry your having such a rough time with your family right now. My mom and I had a terrible relationship for yrs my fault entirely after being in this prog for awhile I just knew I had to do soemthing about it and decided to call my friends and ask them what they liked about my mother sounded stupid but I jsut couldn't see the good stuff. After looking at the list of things they had given me I wa reminded of how much I always apprecialted those same things but my anger had made me forget them.
One was how she always looked so nice , dressed up all the time , the other was her beautiful hair it was snow white and always looked great.
Another was her voice she was very soft spoken and never once did I hear her raise her voice in anger. so a gratitude list of sorts helped to change our relationship around. And as for the brother well I ahve been there done that too . I was the one that always made sure she had enough money , paid for trips to come and visit ,bought her nice clothes just because I could and my brother who lived only a few miles away never saw her. When she too became ill he became he light of her life and in typical fashion I turned it into sibling rilvary and was jealous about her talking about how great he was. sheeeeeeesh
I had to understand that it was not personal and came to be grateful that my brother finally realized he had a mom and stepped up to the plate to help for the first time in his life, I knew that I ahd been a good daughter and that had to be enough for me. I didn't need anyone telling me that I had been kind to her I knew it . so I was able to let it go too.
As u said at 86 she won't be with you much longer , I hope u can come to terms with the problelm and enjoy her again . as for your brother well , just let it go. Louise
(((hope)))) Sorry you are having a bad time right now. I liked what I heard someone on here say "Your opinion of me is none of my business", it seems like it may have been Canadianguy. Anyone know. But, a lot of times my husband tries to tell me that so and so said that about me, or that he thinks this and that about me. But, I know myself. I am a good person. I try to treat others well, turn the other cheek, I am a loving caring friend, daugher, mom, aunt, and grandma. I do the best I can. If all that I can do is not enough, then that is their problem, not mine.
It is so hard, especially with an older parent. My Mom will be 86 in November, and she is in good health, but some of the stuff she says can really get under my skin. My sisters and I were never allowed to disagree with her or each other. She raised us alone after she divorced our A dad. Even now, it is like she is the "Queen" and we all turn into 10 year olds when we go home to visit (she lives in another state). I hate that feeling, but I love my Mom. I can be there 1 hours, and she says something about my hair, giving advice, my weight (I'm too fat), my clothes (my jeans are too long). Something. Always something. I always felt like I wasn't good enough. I knew she loved me, and she isn't mean about it, but I always felt like I was being put down.
Now that she is older, I just don't let it bother me. She is the way she is. She is not going to change. But, this summer when I went home and stayed 8 whole days, I had made up my mind I was going to have a good visit with her. I was going to let any of her "negative" comments just roll off my back. I tried to see that she was saying what she was saying because #1, that is how she always has been, and #2, her opinion of how I ought to wear my hair or clothes was just that, HER opinion. I did not have to change my hair or clothes, to me, I was find the way I was. And I didn't get upset at all this time. I had a wonderful visit. She is 86, and may not be around much longer. So, if she wants to voice her opinion, I let her. I just don't have to do any of it. I am my own person, and I am happy with my choices.
If I could figure that one out I could rest in peace. My mom is 84 and I have never gotten along with her. Don't even know why. I can't be with her more than an hour and I go ballistic. She is of course very critical of me and not the other sibs. Ditto on what the others said here at the board.
This last time I saw her I just blew up and cried. I told that I couldn't take how she treated me. Then she brought out this long list of what others thought was wrong with me (my AH, my sibs, my co-workers). I pretty much said who's side are you on anyway? I said don't you realize that my AH wants a divorce? Don't you realize that I need support? Don't you realize that I have had a rough year? I asked her to quit talking behind my back - if you have something to say, just say it, if you don't want me here, tell me upfront.
What I have come to realize is that she will always be somewhat of a sacred cow by her own design. The sibs who do the least will always receive the least criticizm. And that for my family is not always a source of support and that I have to let go of that and find support somewhere else. And really it is isn't about us usually they just take it out on us.
I think this sort of thing even happens a lot in "normal" families - moms think that they are showing concern, interest, and love, and the daughters think they are being critical (and vice versa). Probably some fault on both sides - things worded insensitively on one side, and people being too touchy on the other. For people like us, with all our extra baggage, it can just get to be too much sometimes.
Sometimes I find it helpful just to realize that the reason I am finding something hard is that it IS hard. It's not that I don't have any coping skills, or that my life is so much worse than others, it's just that some things are really difficult, for anybody. Mother/daughter relationships are one of those things. Now that my own daughter is in her teens, I am beginning to have some sympathy for my mom, and realize that her motives were good, after all. She was just human, and made mistakes.
Wow you all hit it on the head.... my Mom is critical and always has been. No matter what we did.... it was never right or good enough. She says.... it is to help me be a better person. She does it to all of us. My Dad did it too. Gosh will I never be ok or good enough?
My brother was up visiting and was wearing an old shirt, he told me he said to her..... '' before you say anything I know you do not like this shirt, so you do not need to say it'' and he walked away from her.
Could I be extra sensitive because I lived with it from my A spouse and have gone from one extreme to another? I used to tolerate being called names and being walked on. Now I'm intolerant of even small infringements on myself. I also realize I treated my A with criticism at times. It's what I learned,I have guilt about that too. He wasn't an angel either. My frustration may be when I bump into people who will not admit they have made mistakes. I feel I am willing to own my part. However my Mom and older brother will not own any part of our current rift. I may be to stubborn or have to much pride to ignore the digs, it always ends up with me walking away saying I can not take this anymore and have to just stay away. I feel so immature, I tell myself grow up let it go, and can never do it.
My middle brother and I wanted counseling my Mom po po's the idea.''What do I need counseling for". My older brother is too busy and would not be able to go until Nov.
When I asked my family for support, informing them that it is not easy to end a 28 yr relationship and file for divorce. Their response was well this is what you wanted. NO what I would have liked was to have an A spouse who would try to stop drinking through AA, while I went to AlAnon owned my part and we could heal together. It was easier for him to find someone new.
Ok I was reading other topics when it occurred to me maybe I've become an all or nothing person. I lived with my AH for 28 years
I tolerated all types of sarcasm , putdowns. Then one day I realized he is not going to change. Even if I try in AlAnon and work on changing myself.... he is not willing to change be it sobriety or simply the lousey behaviors we share in these crazy A based relationships. Rather then continue to live the way we were (which was no good for either of us).... it was time to end it. When he realized it was ending he found another women...Yet there are so many of you here, who are able to change yourselves and continue a relationship with your A's who are not willing to change.
How do you do it? How do you find the strength to turn the other cheek and stay kind day after day. I might be able to find the compassion to do it for awhile however can only tolerate being abused for so long then I'm done. This is how it is with my Mom and one brother.... I'm drawing a line in the sand for what I feel is my own sanity and protection. Yet I wonder why do I have to be so drastic these days? I hope it's a temporary stage for self preservation? I hope I do not go from being tolerant to totally intolerant. One is as bad as the other.
