The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, everyone. My AH was off work Fri. thru Mon. Of course it was a four day drunk. He spent half a day with me and the rest with his drinking buddy. It may sound weird, but I was kinda glad he was gone, because I haven't been feeling well.
Him and his buddy came in about nine last night, and I had not cooked any dinner and did not plan to. I fixed the kids sandwiches and just layed back down, because I am sick. Well, needless to say he was angry, because there was no dinner on the table, I told him that I didn't feel good, and he said I was just lazy and fakeing being sick. He started chopping up potatoes on the counter and burning oil all over the stove. All the while telling what a piece of crap I am, and I started to defend myself, but I just told him that I don't have any fight left in me. I don't feel like argueing with him and it is useless anyway. It is like a vicious circle and we end up getting nowhere.
Anyway, when I would not fight with him, he got all lovey, I did not want to fight but I did not want him hugging all over me either, he stinks and I was already sick to my stomach. I keep going over this in my mind and I am so confused. I love him so much, but for the life of me can not find a reason why. He calls me names, he breaks things, he hits me, he spits his food on me and pours his drinks on me, why do I love him? Why do I stay? I have thought about calling the police on him, but I just can't bring myself to do it.
He even blamed me that he lost his stupid keys and could not find them at 4:30 this morning. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am confused and I feel stuck in a situation that is not going to change. He dosen't even think he has a problem.
I have read lots of post on this forum and about them getting help and changeing, I am scared to even bring the subject of him needing help to him. There are so many things that I want to change about myself, but I don't know how.
I hope this makes sense to someone, because it does not even make sense to me, I am just typing what I am feeling and some things that go on in my home. I am in need of some serious help, I am going to keep reading the post and try to get some insight.
The only thing I can say, is I am glad you are here. You sound so much like me when I first stumbled into this room. I was sick, husband had been arrested for acting out and breaking probation.
My husband is verbally abusive when drinking, and has broken some objects, but for the post part he is just all mouth. You do not need to tolerate being hit. It can escalate into worse and worse things.
You cannot make him get help. But you can help yourself. Remember you do not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. He will only get help if he wants to, but you can save yourself, and, it is up to you if you want to remain in the relationship.
I strongly advise getting the book "Getting Them Sober". You will find a world of wisdom there. It helped me a lot. Keep posting, join the chat. Go to online meetings. And when you are well, you can think more clearly, and find a meeting in your area.
Going in the chat room helped me. I found encouragement and love there. And, slowly but surely, I am getting better.
I know things seem hopeless right now, and you feel alone, powerless and scared. I did too. There is a way out of this viscious circle, and it is called Alanon. I cannot urge you enough.
If you have no idea why you love him, then try to search for something you really do love and focus yourself on that. Do you love him because you love the idea of having a complete family, do you love him because you want that other half to help out with kids, etc. Do you love him because he makes money and pays the bills. If these are the only reasons you love him, then you really don't love him. He is a comfort zone for you.
And trust me, after years and years and years and years of beggin for my AH to get help or something, he only would finally do it and believe in it when he was truly ready. It took him many years to believe in AA and to understand it, and he's been fighting this disease very hard, but unfortunately for him, he may just be one of those hopeless cases, because the disease rears its ugly head and takes over just when he's doing well, he's happy and he's got his life back together.
Take care of yourself and find things for you, and surround yourself with people who are good to you and who love you
I understand what you are saying, walking on eggshells was a horrible feeling. This is some valuable information they can answer questions, please do not hesitate to call them.
Battered Womens Justice Project 1-800-903-0111 National Organization for Victims Assistance is 1-800-TRY-NOVA National Resource Center for Domestic Violence at 1-800-537-2238 US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information 800-799-7233
I would like to add asking your local authorities and sharing with your own personal doctor so they can make a note on file and perhaps give you additional resources (that is taken from my own experience)
- no one has to accept violence. No matter what seems to trigger the attack, we all deserve to be safe. care and wishes, tea2
Try and look after yourself now. Try and do little things for yourself that make you happy....I know it's hard sometimes to even know what makes us happy. I struggled with this. I spent years keeping everyone else happy and for got about myself.
I exercise now....just walking. It gives me time to breathe in fresh air and think. I've started to notice nature more too. That's just my way. Try and find your way for yourself.
Don't take abuse from anyone. Regardless of the As illness, he does not have any right to abuse. Demand more for yourself. You know you deserve it!
We have a saying here, we do not give advice unless there is abuse. My dear, you are being abused. Please seek some help for you. You do not have to tolerate being hit and spit on. tea gave you some excellent information. Please look in to it.
You asked what is wrong with you. It is the result of the abuse. THAT is the vicious circle. You must find it within you to take a stand and refuse to be abused any longer. Either call the police or leave the situation. I can only imagine what this must do your self esteem and can only hope your children are not a witness to the abuse. We drill in to our kids to TELL SOMEONE if they are being abused. Be an example for them and do the same.
I have to include also...someone that pours his drinks on you, spits his food at you and hits you does not love you. This is not going to go away.
Please, please help yourself
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My prayers and thoughts are with you today. You have gotten excellent advice above. You are worth more than someone throwing drinks on you and spitting on you. Please seek outside help because you are worth a good life, a happy life! It seems like a hopeless situation now but take some steps into the fear and make a few changes (little steps at first) and your life will improve more than you know it!!! I am so glad you are here and posting your thoughts. I know that it is wonderful to be here and have this support.
My husband came home lastnight and was mad also that there was no dinner. Well, if he is not home, I am not cooking. I ate a Lean Cuisine for me, and too bad if he comes home at 11:30 at night expecting a full meal to be cooked. Oh well. Not my problem. He can cook just fine. Maybe that seems callous but I was so tired of making food for both of us and him not being here and I was just eating alone. So, I am taking steps to not baby him and let him take care of himself. He can drink and stay out, so he can cook for himself if and when he decides to come home! Just a little suggestion, it took me a while to get to this point though.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.... Please seek help, you are worth it .. !
Last year I became sick and ignored it because I was consumed by my alcoholic husband.. I ended up in the hospital . Listen to your body it is telling you something ..
I want to thank you all for your kind words, love and support. I am going to answer a few questions that was asked.
I love my husband, because he is not all bad, when he is good he is real good and when he is bad he is real bad.
I know it is hard to believe that he loves me when he does all those awful things, but I do get to see my loving husband at times. I agree, that I don't deserve it and I am willing to take baby steps( that is all I have) to get better.
It is very hard for me to talk about these things but I am trying harder and harder to open up. I have only been coming here a couple of weeks and I have posted things that I have never told anyone.
I am scared to get the help I need, because I know they are going to tell me things that I don't want to hear. Or should I say, that I am not ready to hear. I am trying to read the post and get educated on dealing with an A. I think when I get stronger and learn how to put what I have learned into actions, that I will be able to seek outside help.
I did contact a friend of mine who is a police officer and told him what was going on, I said that I would only tell him if he would keep it to himself. But I am scared to tell my physician, don't they have to report such behavior?
Tammy, I don't know what my body is trying to tell me, but I do believe you are right. It has been over a week now and I am still not feeling well. I think I am going to go see the Dr.
Again Thank you all for your kindness. And also for your prayers.
