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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Asserting myself cont.
Post Info TOPIC: Asserting myself cont.
Cyn


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Asserting myself cont.
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I know we are all in our own situation - my situation is one that I am not with an A anymore - but because of my previous relationships with A's I have to relearn correct ways to do things. 


I asserted myself last night, I feel like I give too much and not get anything in return - which is 100% my own fault.  I think I am doing the right thing by being the fantastic easy going girlfriend that never complains, never wants for anything, never needs anything - that my boyfriend can rave about me to his friends and family about how wonderful I am and how much freedom he has with me.  However that gets old and then then very independent person I am comes FULL SPEED AHEAD - wanting more than just to be the "little miss". 


Now I have to correct some BIG mistakes and I am arguing with someone who doesnt want to relinquish ANY of that control.  He wants to go to sleep when HE wants to go to sleep - the conversation will STOP there and even if I want it to continue - he has shut down so fast - there is no saving it. 


I'm arguing for the sake of having someone HEAR me.  I dont want to be on the phone all night long either - but now I am fighting for just a small portion of the control of the relationship and I am getting nothing.  And I know myself - if I get a little bit for a short amount of time - that will hold me over for another 6 months.  But he isnt going to relinquish it - he doesnt understand the idea of giving in to what HE doesnt want sometimes. 


I have created the situation because of my fear of making waves earlier in the relationship - my fear that I shouldnt assert myself and create my own boundaries because they wont be respected anyway - they never were in any of my other relationships. 


So he called this morning to "resolve things" - however noted on HIS time and terms.  I put aside my work and sat in my office to talk (which wasnt exactly the smartest decision on my part).  He told me last night not to come out there this weekend out of anger towards me.  He says now I shouldnt listen to it - he was just angry.  I have said time and time again - that it is never acceptable and he shouldnt say things he doesnt want.  Right now - I dont know what to do.


I am afraid if I go and not stand my ground here - that I am caving in.  That I am giving into his ability to strike out at me when it suits him.  I am afraid I will further more NOT assert myself - NOT respect my own boundaries - and allow him to continue to do these things.  However I do not want to punish him for doing this - I just want to stand my ground and be HEARD. 


I am at a loss.  I dont want to put him through unnecessary punishment for something he said out of anger and during a "temper tantrum" when he wasnt getting his way at that specific time, but I want to assert my rights here.



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just me


~*Service Worker*~

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((((CYN))))


I would step carefully here...someone said to me long ago...do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? 


 


Julia



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kismetstrand


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I know when I am busy at work, that is not a good time for me to be discussing important life issues over the phone.  Likewise, if I am exhausted from the day and just wanting to get some sleep, that also is not a good time to be discussing these issues.  Being tired or having your mind focused on other things does not allow for clear thinking.  Perhaps what is needed is first agreeing upon a good time for both of you to talk?  If a relationship matters to both parties, they will make the effort to find a convenient time for each other that doesn't interfere with work or with sleep. 


I do live with an active A and there have been many times he wants to talk right as I'm going to bed.  If I'm truly tired I do assert myself and say we need to talk later as I am just too tired.  I know when I don't get enough sleep I am the grumpiest thing ever and prone to get snippity. 



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Dolphin123


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((Cyn)),


I struggle with the wondering okay if I do this, is that working my program, or is this working my program. What I do is to examine my motives, why am I choosing path "A" over path "B". Do I have any expectations? Am I trying to get a reaction?  I think alot. My "A" says that I over analyze everything. But in all fairness, I try to make healthy, informed, and mature decissions. In order to do that I have to use tools to help guide me.


It would be nice if everyone could say what they mean, and mean what they say and no say it mean. But we are not perfect, I know many a time that I have said something in anger to my "A" and instantly I have wanted to take it back, and have not been able to do so. I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior, and I don't.


I hope you are able to come to a decission that works for you.


Yours in recovery,


Dolphin123



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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
rtexas


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((((Cyn))))


It is interesting you are testing these waters today (and last night of course).  My AW and I had the same basic conversation last night.  She yells in anger last night that she doesn't want me to go to the lake house today.  It's an over night thing in a friends lake house.


Now this morning she didn't hop up and go without me.  She is waiting for me to get off work so we can go together just like nothing happened.


So really... just like you, going on this trip really amounts to why do I want to go. (or not)


Her opinion is that she doesn't want me there (or at least that's what she said), and I will take that into consideration.  But I want to go.  I enjoy it... it's beautiful and peaceful, so I think I will go.


I would suggest that you take a look inside at why you would or would not like to take this trip, aside from your argument.  If it is a good deal for you to go then, you can decide.


I keep thinking to myself that disagreeing has to be normal, it is all about what happens once we disagree.  Do we come to a happy middle ground, agree that we disagree and decide that is the middle ground and it's ok, or fight about it for weeks trying to win.


This is just my opinion, so feel free to chunk it out!  LOL


I sure hope you find a conclusion to this that is good for you!  You sure deserve it!


Take care of you!



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