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So i've been doing what i'm supposed to do, let him figure it out on his own, he ran out of money, had no transportation and nowhere to go during day 5 of the binge, so last resort, ended up at the mom and dad's house (alcoholic activity there) Spoke with him yesterday, said he was trying to detox himself (had done so before many times)
Noon, last time i spoke with him, he was desperate and wanting me to come pick him up, I told him over and over that i can't, that he has to call his sponser. He tried manipulation on me saying i'm supposed to be his wife, i'm supposed to love him, so i should come get him, he needs a safe place to be. I said i'm sorry, i love you, but i can't, i'm trying to help you by letting you help yourself.
His sponser says i'm doing wonderful and right, that when he is finally done, he will figure it out, he knows that he should or could get himself to an ER or a detox or to call him and AA people will intervene. He has not done that yet. I haven't heard from him since noon yesterday, getting worried and wondering since it had 6 days of drinking, should I have gone to get him to maybe take him to the ER or something, or is it still right to be sitting back waiting for him to do it. The sponser says doing what i'm doing can ultimately save his life, but what if it doesn't?
(by the way, can't call the in-laws-they hate me-waiting to hear from Bro-in-law at the moment)
So the main question, when does the enabling end and the life saving begin?
I can tell you are very distrought about this, and I am praying for you both right now. I don't have any advise, but will ask a question: is anybody there at the parents house? I am assuming his parents are there at least part of the time, right?
If so he is in as safe a place as he can be without going in for treatment.
If he is calling you on the phone to complane that you don't love him enought to save him, he could call 911.
My heart just breaks hearing what you are going through, but it sounds like he has options. What about you? Is there someone you can visit or someone you can talk to?
Take care of you, and know we care!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I'm just taking care of myself and the kids in the mean time, like i know, I didn't cause this, i can't cure it and i can't control it. It's up to him, and when he comes to the end of his rope, like you said, he can call 911, or his parents can.
Of course i just can't help but worry, i've known him for 16 years, how could i not worry?
The sponser says when he is truly done with this, he'll call the right people for help, i can only hope that he really will.
Hello Syd. so far so good . I have found myself in a similar situation many yrs ago. My husb had left our home sober saying he no longer wanted to be here. 2 weeks later he started to drink again . He continued to drink for 6 months until the pain was so bad he decided to try sober .
I went to his office to see him after 4 months and when he answered the door one look and I knew he was pretty sick ,skin the color of concrete liver swollen out of his chest dirty etc. at this point he was a cronic alcoholic. I left his office and phoned an AA friend of mine and said I have to go and bring him home he is dying and dosent deserve to die alone.l
My friend listened and said "you can do that and watch him die" or "You can leave him where he is and maybe he won't " choices again. I chose to leave him where he was and he didn't die 2 months after our meeting he was home detoxing and has been sober ever since. 17 yrs ago/
I know in my heart that if I had brought him home Iwould have just saved his ass one more time so that he could get better and drink again , and I also knew that I could not live with active alcoholism again. Allowing them the dignity to live or die the way they choose was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. My husb has told me in sobriety that if I had come and taken him home he knows he would have died drunk.
Hi again Syd. when my husb asked for help I gave him a phone number of an AA friend and he made the call himself. Allowing him to come home and detox was ok with me because I knew this time it would be different . because I was diff . so that regardless of what he did I knew I was going to be okay .
In the six months that he was gone I found out that i missed him , loved him but that i was going to be okay with out him , He found out that home was where he wanted to be and was prepared to do what he had to do to be h ere.
I would reasure my husb that I loved and cared for him but that i could not live with active alcoholism again. .Alcoholics need to know they are loved. Louise
I think you've done all right things. You told him you loved him and that's important.. and like you said :
"he knows that he should or could get himself to an ER or a detox or to call him and AA people will intervene".
I know how hard it is, but he HAS to make this decision for himself. I've seen others say that their A blamed them for insisting on rehab. There is enough instance of relapse w/o giving them reason for blame.
Hang in there Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
There is no connection between enabling and interventions.... however, I believe the answer to your final question - "when does the enabling stop and the life saving begin" comes from him, NOT from you.... I don't think you can 'save his life' right now... he really has to choose this for himself.... It's a very scary thing, but if we accept that we are powerless (which we most certainly are), then we are also not responsible for their actions - both good and bad.... You are no more responsible for his sobriety than you are for his drunkenness.... The sad reality is that he "may" choose sobriety, or he "may" die as a result of him NOT choosing sobriety, but there is not a heckuva lot you can do about either decision... Stay focussed on you, and getting yourself healthy....
"he will either drink or he won't..... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
oh my goodness. this senerio sounds so similar to what i went thru with my ah a few months ago. he was binging living with another a and when he thought he was done he wanted me to come get him. after abandoning me and the kids for 2 months. no money no phone calls to the kids no help with moving or the house just nothing and then he wants me to come get him because he has hit his bottom. he wanted to go to the hospuital or rehab or whatever just so he could get us back.this had worked in the past but this time i was different. i said no. for his own good and mine and the kids no. he had to do this totally on his own. he never had before and that was imho his only shot at getting sober. he cried and begged and yelled and screamed. called me names, tried to guilt me. i just said no. i prayed he would do the thing that he needed to do to get sober. but no, he called his mother. she went and picked him up and he's been there ever since. i don't know if he's sober or not. i don't ask. at this point it's none of my business (some days that's easier to do than others). for me it came down to respect. he is a grown man and he can do whatever it is he needs to do. i don't respect his choices at this point. but what was worse i didn't respect myself when i was mothering him and caretaking. i didn't hear a word from him for weeks. in-laws dislike me and haven't spoken to me in years so i had to just let go and say a prayer when the worry came. for years i kept throwing myself in front of the train hoping to change it's course but i just kept getting plowed over. i finally got out of the way. i don't know what will happen with him. but i know i am going to be ok. i am better already. and my saintly side whispers in my ear that i am doing what's best for him. this is a trigger for me. i have a huge resentment against his mother for rescuing him yet again. the man went from his mother's to his first wife at 17 to me at 21 and now back to his mother at 32. he has never ever been without a woman taking care of him. ever!!! do something different and something different will happen. let go and let god even if you have to take it right back it's good pratice! good luck and lots of love
Lots of hugs. Enabling, intervening who knows. Do what you have to do for you. My AH has never called or asked for help in a binge. Without intervention, he would die. He never gets sober enought to realize he was drunk. Only you know your situation and we can share ours. Maybe we learn.
