The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Everything was fine lastnight. I went to a face to face meeting, had a good time. I was calm. Then came home and AH was gone, fine. I figured he was out again, I just wanted to sleep. He comes home, buzzed, not really drunk, wants to talk. I just wanted to sleep. He made noise, ate in bed, tv on loud. I tried to just sleep. I smelled the alcohol and it just made me sick, and I was annoyed that he was being so rude coming home. I told him the tv was a little too loud, I was nice. Then he said, I can’t win, I stay out you get mad, I come home you get mad. I was quiet for a while and then told him it was a lot more peaceful when he WASN’T home and I wish he would just stay out.
This morning I was calm, got up, got ready to go to work. He came out and asked why I wasn’t talking to him. I tried to just act like nothing was wrong. He kept pressing. I finally told him, “the smell of alcohol on you disgusts me. It makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t know if I can live this way anymore.” He rolled his eyes. I left it at that.
Now why do I feel guilty? I was honest and told him how I felt. Shouldn’t that make me feel better? I am so tired of this life right now. I just want to run away. Things are good, I feel better, then I feel horrible. I try to detach, then I get so mad again! Why why why is this so hard???
I do very much the same thing. I think I know why... I was a people pleaser for 40 years. Even if I was upset about something, if anybody asked about it... Oh no, nothings wrong.
So now the disease has gotten to the "I am totally unreasonable and can't understand anyone elses viewpoint" stage. And I am making my first attempts to assert that I have a right to not be walked all over then apologise for it.
What is out of character for me, makes me constantly wonder if I am doing it wrong. It's a lack of faith in my own self worth. Putting me before anybody else makes me sick to my stomac. That's part of my disease.
Obviously I have been dwelling on this for a while, LOL.
IMHO, your not crazy, you are not out of line to expect someone coming home late to let you sleep, and it will just take some time and work with our HP to really believe that we don't have to be anxious/guilty for taking care of us.
Well... my thoughts anyway.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
My hubby has tried to do that same thing in bed. Eat (oh I hate that he gets something in a bad or with a wrapper and it crinkles and is sooo annoying when I try to sleep), Watch TV (Hello, why does the volume be so high, so the neighbors can hear what we are watching), Talk (hmmmmmmmm, I am in bed to sleep, not chat) and read a book (now that I can handle, except for when he insists on reading me funny parts, then that goes back to the talking thing.
So I have asked him to not do that in bed, and for him to go into the living room. Since I have to get up the next morning for work, he has not problems with my need to sleep. There are times when I really just want to sleep next to him so then I tell him that I need comfort and what we do is get any snacks ready, like out of the wrappers and set up in his little table by the bed along with juice or water. And then if he is to watch TV I get to select the volume. If he wants to read a book, and he wants to share something with me, he says that he won't expect a response from me, because I may be asleep. He is really good about that, because he knows how I really like being able to fall asleep with him, and so he tries to comfort me in the best way that he can.
Set some boundaries, and if you say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean, then you are doing the right thing. I too feel guilty when I speak up for myself, and I agree with RT, we haven't done that for so long, we feel guilty when we do.
Keep working it.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
You guys really helped me see it in another light. It is so true that every time I stand up for myself I feel SO bad! How pathetic! But, at least I am now aware of that, I hope it is the first step to learning how to do it and not feel that guilt.
"And I am making my first attempts to assert that I have a right to not be walked all over then apologise for it." RTexas, you hit it right on the head. I always apologize when I assert myself, always!
Thanks so much for your ever loving words and support. I really do appreciate it!! I was in a horrible mood when I got back from lunch today and your words brought me up!!
