The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started a post last night about asserting myself and got a phone call from my boyfriend and had to finish it quickly. Needless to say - the conversation ended VERY badly once again. I have to say this first - I am not ignorant to the fact that my boyfriend is going through some stressful situations in his life that have been making him moody and irritable and frustrated and honestly a downright jerk. I know HE is unhappy with himself HOWEVER I WILL NOT USE IT AS AN EXCUSE!!
My boyfriend has been calling ALL the shots - including last night. I once again tried to talk an issue out - explained what is going on with me - he said he was waiting for me to assert myself - that he knew it was coming and was expecting it. However he still controls the whole thing. I am sitting there pouring my heart out - saying some great stuff about how we have been interacting lately - and he starts falling asleep AGAIN - second night in a row - 5th day that we havent been able to resolve it. I ask that he sit up, turn on the light, get a hold of himself and be there for me. He says NO - he is going to sleep - why cant I understand what kind of stress he is under - that he has been working all day and is exhausted and all he wants to do it come home from work and go to bed and not talk to me. I said - if thats what this relationship is going to be like LONG DISTANCE - then it is going to end because there is NOTHING THERE. He said - If that is what is going to be able to get me off this phone - then YES the relationship is over and we will talk tomorrow.
I am supposed to go to a wedding there this weekend - fly out to Chicago and go with him. I then said to him very calmly- I cant go out there this week like this if we cant resolve what we are going through. He said - DONT F%CKING come on Friday - waste your ticket - I dont want you coming. We then got off the phone - he dictates the fact that we will discuss this when he feels like it.
Now what do I do - my gut tells me not to go. I know what he said was out of anger - I know that the first half of the conversation we had last night was productive and was going somewhere good - the last 45 minutes were a waste because he stopped listening and just allowed himself to lash out at me and get nasty. I dont want to allow that - so I dont want to go. I keep telling him not to say things he doesnt mean. He continues to do that when he is mad and then 3 days later apologizes and tells me he cant control it.
I dont think I should go - he said not to - I dont want to "punish him" but how do you set your boundary and assert yourself that a certain behavior is not appropriate and not acceptable?
Melody Beattie talks alot about listening to our intuition. She says that we stopped listening to our intuition at one time or another for our survival--because we needed our denial to protect us from unfathomable situations. But right now, your intuition is sending a distinct and loud signal. You can trust it. And after all, if you can't solve a problem with money, it is a problem.
I have been there,,,,, Asserting yourself is really hard when you have given yourself to the other person so many times. I am beginning to assert myself and decide what is best for me. In my case when I had those gut feeling not to do something, It usually ended up bad news anyway. No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do..... And the reality of it all is you already know down deep inside yourself.....Its a matter of being more assertive on how you are feeling at the time.
I have been with my A/Bf for 4 years and others around me kept asking me...... why????? After 4 years of this crazy/ insane behaviour i began to ask myself why???? He refuses to give anything towards this relationship. He never had given me gas money to drive his butt around because he has not had a drivers license for over 12 years due to his drinking after the 3rd DUI... So when I started looking inside of myself for the anwsers.... That I knew were there and I ignored them.... All because I loved him. They things we do for LOVE.....
