The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I finally figured out my biggest problem in life - asserting myself and getting the things I need and want and thinking about what is good for ME.
A big lightbulb came on today after a fight my boyfriend and I have been having this week. We've been fighting consistently for the last couple of weeks - on and off - nothing WRONG with us - but something wrong with ME that was driving ME nuts. Up until today I couldnt figure it out. I can assert myself at work, I can assert myself with my friends and family - but I become a very bitter failure with any relationship I am in because I dont assert myself the correct way.
I just noticed a pattern - in the last 3 1/2 years since I broke up with my ex who was extremely abusive - my relationships have either not lasted past 6 months or around 6 months the fighting starts. I have now figured out why. The first six months in the last 4 relationships I have been in - I allow the guy to call ALL the shots - and I mean ALL the shots. I dont call him, I dont initiate anything (except maybe sex), I become TOO CONVENIENT for him. Then it hits me around the 6 month mark - what am I getting out of this???? When do I get to decide when he calls me??? When do I get to decide how I want things to be??? And I start asking for it - and I get the arguments - and now I understand why.
Why should all of a sudden the guy be ok with my changing - I was never like that before - it makes no sense to him.
AGH the sickness rears it's ugly head for you too??? I have the same issues. I heard a motivational speaker this weekend. He said he was asked if he was having a phenominal life? I was in tears...I want that for me! I am tired of the drama of being the victim. I am gonna stop worrying about everything! I am gonna say what I want and be who I am! I am going to tell him what I want and need and no hinting or pussy footing around anymore! It just doesn't work! I am going on vacation this month and I am going to not worry about money! I am gonna have fun and be happy!
Thanks for your post....I needed to hear it tonight!
6 months..... try after 15 years of marriage and 2 kids. Think that will throw a kink into the 'ol relationship. LOL
Not trying to be flipant. I am ACOA and I brought my people pleasing codependance into our marriage from day one. So now that her drinking has become all our burden, I want to change the rules.
I'm from Texas... I had to lock up my guns! Well, they were locked up anyway, but the whole family is pissed about the "new" me.
Congratulations on being honest with yourself, but you know what I think. Any guy who can't see that things have been a bit lopsided and now it's your turn... doesn't deserve you! So don't take all that heat yourself. Maybe your picker is still a little broken. <smiling>
I believe 10 years ago, my AW would have been sympathetic of me saying "... I think I have some emotional issues from growing up with my A father. I need to figure this out because it is really bothering me." She was very compassionate back then and it was us against the world. Now she thinks I'm on the other team and we are all out to get her.
Thanks for posting, I enjoyed remembering what she used to be like.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
This was me too! I'm coming to realise this is a form of protection for myself. Somehow I succeeded in pushing away relationships. This meant I protected myself from hurt and rejection (if this makes any sense!)
I grew up in an Afamily and was always wary or scared or something. I learned inately to protect myself. I suppose I grew up feeling protective of myself. I had to be that way!
But now, I carry that on....in relationships with men. For years I wondered what was wrong with me...why did I argue and nitpick and push people away. Now I'm realising that I was protecting myself, and I'm trying to pick up the pieces. I realise that in this overprotection of myself, I can push so much real love away. This is truly a shame.
