The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was on the phone yesterday with my Mom and she made a comment that at first made me angry but then started me to thinking.....I am in the process of separating from my husband....I made the mistake at 17 years old of giving up everything and putting 150% into my marriage and family. I forgot to save room for myself. Mom says I need to get a life....which is odd because she taught me everything I know!!!! (I have completely followed in her footsteps) LOL
Anyways....what have you done to "get a life". I am not even sure what I enjoy, etc. because I've spent 16 years being a mom and wife. My first idea is to make a quilt...and that's all the further I've gotten.
Wrong!! You have done so much more! You listened to your mom, you thought about it, you have faced some things, and now you are ready to take care of YOU!
You have come a lot further than just thinking ya want to make a quilt. Oh and not to mention you have began to separate from a situation you want away from!
For me, I first got the basics, shelter, food, water. Then I made sure my animals were ok, then learned and lived alanon.
I garden now, got serious about my spiritual needs. After awhile I started giving back and came to the message board. I like to find books Alanon ones that is, and send them to people.
Take it slow, one day at a time.That is vital to me, do my best each day, pay what I can, do what I can, then really enjoy the rest no matter how poor I am or what kinda mess I am in.
You are on your way to many miracles. love,debilyn
I agree with Debilyn,you have done much more than think about a quilt.You have reached out here at MIP.That's a big step.
You will not find your self or your life in a day or a week.You didn't get here overnight,it will take time.But along the way you will start to feel much better,and you will learn much about yourself.
I also married at 17.To an alcoholic,though I didn't know he was an A at the time.I have stayed through thick and thin for 36 years and I am trying to find myself now.If I can do it after 36 years,you can after 16.
I urge you to stay with Alanon,work the steps,continue to post so we can be here for you,go to meetings,and read everything you can.There is a better life for you and you are worth it.
Do you go to face 2 face AlAnon meetings? Maybe ask another lady out for coffee afterward, for starters?
When I was starting to 'find myself' (LOL I still am...) I made a list of things I was interested in when I was a little girl... I liked to draw, paint, and I liked horses. I went and bought myself a small sketch book and some decent colored pencils, started going to a nice coffee shop and just drawing for a while by myself. It was really nice just to get out. Now, several years later, I do canvas-painting and I love it. I have my artwork all over my house, have given paintings to friends and family,and I have even sold a couple at local art shows!! And it all stemmed from just getting back to what interested me as a child.
The sky's the limit, girl!! And you don't have to spend a lot of money to experiement. I have seen little herb-gardens you can start on your kitchen counter that are pretty inexpensive too. Are there any poetry or accoustic music coffee shops near you? Just throwing stuff out here... baby steps!! But DO take those steps!! I am anxious to hear what you think your interests might be!!
I ususally do more reading than posting just for fear of sounding like a ninny, but when I read this, I HAD to respond! lol
I, too, find myself after 22 years, wanting to 'find' myself. I basically think I'm at the same crossroads as you are. I haven't separated from my A, although most of the time that's all I obsess over. My mother, unfortunately, is no longer here for me to talk to, but after reading what you wrote about your mother, I realized I did the same thing; followed right in my mother's footsteps. Sick as this sounds, she used to joke that she would pass before my father did, therefore never having the chance to live a life of her own. How I wish now we could take those jokes back.
Anyway, I only wanted to say that I think it's fantastic that you're discovering who you are. I have no idea what I like to do either, as I've built my life around my A and my kids. I do know that the last couple of years I have become extremely discontent with my life and know that I have to change it, just not sure where to begin. When you make that quilt, I'm sure it will be the most beautiful quilt ever made.
If you find any other things you'd like to do to 'get a life', how about passing some ideas on to me? lol
I said to my sponsor once I needed to "get a life" -- her reply, "You've got a life, you just have to live it." She was right. Look around and consider yourself and those things that you enjoy.
A question I was asked early in alanon was "What do you like/enjoy doing." I couldn't respond. It was as if I'd never considered it before. It's taken time but I've discovered what it is that I like and I've made those things a part of my life.
It's just one of the upsides of putting the focus on ourselves, we learn that we do have a life and we learn to live it.
Shannon and everyone else - boy this is so true of so many women, whether they're involved in an unhealthy relationship or not.
My suggestion is to make sure that in this process you include ways to take care of your body. Walking or anything else you enjoy doing is good for the body, and also good for the mind. Could be that if you find something you enjoy - walking, jogging, riding a bike - anything where moving is involved - your thoughts and your outlook could improve. This is something I do for myself and it keeps me sane. If you're already doing it GREAT, keep it up - don't let other things become more important.
I can only imagine what sort of mental state I'd be in right now if I didn't already have an exercise routine going. I'm too busy to keep it the same week after week, so I do many things. I work out with weights when I have the luxury, jog, walk, ride my bike, swim (all of this typically includes my kids just by default), play basketball with kids, roller blade, ice skate, roller skate, etc. I just go with the flow and find a way to fit something in.
You don't have to become a fitness guru. Just make sure you're moving and doing. While doing so, you may just find you're better able to focus on yourself, your true needs, who you are, etc. etc. It amazes me how much my thought process changes when I'm out walking around the block, vs. in the house doing whatever. And then when I feel good, my outlook on everything else is better.
In my opinion I wouldn't try to force yourself to come up with something you enjoy, if nothing comes to mind. Take care of yourself, pamper yourself with something nice, and get to the point where you feel good. Along the way you'll have already begun to discover yourself without trying too hard.
Thank you so much for the kind words and experience
You are such a great group of friends. I have started my list now...with your help and even told my husband what I've been thinking and he was able to add to the list.....so...here it is
Start going to F2F meetings regularly again, Read books about new interesting subjects, Make quilts, Scrap booking, Volunteer at animal shelter, Call past Al anon sponsor for coffee, I love music of all kinds-Check into acoustic/poetry coffee shops, Exercise each day even if it's only for a few minutes.
I must share something else with you that seems crazy to me on one hand and yet makes sense on the other!! LOL The quilt I want to make is for my husband. I know...sounds nuts. We do love each other very much. It's just that our problems are so out of either of our control and it's time we separate and learn to take care of ourselves. I have been taking complete care of him all along and I am exhausted. It amazes me some days when I realize how many "little things" I even do for him. He is completely dependant upon me. And as I put it to him....I just cannot continue in this "mom" role. And he loves me enough to let me go. I think this quilt done in fire department themes is my way of showing how much I really do love him. (He is a volunteer firefighter) And I am taking extra care to make sure it's a very "manly" quilt....don't want him to feel like his mom made it!!!!
Again...thanks for the wonderful support and ideas. It's so nice to know that no matter what time of the day/night it is....I always have support here.
For many many years, up until last year, I taught adult skill classes like sewing, quilting, jewelry making and polymer clay.
Ironically MOST of the women in my classes were divorcing/separating, or where empty nesters for the first time and trying to learn how to "get a life". They had good instincts to find a place were they could connect with other women.
I saw that and tried to facilitate things. I started "socials" where each month all of my students were invited to bring whatever project they wanted and work on it together, this went over very well and many began to socialiaze outside of class.
This is a good place to start.
Especially with the quilting stuff. Quilters are unfailingly kind and good people somehow, I don't know how or why, they just are. Maybe it has to do with the nuturing qualities of quilting and it is a natural fit for them.
I really miss many of my students and friends, but had to leave them behind due to my contract when I left my job...sigh.
Joann Fabrics and Cindy Sew Easy (inside most Joanns stores) are celebrating national sewing month in September and are offering many FREE opportunties to learn how to sew and quilt while making charitable items. I am planning on going to hopefully reconnect with some of my old friends. Perhaps you can look into that, and make some new quilting and sewing friends yourself.
I know that each October most Joann Fabrics stores also host a 'quilt for the cure" where you make pink blocks together.
I wish you lived near me...we could start our own quilting group.
Woman are a great support group for each other, I urge you to reach out to other women for friendship and support and sharing a love of quilting, sewing, or any other craft is a great way to get that going.
I've always found that people that scream "Get a life!" are often uncertain about their own lives (the same could be said about me). I listen to hard rock, read GQ & Esquire, do water aerobics, and wait eagerly for graduation. But I also do al anon, hang around with folks in the program and remember that it is a little bit at a time that I deal with living.
Addendum: Often times when we feel as if our inventory is being taken for us, it is. Check who is taking it, and if they've got anything worth saying to begin with.
