The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am in the process of filing out my ODSP papperwork and one of the problem I am having is depression.
I am trying to write the self report and as I am writting about all the thibgs I can't do anymore or how & where my body hurts - I get really upset and can't write it. I already suffer from chronic depression, am a recovering Alcoholic sice Oct. 15/01, Adult Child of Alcoholic, Surviver of Sexual Abuse and grew up in a very dysfunctinal home where I was abuse mentally, financially, emotionally and physically....... I am also on my 3rd marriage to an Alcoholic who is very active drinker and controlling financially.
I know that I have suffered Fybro for many years but never really severe pain because of my drinking. I remember telling my Dr. the first year of sobriety that I was going back to drinking because I didn't hurt so bad. I didnt but there are some days where I considerate for a second. Even when I was drinking, I was still pretty active... It has taken me almost 5 years to admit I have this damn disease !!!!!
Now this is killing me not being able to do thing for myself, have to bath now, very hard to wash my hair, LOVED to cook but cant alot of the time, alot of differant kinds of crafts, read, housework, just everything is SUCH A FRIGGIN CHORE !!!!!!! I get out of bed in am and am back in bed after 1 1/2 hour because of lack of strenght, energy and really tired. I have terrible insomnia even with all the various meds to sleep which is great when you have CFS !!!!
I just don't know what to do......... I attend AA meetings, Al-Anon meetingsand go for counselling once a week. I have a vast knowledge of the 12 Steps ( they work for anyone by the way ) yet I still cant seem to crasp things and feel like I have been going in friggin circles for the past 5 years( except drinking - I am sober and very proud of myself and dont want to go back there). I am so lost, confused and have been suicidial for the past several month. Its like I'm on information overload or something. My sponsors try very hard to help me and I know what I am SUPPOSED TO DO but why cant I applies all this wisdom to myself ??????
I just dont know what to dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
So sorry you are feeling over whelmed at this time - sounds like you really have your plate full right now - all I can offer is prayers, good thoughts - and just my E, S, & H - that when I feel this overwhelmed my sponsor and Al-Anon friends tell me it's ok to take a moment to
Breathe - just breathe -
Rest in the assurance that no matter what you and your HP will be ok - Even better than OK
Wishing you the peace of a restful evening,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I am so sorry to hear about your condition and what this disease has done to you and around you. I am so proud of you for meeting your part of that head on, I admire the courage that must have took!
Just as with all phases of this, it is so much easier to understand what is right, than it is to believe it and use it. Be kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can. Like Rita said, take a moment and try to relax. The mind and HP is imazing when it comes to dealing with pain and anxiety.
You have a lot of things that have affected your life so far, and I am sure they didn't happen overnight. It will likely take quite a bit of time to work through it all. There are many on this site who can speak first hand to all of it.
My wish for you is patience and relief from your pain.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hello and welcome , sounds like u have a plateful alright . Perhaps a gentle reminder that this is one day at a time might help. (((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Many yrs ago i was given a short cut to the 12 steps somedays 12 are just 8 too many.
1- Start from where your at
2- Do what u have to do gracfully
3- Step out in confidence
4- EXPECT GOD'S HELP
I thought the speaker said accept Gods help , but when talking to him later he waid NO NO EXPECT !!!!!!!
One day at a time u can do anything and because u are already involved in program u don't have to do it alone. Make yourself your number one priority for a change. Take care of your needs the alcoholic does just fine on his own, there isn't anything u can do about him anyway.
Our chat room offers support 24-7 somereally good recovery here , hope to meet you soon .
I really don't have any ESH to offer for what you are going through.
Just one suggestion, if you are feeling suicidal, then maybe it is time for you to seek outside help. Is there anyone who can help you fill out your paperwork, maybe you can tell them the answers and they could write it for you?
You really need to take care of yourself.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I feel for you right now. What you are going through must be very very hard. And as Dolphin mentioned, I do hope you are seeking help for the suicidal ideation, for it is not something to take lightly, thinking, "Oh, it'll pass".
I do not have the Fybromyalgia that you have, so I can certainly not offer advice for that. Just know that you are in my prayers, and in the prayers of many others here on this site.
What I do know a little bit about is expectations. As women, we get caught up in the thinking our societies have placed upon us that we have to do everything, or else we amount to nothing. That is a big fat load of B.S.
My sponsor and I have worked for years to get me to a state where I am at least reasonable with myself. I have gone through stages during my own alcoholic and coda recovery, where I fully expected myself to take on what I see other women 'handling' with ease, and it just doesn't work for me. I have had 'superwoman' career-jobs where I worked 55 hours a week, then came home and had no energy whatsoever to do anything around the house. I beat myself up so badly, thinking, "I am soooo flawed..." Right now I am on a career-hiatus and am home 24/7, and there are still days... even weeks, where I cannot get squat accomplished, even when nothing 'major' is going on in my life. And at these times I feel so darned guilty. And my self-worth goes down the toilet. And I get stinkin' thinkin'. And since alcohol is not an option anymore, I feel just overloaded and lost.
It is times like these when I stick closest to AlAnon, which teaches me that I do not have to be all things to all people, even to myself. That I absolutely DESERVE to ask for help when and where I need it. That I am not 'flawed', that I am where I am at for a reason, and that often if I 'give in' and say, "OK, God, NOW WHAT?", He gets me through it, some how, some way.
My Higher Power has never given me anything I could not handle. He has seen me through a disease that landed me on the gurney with my heart stopped from overdose. He has seen me through psychiatric crises where I too was suicidal. He seems to have a plan for everything that life hands me... and the first step in each crisis is usually that He wants me on my knees first and foremost, asking for Him to 'take this one'.
I would never ever minimize what you have going on physically. I am familiar with your condition and I am very sad that you are afflicted with it. Please be assured that you are being prayed for. I just know that I have to ask what my HP expects of me for the day, and let go of what I expect for myself, because HP knows better than I. I also believe he has a way of making it so that I HAVE to keep asking for help. He doesn't want me isolated from the rest of the world, sick or well.
Just wanted to give you lots of (((((((((((((((((Kathi)))))))))))))))))))))))) hugs. I remember when I felt like you are feeling back when. I don't share your chronic pain but the emotional turmoil as a result of X, X and X.
You are doing all the right things hon. Get some help though ~ ask, ask and ask some more and keep coming and keep posting.
Yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Thank you All for your kind words of S & H. It occured to me while reading these replies that that is a big part of my selfpity. I dont have anyone to encourage me at all except here !!! I guess I just don't feel loved or worthy of love. My sisters have recently written me off... Oce because she still holds alot of crap from childhood and is extremely moody. The others husband called mine and started abunch of stuff so I told my sis that since they had such a problem with me that makes no sense to me at all, then I will leave them alone. Ny mother, I still cant get over anger & loss of childhood. Hubby, it seens like he could care less. My Al-Anon sponser tries very hard to help but most of the time I just dont get it.
I do see a Social Worker for counselling once a week and my pain Dr. is very good at listening and talking with me. My family Dr. has basically fired me because I take up too much of her time and she knows Squat about Fibro. Drs. are extrememly hard to find up here in Ontario, Canada so now I have to find anotherone somehow. I did go to Homewood heath centre in Guelph, Ontario for 3 programs: Alcoholism, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression & Anxiety. I am trying to get back in for Depression again. Hubbys private medical coverages only covers 80 % so I have to some up with about $ 3,000.00 and hubby keeps telling me we are broke. I dont understand that since he makes $ 65 K and we dont live extravently. I have to ask for $$ for a coffee for _____ sake never mind $ 3000.00
I do own a small trailer that I am trying to sell. I need help with washing it down , cleaning gutters and making new stairs but he wont help me. I will loss alot of $$ selling it the way it is but he doesnt seem to care as long as I get the $ 3000. THAT I OWE HIM( another story)
I am trying to keep positive but it is extrememly hard for me. I found a Phsyciatrist that is taking ne wpatients and his specialty is Addiction & Mental Health. I left a message but havent heard back from him.
Anyway - thanks for all the support - It really means a lot to me.
((((kathy)))) One thing that wasnt mentioned is ,,,Is there a Fibro support group that you can attend in your area, or can you find one on line where others and yourself can share what has worked and what hasnt? Another thought is have you looked into acupuncture or any other holistic medicine? Sometimes these things help more than what conventional medicine offers. I am not saying leave your doctor as you do need him/her, but I have found other non-conventional stuff that has worked for me in other things. Good luck, one day at a time!
