The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A wife has spent time about four of the past 18 months in rehabs and is not working any sort of program at all. The one thing I can get her to do is go to a marriage counselor with me. The counselor is very good and we are learning how to communicate more effectively, while we are in the office. BTW she is usually fairly intoxicated when we go. When we get home I have to comunicate with a drinking wife and without his coaching and assistance. I feel like a total school kid struggling to find the answers when the teacher asks for the answer on the board. How can you have ongoing conversation with someone who drinks throughout the day?
Have any of you had any luck at all with this approach? It seems to me I am supporting her with a program but I am left with the same challenges after our meetings.
This is a tough one Jeeves, because having meaningful conversation with a drunk partner is like pi**ing in the wind. Remember to take care of yourself. Put the focus on you; your recovery. Until she's ready to take that big step toward sobriety, you'll get nowhere.
Keep coming back here. Your find a great "family" of those who have lived with every facet of alcoholism. There's help to be found here.
With much caring and concern, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I am sorry to hear that. I too have a AW who is rarely not intoxicated. She gets home at 4:00 during the school year and I get home at 6:00. For the past few years saturday and sunday mornings are my only shot at a 'sober' conversation.
The reality is: we can't really talk about important things and I have to be careful not to get sucked into trying. It has a pattern of not working out. Not talking about it, causes her to tell me we never talk, but talking about it when she is not in a state to do it justice, causes me to be resentful.
I can't stand much more resentment in my life, so we don't talk about much. That is so painful in and of itself, cause you want and need to be able to do that with your spouse. Think of it this way, can you really trust what is being said (or that she is really hearing what you are trying to say) in that state anyway?
This is probably one of the hardest truths I have learned in this program. I have a lot of trouble with this as well, but as Diva said in essence... timing is everything, if it's important then catch them when they are not drinking.
It is great that she is getting some sort of help, but she may not "buy into" what she's hearing until she has a reason to do so.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I agree with Diva - trying to talk to them while they are under the influence is like pi**ing in the wind - it's so hard not to pick up the rope and argue - but you are not dealing with a sane person at that time - not when that substance (alcohol or their drug of choice is in their system).
Does the counselor address her drinking during the sessions? Or is it the elephant in the room that no one talks about? Do you have the opportunity to attend Al-Anon meetings? They are not just a bunch of women complaining about their husbands - or at least my group isn't - it is a well rounded group - Men, women, mom's, dad's - etc.
Keep posting, seeking answers for you - Learn to take care of You -
Glad you are part of MIP,
One Day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
HI, my first thought is your taking someone with a broken arm to a class on tennis and cannot figure out how come she cannot do it.
She is very, very sick. She has a life threatening disease. The disease is her primary problem. NOTHING anyone does will help her when she is actively using. It is sad, but when they use, they are insane. Their brains are retarded, they don't or cannot process information like they would if they were sober and on program.
All that disease is telling them is get me more dope. period.
Until they get so sick of being a slave to a disease, and will do anything to stop being one, we cannot do anything, but take care of us.
I know you mean well, I can tell you love her a lot. Makes me so sad to tell you this stuff.
You cannot have a conversation like you want, with someone who has this disease.
I like the peeing in the wind, it is true.
What we learn to do is take care of ourselves, so the horrors of our loved ones disease, does not bring us down so badly.
Well Jeeves too bad the councelor isn't picking up on the fact that your wife is loaded while in her office . And could stop the session til she is sober , might wake her up . This is just my opinion but councelling with a practicing alcoholic is a waste of good money , they just dont think right or hear right.
Keep going and keep the focus on your own recovery , hoping you are going to meetings for yourself . Lou ise
I just know what was told to me, by oldtimers in the program, and experts alike.....
There is NO rational reason to attend marriage counselling while one is under the influence, and while they are not pursuing a program of recovery.... Talk about an exercise in futility!!
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Jeeves, I wouldn't go to a session with my loaded partner --- again. It was a waste of time, money, and hope. By attending meetings and reading this board, I have learned better things to do with my time. I don't try the communication thing at all when he's loaded. I get awful - sarcastic things slip out of my mouth, and I'd like to have a better opinion of myself than is possible then.
I hope you can keep in touch with alanon - in person meetings, online meetings, chat room etc. You can be happy whether she's active or not. take care --- Jill
Jeeves, it wasn't long ago that I implored my A husband to go to marriage counseling with me. We never did end up going, but I went to see a counselor by myself. And she encouraged me to get into Alanon. I balked at that for several months, then hit bottom on New Year's Day 2006. My husband had been arrested Dec. 27 for violating his probation by getting drunk and hateful, and my daughter called 911 since he wouldn't let her talk to me on the phone, and she got scared. I had a severe case of bronchitis, almost pneumonia. It was New Year's and I was alone. I was not sure where my husband was, but he was out of jail. Horrible, horrible time of my life, but also the best, because that is when I reached out and found this site, and it literally saved me.
I know now that no amount of marriage counseling would have helped us. He is an alcoholic. I cannot believe that the counselor isn't picking up on that. No wonder you can't communicate with your wife! Your "communication problem" in my opinion, is secondary. The alcoholism must be dealt with first. I'm going to be honest here, I'm pretty upset at your counselor for not observing the problem in the first place. I mean, it is not that hard to figure out if someone has been drinking, even if they cover up the smell, etc. I can tell when my husband has been from several hundred yards.
I know we are not supposed to give advice here, but I urge you to find out all you can about alcoholism. Maybe you could find an Alanon group close to you. Read the posts on this site, attend online meetings, write out your feelings in a post, get in the chatroom. Just give it a shot. It worked wonders for me. If you could have seen me last year, at this time.......
Any of us who have lived or in involved with an alcoholic know the pain and frustration of trying to talk to them. The only time I can catch my husband not drinking (and I don't even know if he's sober then, but it's been hours since he had a drink) is on weekend mornings. And then I still have to be careful what I mention. It is very sad and confusing, I know.
Hope to hear from you soon, or talk to you. Take care of yourself.
