Just an update on what I have decided what is BEST for me.

I found this site 6 months ago or so. I have been here off and on for the past few months I have sat in many meetings online and have only went to one f2f meeting. I had an A/BF and his ex wife was there at the meeting. They had been divorced for over 10 years due to his drinking. Well last year on my birthday I went to my first and only meeting,She knew of me and I also knew her. I found it difficult to really share being my first meeting and all. But I did get Courage to Change and other literature. I have read everything I could get my hands on for the last four years of having the A in my life.

We had been together for over 4 years and I have gone thru the days of trying to dry out at home. Treatment at the hospital to dry out,30 days programs and the last was a 90 day sentence to jail for obstucting,resisting and assult on an officer. In the last 4 years I could say I have seen him total sober less than a month. I do not count the time in treatment or jail because we had very little contact during these times. He would go 7 to 10 days and he would pick up drinking again.

In the past few months I begain seeing the rage build inside him and now everytime he gets drunk and angry. I never know what he is capiable of doing. The insanity of it all was driving me crazy. I guess you can say I have spent many hours sitting here reading this message board. I have hardly any posts or comments to others in the same situations as I am. Feeling that I do not know enough about it to make comments or confused in how to make a post here and make my thoughts and feelings understood.

In all of the reading I have done, I know alot of the slogans and know that I make my own choices in life. I was willing to accept this all for LOVE. A feeling between two people that I have never felt with any other man in my life. I have to believe now it is chemisty that we shared and it grew into love. I know its ok to Love my A/Bf. But sometime we have to let go of things and people we hold so dear to us. If it makes us crazy and insane it is not healthy for us. I knew there would come a time when I would hit my bottom of his Aism. This is where I am today....... I am guilty of not sticking with what I have said.... Because he has a way to sweet talk me right back into his craziness. But I have told him for the last time. Sobriety or I am gone. I refuse to talk to him if he has alcohol on his breathe.

This decision came to me last monday night after he again went days without and then had to get that bottle of VOD. I just cannot keep doing this to myself. I have to love myself more than to keep doing this over and over again. It has gotten so bad that he goes into a fit of rage doing things that scares me to be alone with him while he is angry. I am unsure of what this crazy insane A is capiable of doing. He has done or said stupid things in the past that makes me wonder.

I have told him I am done. I cannot live in this crazy insane way any longer. If and when he sobers up to call me. That I refuse to go on like this any longer. I may never have the chemisty with another man like it ever again. But I want a relationship with more than just that chemisty. A partner in life working together on a common goal together. Honest and trust, all the things an active A cannot give to any other person.

That would mean he would have to be honest with himself. and trust himself and I cannot ever see that happening. And then there comes a time when I am honest with myself in knowing that at this time he is incapiable of being that man. I pray that he will someday become sober. But it is my decision to be there thru it all or to give up and let HP take over. I have always believed that god had a reason for placing my A in my life at the time he did. In some way my A has helped me to comunicate better in a relationship instead of holding it in. As I did in my past marriage 5 years ago. If ..I was mad my ex never knew it. I held it in....... But today I am able to openly talk about how I feel and what I want.  I just have to mean what I say now when it comes to my A/Bf. Because he has heard it before and I would start feeling bad then let him back in. I know this is a horrible sickness and I would never walk away from anyone that had cancer and was dying. But He also has a choice to cure the sickness and a cancer victim does not get the choice.

He thinks there is another man in the picture. And I have told him there is no other man. And that I do not want to deal with any men at this time. Between my ex and his cheating ways and my A/Bf and his drinking. I wanna focus on ME. And he should do the same. Because I am worth it..... I have to believe it inside and out. So I have to let go and let god !!!!!!!!!

I pray that it does not come here and cause me grief as he has done in the past pledging his love for me. On thursday he was here kicking at the door and slugging the windows while I was hiding in the house refusing to anwser the door. I had my mother come over to tell him I was gone for a few days and to please leave. Not a good idea... almost had to call the police. I do not want to be the one to call the law because he is acting stupid and have him sitting back in jail. Because of me??????? No because he is uncontrolably drunk out of his head... Then he came back friday morning and was waiting for me in the garage. I had ignored the knocking at the door and he was not as drunk as the night before but still smelled of booze. I had told him that my mother had called the police and they had taken pictures and finger prints of everything that was upset..... which was a lie. But I again told him the same thing I had told him 2x before. I am done..Its over.....please leave. I took him home because he has no drivers license and has not had it for over 10 years. I left as he was screaming my name to come back.

I wonder if he ever listened to me when I told him::::: A PERSON DOES WHAT THAT HAVE TO DO TO GET WHAT THEY WANT..... They just have to want it bad enough..... For me today Let go and Let God

Thanks for being here for me to read all the words of courage and encouragement. I will continue with my readings of the board and anything else that can help me on my journey...

Thank you for the place to post my thought and the ability to read the thoughts of others.

God bless you all

mandalynn38