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Hello - I am new to this board and am happy to have found it.
I grew up with an alcoholic father, and thought I was OK with it.
However I recently found out the person I thought was the love of my life, is also an alcoholic and suffers from depression. Long story short, I know he loves me - there is no doubt about that - but he broke up with me for no reason he could give. It seems that he tried very hard to live a healthy lifestyle but it was too difficult to hide his drinking so instead of getting help for himself, he gave up instead.
I'm worried I'll never get over this, because of my history with my father. I truly love this man, and really thought we were meant for each other. It's just hard to try to get over someone when you know they love you. I keep thinking "if only" type thoughts - if only I can convince him how good his life could be if he treated his illness(es). Of course my friends tell me I can't change him and deep down I know they're right, but that's part of what I'm grieving over. I want to help him, want him to be happy, want him to get through this.
I don't know how to move on. Is anyone in a similar situation? It seems like most of the posts I'm reading are about relationships that are still intact. Mine is over and I don't know how to accept it. It's just so hard because I know how much he loves me. I feel like I'm going to feel this way forever...
-- Edited by somethingtobemadabout at 00:15, 2006-07-31
It takes time to move on. And one thing I know for sure is,nothing stays the same.
If you keep coming to alanon, learn the skills, practice the guides alanon gives us, things will get better.
We learn to detach from the A. Of course you love him, he loves you. But as you learned, that is not all it takes.
In time, as you do more and more for you, you will come to understand, no one can make anyone else happy. It is each of our own responsibility to do that.
I know my A loves me as much as he is capable of loving someone. For me, that is not enough. I want him to love himself, more than I want him to love me.
I am sorry you are going thru this. It is truly hard.
Hi and welcome , most alcoholics don't feel they deserve to be loved and know they cant be who we need them to be and often the solution is to run but don't get too comfy he will probably be back their kinda like boomerangs ya know ?
I hope u will find al anon meetings for yourself , the best way to support our A's in my opinion is to learn all u can about the disease of alcoholism and how it has affected your life, fix what you can YOU . There is nothing u can do about him and it's got nothing to do with not loving you , if love could cure alcoholism we wouldn't need our program or AA for that matter.
Your not the reason he drinks were simply not that powerful . so please find meetings in your area and start recoverying now , your worth the effort . Louise
Thank you so much for the replies. I have to fight hard to resist thinking my love can help him. I honestly thought during his depression that he would pull through because at the time I knew he wanted to. But I didn't realize how much he was drinking to cope with it, and that is what eventually came between us. It hurts so much to know this is something that love can't cure.
I do know I'm not the reason he drinks. But I wish I was the reason he could stop. I know there are things/situations that will wake a person up and make them realize they need to seek help - hitting rock bottom. I wish I could have been that reason - that he would want to help himself instead of pushing me away.
Welcome to MIP. Glad you found us. Please keep coming back and do please try to find a meeting you can attend in person. We have online meetings here twice a day. Please see the links at the upper left of this page. Hope to see you there.
Hi Something and welcome. You accept and live it "one day at a time." If you are resolved and convinced this is the direction in which you want your life to go, try taking the positive road. Think of all the good reasons for leaving, and the consequences of staying. Get a pencil and paper and make a list of pluses and minuses. Often things become totally clear when we see the in black and white. If you make it today, you'll probably make it tomorrow. And you'll find that time really IS the great healer. Best wishes to you, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I just wanted to extend a warm welcome to MIP and Al-Anon. I'm sorry for your pain. All my life I believed that 'true love could conquer all'. It was a rude-awakening when I had to accept that the 'bottle' was bigger than I. I learnt the hard way just how baffling, powerful and cunning the illness of alcoholism truly is. After 15years I had to walk away to preserve what was left of my sanity and it broke my heart. I could no longer stand by and watch my husband drink himself into the gates of insanity or death. I prayed he would hit his 'bottom' and in the meanwhile found recovery for myself. I thought I would never get over the loss and my grief was more painful than any I had experienced previously, it was a 'living death'.
What I can say from experience is that these feelings do pass. Especially as I had the love, support and experience of other members to see me through. I also had to deal with my feelings of guilt as I ended the relationship and felt I had abandoned him in his time of need. The truth was for me that I could save nobody as I was on a sinking ship myself. Our story has a happy ending though. My A was inspired to seek recovery for himself having seen the changes brought about in me by my trying to work the Al-Anon program. He hit his bottom and finally reached out to AA. We are reconciled and he has almost 3years clean and sober.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself during this painful time. Don't be afraid to ask for help and support. You no longer need to be alone. If you can commit to your own recovery you will find acceptance and peace in time. Try to find a face to face meeting as well as attending those online.
Thank you again - so much - for the replies. I think it's fabulous that you are all here to listen to and support each other. Your caring remarks truly bring tears to my eyes.
I am trying to resist the temptation to contact him again and let him know how much this has hurt me, although I've already basically done that once. I want him to know I wish he would make the choice to help himself, and to stop running. That this may be the hardest thing he ever does in life, but there would be so many people to support him and if he's able to be happier and healthier in the long run, wouldn't the choice have been worth it? Yesterday my friends were telling me not to do so - walk away and take care of myself. I agreed yesterday - today I want to reach out again. I may not yet be at the point where I feel I have said everything I could possibly have said.
Does Al-Anon help with the lingering feeling you could have said something to help? What if you truly didn't say everything - do they encourage you to get closure and THEN move on down the road to recovery? I just keep envisioning holding someones hand who is slowly drowning - and then just letting go. I need to let go but am not sure whether it's time.
Dear one, NOTHING you could have said would have helped, so try to get that out of your mind and out of your guilt. An alcoholic drinks. There is nothing we can do, not do, say, not say, think, not think, etc., etc., that matters at all. The A's recovery is in the A's hands and that of his/her HP. That's all there is to it.
I am not a great quoter of slogans; most of them I find trite. But one does hold true in your case. "You didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it." Known as the 3Cs. Keep that in mind and toss the guilt to the curb.
All best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I did make a counseling appt. for this week, and also found an Al-Anon mtg. I can attend later that day. I am actually looking forward to both. I'm still HORRIBLY sad, but do feel better just knowing the appt. and mtg. will be a first step in an important learning process for me. I also hope that tomorrow my stomach hurts a little bit less, I cry a little bit less, and I can concentrate on other things a little bit better.
