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My son is 24 years old and he's an alcoholic. He's been out of the house for over 2 years now and has a roomate. He just ended up in the hospital with Alcohol posioning. When I went to see him, he was in restraints and on a suicide watch. I'm terrified to say the least.
I know the drill. I know about enabling him if I fix things for him. I know that I can't control the situation and I didn't cause it. I do however also know that I did the tough love with his father who was an alcoholic as well. I had him move out after 16 years of on again...off again madness. When we were steping over him every morning and threats to leave were no longer working, I had him move out. He committed suicide two months later. My son was 16.
My step brother committed suicide 2 years after my husband. Reason unknown. My son's great grandfather also committed suicide. Reason unknown. Do you see where I am going with this? I'm mortified. I can't lose my son to this. I just can't. I can't enable him and I can't do tough love either. I just want to hold him and never let him go because I'm afraid it would be the last time I have him with me.
He's gets out of the hospital tomorrow. He's still not doing well but he insists he won't drink anymore and also insists on leaving the hospital. I think he's in denial that he's done with drinking but being a mom of course I hold on to that like it has to be the truth. He won't do it again. Yeah...right.
How can I help him and also keep from showing how terrified I am or assume he would follow in his families footsteps? How can I make him know that he's worth something and he's valuable? What can I do to save my son???
I cannot share experience as I've never been in your shoes....but until someone else has a chance to share their experience...I wanted you to know you are not alone.....I am sending strength and hope your way....Please, remember to take care of yourself...and ask your HP for guidance. I will pray to my HP for yourself and your son.
Reese, your pain is so deep and I know how absolutely awful this must be for you. I am glad you have come here to this site. I, too, am relatively new and it is my son, much older than yours, who is my great concern. He has not reached alcohol poisoning nor does he drink daily, but his weekend are for drinking. He has lost his home, his wife, and his one year old child to this disease. Still, he drinks. I find having your child sick with this thing is so difficult. You cannot divorce them as many many women finally have to do. As you finally did with your husband. Your son is forever. I have no answers for you except to say you are in my prayers. You will have to muster all your strength and turn this over to your HP and let others hold onto you when you need support. Perhaps you son actually has had a revelation with this episode. He says he will not drink and who are we to disbelieve him...until he proves otherwise. Just be prepared for it. Encourage him to seek help, possibly with AA. Perhaps the professionals at the hospital can have some influence on him before he is allowed to leave. Whatever, know that at this site you will have people who will read your posts, will pray for you, will encircle you with their friendship and their support. They will say wise and profound things which will touch your heart and soul. Just keep hanging on and come back here and let us know how things are going. You are in my heart and prayers tonight as is your beloved son.
I read your post tonight and even though I have no idea of what to say to you I felt I should at least acknowledge your pain. My daughter has been hurting a lot lately and she has talked about hurting herself. I am seeing a psychologist to help me get through eventhing I face with parenting this child that I love. There is nothing more terrifying than the thought of her hurting herself. She is far away from me in another state, all alone. She has good days and bad, but for her at least, I believe she has a deep desire to live even though she is in a lot of emotional pain right now. It seems to me that I would talk to the doctors who are working with your son and maybe you have. I would think it might be possible that someone would feel it might benefit your son to spend more time in the hospital getting some help for his mental state of mind. I so feel for you and hope that you can find some peace while dealing with a difficult situation. When my daughter talked about hurting herself I offered her the opportunity for counseling, told her to call 911 if she felt she might do something and told her of a hotliine number she could call in her area. Other than that, for her, there was nothing I could do. I hoped she would not hurt herself, it would be so sad, but...I could do no more than I have already done to try to help her. My heart and prayers go out to you and your son.
My son turned 23 in a NY hospital in March (2000 miles from home, as he was in the army) due to alcohol poisoning. I didn't even know it until they had dismissed him. I know he has been in that shape before, and just last week he was close to death again, but God stepped in. I don't know what to tell you--it is hard being a mother and watching your child destroy himself. About a year and a half ago, my brother died of an oxycontin overdose three days after leaving rehab. I know I have enabled my son. I made excuses for my brother's drinking and drug habits, and I know that there is nothing I could have done to save him. I pray every morning and every night that God will release my son from this disease and that my son will allow God to do so. Take care of yourself, and let God take care of your son.
oh this is a hard one. Feeling so sad for you inside.
I have been told that for someone to commit suicide in a family, opens the door for it to be an option, when things are rough.
I have been so close to it from loss. Finally realized I did not want to die, I just did not want things to be the same anymore.
Maybe what you could do is ask him, "do you really want to die, or do you want things do be different?"
Talk to him about options. These are my thoughts not advice ok?
Tell him you are proud of him no matter what, that the mistakes he has made or choices he has made makes no difference. Our kids need to know this. They know how much we love them and how much it would hurt us if they died.
To tell them only gives them more guilt, makes them feel more a burden. I can tell ya this becuz I have felt as he does.
I know you are proud of him in a million ways. Treat him like an adult. He has choices. I said that to my A before, "it is your choice, but sure is not what I would choose. I think I would rather try to do things different, uno?"
ask him, "have you thought about how you could do things different?"
We cannot stop them, but we can help them to really look at how they feel. We can help them by saying whatever you choose, I love you.
Which is true. I think we all need to know someone is proud of us no matter what. That we all have worth.
I really believe that is a big reason my A won't let me go. I really am proud of him for many things. I don't allow his aism to make me hate him.
My heart goes out to you, but I honestly believe this will be ok.
Reese, my heart is breaking for you. I know all too well what you are feeling. I wish I had an answer or three little words that would make your pain and his go away but there just isn't such a thing.
I am dealing with a son who is 37 and is still going up and down in and out of reality. I had to let him fall as far as he had to fall(more than once) because my holding his hand got neither of us anywhere. When he went into rehab I found a suicide note that he left intentionally for us to find on the top of his dining room table. I also found another on his computer. I copied both of them and sent them to his counselor in rehab. The counselors addressed it at great length with him and he was royally pithed off at me for doing it. But the mom in me grabbed onto the one last thing I might be able to do to save my son.
One of the sad things is that the hospital's cannot keep a patient if they want to leave unless they are suicidal and the state takes over management of them. Even then, they only do it for a short amount of time. It is so darned frustrating!
Here is what I did with my son and for me. I turned loose of him...completely!. If he messes up he cleans up the mess. If he goes to jail he figures out what to do about it not me. I still let him know as often as I can that his father and I love him unconditionally. I gave up trying to talk some sense into him. As long as he is still drinking or using I am only wasting my time and his trying to talk to him. He doesn't hear me because the only thing talking to him is the drugs and alcohol. It was hard turning loose but when I realized that I had tried everything I knew to do it was time to let the HP take over. I turned my son over to my HP and I pray daily that something will happen that will turn him around or that someone will come into his life that will make a difference in him. When things get bad I have to remember that there are two people in my son's body.... my son is one and the alcoholic/addict is the other. If he does something to hurt me I have to remember that it wasn't my son who is responsible it is the alcohol that is responsible. That one was a difficult one for me to wrap my brain around.
If I had a nickle for every time I have heard "mom, I have really changed" I could take a nice vacation somewhere. I am sure that he occasionally convinces himself that he has changed but there are so many promises that I have heard from him that were never kept that I just don't put much stock in them anymore.
This is a life long process for all of us and all we can do is take it one day at a time and keep our HP with us at all times. I just keep going back to step 1 and start over again.
Take care of yourself for you are the only one that can do that.
HUGS
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I am glad you reached out to share with us. What you are going through... my God, how painful. I have a friend who is doing the same things... this friend has many times locked the garage door with the car running and has been found by his mother, his sisters... one time he called me on the phone inebriated and told me what he was doing but would not tell me where he was. I was frantic, called the police, drove all over town staring down every garage door throughout town wondering which one he was in.... I felt so helpless and lost. He has done this numerous times for the past 20 years.
This man is 42 and caught in this cycle too. Still lives with his mother, and I would be willing to bet she is feeling some of the same things you are. She does not have AlAnon to help her cope; how I wish she would come here and to a meeting and get help, but she won't. I just have to pray for her continuously and for her beloved son.
I have read the replies here, and all I know is that when something of this magnatude is going on, getting counselling for ourselves can't hurt. There is so much we take on as our responsibility which really is not. I pray that you go to some counselling and let a professional help you to sort this out. You never know, your going to counselling could ultimately help your son in a profound way, through 'osmosis', as it were. But as we learn here, we can only help ourselves for today, and you are definitely worth helping. Again, just my thoughts.
I feel for you.I know exactly how you feel, I have been there.
My son is 27 and dealing with addiction. It is an everyday battle, for him and us, his family.
I too, had to totally turn the whole situation over to HP, who for me is God. It was not until then that I knew some sense of peace. I found that I could have a life and I found Alanon.
