The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have myself back ok for the moment. But need to share/vent.
A has not called again that I know of. Hearing, "you cannot rationalize insanity."
In the Big Book I learned, along with get on program or die, was they also can go insane, no return kind.
Anyway first I want to say, I was in the shower, after days of waking up sick, feeling sad and crying, I surrendered again and reminded myself I have my hp here alll the time. He never lets me down or leaves me alone. (I have a compromised digestive system, I cannot do stress well at all)
I am always taken care of, my animals too. He gives me miracles and I don't worry anymore.
Saw I was already getting sick from the Aism of my husband again. I was in pain and having horrible nightmares about him. Have the last 3 nights.
Part is I had to take pain med three day ago for my hands. It messes with my homeostasis. Hate it.
So no more pain med. unless I know I can handle the depressant crap.
So I took a breath or two, and if I think of him, in come the wild irises and my dog Tavish. (c:
Anyway, like I said, horrible nightmares. Racing thots of what makes him not call me, hitchhike, walk, whatever to get to me? I have NO idea where he is. He knows where I am.
He could walk to my sons (I say my son, he is his bio father) have some strength and face him and ask for help to get to me, or call me.
I wonder how he can have said the stuff he did, wrote what he did. Hear him say program talk, hope he has found some serenity and is going to meetings.
The questions, the pain, the nightmares were driving me nuts.
In a way I did not want to move. I was trying to not think about it, the first day or two it worked, the last two or so, not working.
So I say the serenity prayer, fit my life into it. Today reminded myself to STOP IT. lol and not to think of him AT ALL. I immediately felt this peace come over me.
I have a strong spiritual backround, but becuz of my darn disabilities I cannot get to the meetings I so much want to get to.
I listen on speaker phone but I miss my brothers and sisters. sigh
I am ok living alone, in fact prefer it. Guess I got a bit of hope there.
Then again I get the thoughts of I have no idea who he is anyway, and if this is it, screw him. scuze me. I sure am not attracted to someone who says I love you, want you, will call you, blah, blah, then doesn't.
My animals, even the guinea pigs, and RATS are more dependable, more loveable than he is right now.
I am sad as Elgin my horse being delivered is now postponed until Aug 12. )c:
Anyway, it is no wonder he was always jealous of my love for my animals. He must have been jealous that they could love me, be more loyal and help me in this hard life, where he cannot.
So I have a paradise home, lotsa noisy critters, kids, grandkids, friends, all of you alanon bros and sis's, and an HP who kicks my rear once in awhile and reminds me of this...
I would sure appreciate your thoughts and whatever reminders. My heart needs you.
Love,debilyn who is going to Walmart now to get a couple flowers...and to Goodwill for a treasure hunt.
Oh Deb u break my heart. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) Just keep looking after you God has a plan and I know u know that but it's so hard sometimes to watch it play itself out. There is always hope Deb and I know u know that too.
God never closes a door that he does not open another, But sometimes it can be hell in the hall. Hang in there deb . Love Louise
I WISH I COULD TRACK DOWN YOUR MISSING CRITTER AND AT LEAST DELIVER HIM TO YOU FOR SOME PEACE OF MIND
I FEEL YOUR PAIN BUT I AM VERY CONFIDENT THAT YOU WILL SOON START MAKING YOUR LEMONADE FROM ALL THE LEMONS YOU HAVE HAD THROWN AT YOUR FEET...
SOMEONE HAS GOT TO KNOW WHERE YOUR HUSBAND IS--MAYBE YOUR SON COULD TAKE IT ON HIMSELF TO AT LEAST FIND HIM AND GIVE YOU A STATUS UPDATE...
RIGHT NOW--WHY DON'T YOU INVITE SOMEONE OVER AND HAVE A GOOD BS SESSION-JUST TO TALK ABOUT STUFF---PICK SOMEONE WHO MIGHT LEND A HAND IN WATERING DOWN THE HERD...
TAKE CARE OF YOU AND I WISH YOU PLEASANT THOUGHTS...
((((Deb)))) I am so so very sorry. I know you had such high hopes tempered with reality for your husband coming home. I too wonder why in the heck they are like that?????
I guess because we would swim the sea, climb the highest mountain, face any danger to get to them, if they needed us. And they seems to know that, and take it for granted. When, for us, it is an expression of our great love, that we are willing to overcome any obstacle for the one we love. Darn! This is such a sucky disease.
When I get really down, I listen to Keith Urban singing "You'll Think of Me". Over and over. I can send you the words if you want me to. In a DVD of him, he gets really into the song, almost angry, and you can feel the hurt he feels. I turn it up really loud and sing really loud to it. Gosh, I'd probably scare all your animals! The cats run and hide when I do it, so I have to give them an extra treat!
Please remember that your hub has his own HP. Your HP is at this very minute keeping watch over you and your beautiful creatures.
It is the disease that causes him to behave this way. Sometimes I think my husband wouldn't know LOVE if it walked up and bit him on the ass. He hasn't spoken to me all day....who knows what his problem is. His friend finally came over and they went out on their motorcycles. Thank God he's not here moping around. He wants to be with just about anyone but me. And he's all I want to be with, if he would act right. But he doesn't. So, I gotta take care of me.....so I've got Keith Urban on...LOUD, the cats are under the bed. It's not really that loud, to hurt their ears, they just don't like loud noises of any kind. PTSD, I think. Poor kitties.
I will keep you in my prayers tonight, and I just prayed for you now. I hope you get to feeling better. You are a wonderful and special lady with lots of love to give. Your creatures are very lucky. I'm sure Elgin is sad too. When I was young, I lived on Elgin street, in Tulsa, OK.
Hey there special one.Did you build up expectations of what it would be like when he got out? I know when I do that my A ALWAYS lets me down.
This is from a previous post of yours.....
"I get this letter, he is going to go to the shelter, work some, and take in the world again to see things other than a brick wall"
So maybe he is just exploring,enjoying his freedom.Maybe he wants some time to himself before he comes back to Eden.Yes,he should contact you to let you know he is ok,but he IS an A.My A would never be that thoughtful.
I will pray for your strength.That you don't get into the fear and 'what if's'.You are a very strong and sensible woman.
I will also pray for him,that he comes to his senses and contacts someone.
Remember to take care of you.Getting sick will not help him.
Just wanted to send you extra love and prayers to you and your animals. I'm sorry you're going through this. But I have great faith in you and in HP looking after you. You'l ge through this, you are such a strong woman. We're always here for you.
We all deserve and are entitled to have a happy life, filled with love, peace, serenity, laughter and in my case: CHOCOLATE!
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Drucilla, no I am not an expectation kinda person. But i sure appreciate you asking me. It made me look at myself to see if I was doing that.
I am actually just very sad he has not thought of me enough, to call me.
I have NO idea who he is. If he chooses to use, then I have missed a chance to maybe see him a bit before I probably never see him again, or he ends up back in jail.
Coffee bean, thank you for the compliment. And the hug was very needed.
Karilynn, thank you and YES I love chocolate, sadly it loves to give me a migraine....but I do sneak once inawhile and take a prevacid and dairyeze.
Thank you for having faith in me. I am working hard right now. And hp is holding me tight.
It helps so much to be able to come here and talk to people who understand. I wish I did have someone I could go to and cry and just let it out, but not have to hear any thing from them.
My loved ones, thankfully care very much about me. I don't want them to hate my husband. I am teaching them to hate the disease. But all they can see is me crying and hurting.
I am feeling better. Did not cry at Walmart. haha But I was in sorta a fog. I smiled at someone, and it felt weird. haha again. So I kept doing my best to smile. Especially at little kids.
If I could have kids around more, I would love that. Maybe I could babysit some. hmmmm
Deb, you sound like me, drown my sorrows in Walmart, too.
I think it is very normal to feel sad at not having someone you love call you. Sometimes I have to sit down and look at what is "normal" and what is "expectations". Otherwise, we would just be walking robots, with no emotions. I am so sorry you are sad, but I would be, too. I think you are doing a great job, though, by just being able to get out and go to Walmart and the thrift store. I sometimes must force myself to go out in public when I am feeling very very bad or sad. So, you are still making progress. You went shopping for you, you did not just go throw yourself in the piggie's mud hole and drown!
I can relate to what you said about not having anyone to cry on. My family is trying (except for my daughter) to be very tolerent of my A. My daughter is the only family that lives in this state, everone else is 800 miles away. So, I can't talk to her about any of it.
That is why this board and chat is such a lifeline to me. I can type and just bitch to my hearts content, and I feel somewhat better. And if no one even reads it, I won't know. But if someone does read and reply, I know I can receive words of encouragement and strength, because they KNOW what it is like, and none of it is STUPID. It's not like I couldn't get another guy, I don't want another guy. I want mine. I don't need a man in my life, but I want one, the one I have. If I got another one, he'd just be another A, maybe worse. LOL
Keep up the good work, and give all the creatures a big H---eeee-----lllll-lll-oooo! from me~!
It was like I was told Elgin would be here this week end. I hoped he would be, but would believe it when I saw it.He did not come. I was sad not to see him, but I will enjoy him when he gets here.
It is so confusing. I am ok alone. I was even happy. But just the hope I may get to see him again, made me feel happy.
It was nice to read and hear nice stuff. analogy is, I suppose, mmmm ice cream is so good, creamy cold, sweet, crunchy bits of chocolate chips, whole strawberries, light chocolate.
Then ya read we cannot wait to ship you this wonderful ice cream treat. We are looking forward to when we can send it.
ya think oh this sounds so nice, been eating beans and rice so long. then day by day, doesn't come. each day ya think about how nice it sounds. more time goes by and ya think, well I was ok with out it, woulda been nice. Ya feel kinda sad.
Then ya kick yourself in the arse and say get it together, it may happen yet, it will happen if it does....
yea me too Beckers. Actually I don't want anyone right now. I just want my husband who is dead. My husband would never, ever do this to me, never.
I don't like whoever this guy is now, in his body.
This relationship crap hurts too much. Whether he ever shows up or not, I gotta get back to ok. I guess I am too much of a romantic, too hopefull. He says a couple nice things and I think he cares. I am a fool.
((((((((((BIG SQUISHY HUGS)))))))))) to my dear friend Debilyn! I wish I could come visit you and make you feel better! And pick up Elgin horse on the way. Would love to see your smile.
Sending you lots of warm thoughts. Keep on keeping on, my friend. Try your hardest not to think about it, maybe your son could take you fishing? :) I love rowing my little boat on the water, it's so soothing. I even love it (the water) when it's storming, I get lost in the beauty of it, and it makes me feel like my HP is right there with me. I sometimes pretend the seagulls are the dear family members I have lost, watching over me.
Hope these little thoughts help cheer you up, Love, TLC
But I have great faith in you and in HP looking after you. You'l ge through this, you are such a strong woman. We're always here for you.
