The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband has been using for at least 6yrs that I know of. He goes on binges lasting 4-18 hrs then a few weeks could go by before it happens again. He has gone months, but then the cycle starts again. He is young, but has major medical issues on top of using. I have been a stay at home mom for 5yrs, but have decided I am re-entering the work force, because I have to for me and my kids. I have to have a plan to get out of this. I am having a tough time facing the ugliness that this addiction has inflicted upon me. None of my kids know. One is a teenager, the others are young. My teenager knows something is up, but I cannot bring myself to tell her. I can't handle the ugly truth, I can't imagine how she could. Instead I'm sure she is thinking her dad is out 'drinking' or cheating on me, which itself makes me sick for her to think those things, but the truth is so much worse. I am so sick of hiding in plain sight, I'm sick of pretending everything is ok. When he goes and smokes crack it's always the same scenario. I confront him, he's angry-denies it, then admits it, is sorry, we argue, make up, everything is beautiful for a few days. Then he's ok. But I'm not. After the episode, he moves on, gets back to business, plays his part of running his business, being a dad, being a husband, etc. He just wants to put the whole thing behind him, because he's done. The more time I stay the more I am disgusted with the person that I have become. I feel like a mop, a doormat, I have completely lost my trust in him. And that is huge for me. Because I value trust almost more than love. I feel so alone. I used to confide in a few family members in the beginning, when I first found out, but as time has gone on, I have confided less and less and it is destroying me. I feel like he has manipulated me into silence. I know that just like he is the only one who can fix HIM. I am the only one who can fix me. I know that I need to stand up, and pretend (?) I am completely responsible for my children and me and do what I would have to do if he didn't exist. I know that I have to finally put his needs and wants aside and focus on putting myself back together. I just hate facing the ugly truth. More than anything, I hate that this drug has infiltrated my life and has turned me into something I never thought I would be again.
welcome to alanon, this is an ugly disease and we come together to share our experience, strength and hope with one another. if u have yet to go to a face to face meeting, i strongly urge u to try it. there are also online meetings on this site.
the first thing i learned here were the 3 c's. i didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. this helped me immensely to realize that the only one i could help was myself. this program works if you work it, just know that you are in the right place and it does get better.
I feel your pain. I was not married to my A/CH but I know too well the repeated scenario of him using, then expressing remorse, then having hope for it to all be shattered again by the drugs. The trust is lost, the lonliness sets in and you go on pretending. Boy can I relate to it! Its sucks!
Sounds like you are on the right track, keeping the focus on you and your kids. If you can, get to some face to face meetings in your area, it will help to meet others who have been thru or are going thru what you are going thru.
Keep coming back to share, we are here for you. Take it one day at a time, let go and let God, the answers and peace will come, I promise.---Hugs, G
Welcome to the MIP board, glad you are here. Just like the "A" (alcoholic or addict or even both) needs to hit a bottom before reaching out for help, so do we. Maybe for you, you have found your bottom.
My "A" husband is an addict as well his two drugs of choice are pot and meth. And I have felt disgusted with him as well. Alcoholism is a disease, and it is a family disease. It affects everyone in the family. My sponsor has said that her kids used to think she was the crazy one. Their dad was on the couch asleep (passed out) and she was the one slamming doors and cupboards and screaming. This disease affects us all. Seeing this as a disease has helped me to let go my disgust of my hubby. I see him as two different people, 1) the man that I fell for and 2) the addict. This has also helped me to let go of my many resentments.
Some of the things I learned when I came to alanon 1) The defenition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
2) Expectations are premeditated resentments.
3) The 3 C's of alanon: I didn't cause it. I can't control it. And I can't cure it.
In alanon I have learned to focus on me. And let him have the dignity to make his won choices and face the consequences. If I keep enabling him, I am helping him from hitting his bottom. I have learned to detach with love.
I hope you keep coming back.
Yours in recovery,
Dolphin123
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Sorry to hear of another family affected by this awful disease, but glad that you have taken a step toward making things better for you. Hope that you will continue to post here, find a local Al-Anon meeting, read the literature and find recovery for you.
Don't give up before the miracle happens in you - You deserve it,
Living life One Day at a Time,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
i am so sorry you are going thru this. my ex ah is also a crack addict. i still have a really hard time saying that in meetings because of the stigma attached to crack. but when i've heard other people talk about their crack addicts i always feel this overwhelming connection. with my kids (11, 7, and 3) so far i have just explained the disease and used the word addict. i am still to scared to tell them he's a crack addict. for many reasons. i assume that i will get to a point where i will feel more comfortable sharing that with them but not yet. i think one of the more positive(?) things about crack specifically is that they do binge and in the inbetween times can be almost normal or at least functioning. but my ah got to the point where he was overdosing which caused brain damage. he also has bi polar disorder. which came first we can't say. dysfunction and alcoholism are his family of origin. with him this disease has just gotten progressivly worse. he worked the aa program and had long periods of sobriety. but he hated being a crack addict as much as i hated it. he would rather identify himself as an alcoholic. which he is just not his drug of choice. my disease ran me into the ground. being angry with him and scared and broke lead me to places i don't even believe. 3 years ago i was so sick i looked like the addict. he looked great. that's insane! i didn't feel that i could do it alone. or that i wanted to. i never ever planned on being a single parent. we tried and tried but in the end i was taking a different path. i was growing and he wasn't. this program helped me so much when i stayed. i was supported and i learned so many ways to cope and live happy. and when i finally knew it was time to let go this program again was right here keeping me from being lonely and helping me to stay sane. either way, whatever your path is just know that we are all here for you and you will never have to be alone with this again. good luck and much love
Thank you for your support. We're in the 'everything is normal' stage now. My husband took us shopping and let each of the kids buy something and then bought me a pair of $135.00 sunglasses. (I would've been happier with $10.00 sunglasses, since they're going to get scratched, lost, etc. - but whatever - and even happier to trade those sunglasses in for a lifetime of recovery.) This is what happens to me. I am strong and determined the day(s) he is binging. Then after the tears, mine and his, comes the make up - including much affection and him spending money on me (I am could not care less about material things.) We act like the perfect happy family. The kids are happy that Daddy is in a good mood and all the appearances are there - I love it and I hate it. My husband is happy and I guess making himself feel better for screwing up, who am I to ruin that? I would give anything in the world for my kid's happiness, even my own? I don't want the fantasy to end, but it will. I am not being negative or feeling depressed right now. I just know the truth. This past episode, after our long talk, he was hysterical, couldn't stop crying for hours about how he hated himself, he couldn't stop, he hates the crack as much as I do. He wishes he never started. He promised me, he would seek help on 'Monday', after the weekend... In the past, I have taken him to a rehab center, he signed up, agreed to go, agreed to go to meetings, agreed to go see a private counselor, etc. So this time, I put no faith in the fact that he would seek help on 'Monday'- as far as I know he did not, and I did not ask. I think, in his mind, everytime he wants it to be his last. He doesn't want to go through everything with me, every time. I truly believe that he hates his addiction as much as I do. He keeps telling me that he loves me. I KNOW he loves me. I KNOW I love him - that has NOTHING to do with it - I KNOW that too. It's completely separate from our love for each other and our kids. I guess what I'm getting at is that by the time 'Monday' comes, he is removed from the situation, and doesn't want to go back and face it - it's over with so he doesn't want to revisit it, or take it on by actually going and getting help - because the crisis is over. I, on the same page, feel almost the same way. I say almost because, I am glad the crisis is over and knowing how incredibly upset he was and how much he beat himself up over it this time, know that it will be a while before it happens again (3-6 weeks). However, I have decided I am going to try meetings again. (I have in the past, and had a very difficult time identifying, because he is not an alcoholic - barely drinks). I am going to go, while I am NOT in crisis mode, and listen. I came back to this site and couldn't believe that people took the time to respond to me! I was really touched. I appreciate the support. Right now, I am doing what I can for today, focusing on staying calm, enjoying the peace, but being mindful of my situation and keeping my focus on helping myself.
