The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have read some posts recently about longing for affection from your A. I of course... LOL see it from the other side. My AW says she is starved for attention, affection and romance. Well, in a way I see her point.
We have so few days that are civil. I am doing something totally out of character for me and avoiding any unreasonable conversations, letting her know when she is walking all over me as nicely as I can, and taking for granted that she is not capable of managing our money any more, (but not dogging her about it).
When she drinks her emotions are in total overdrive. Several nights that "could" have been romatic occassions have been less that that due to her sensitivity to: what I said, what I "should" have said, got flowers/didn't get flowers.... whatever.
As the days pass, all she see's is that we have no intimacy any more. So who's fault is that...MINE of course.
I love being tender and romantic with her, but I am not a romance novell kind of guy. Pretty bland acturally. But, it doesn't mean I don't care. I just can't (and won't) even attempt romance in the face of someone raging at me.
I wonder what she would think if I had cameras hidden around the house to record what's really going on? Would she be mortified, or just think I tricked her somehow?
I really hate this. I have never been so preoccupied with anything in my life.
Just some of my ramblings...
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Well I can understand why you wouldn't want to be romantic with someone who is raging. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It just never ends, does it? I can't imagine having "so few days that are civil". Things are definitely bad with us but things are pretty much civil unless I blow my top, which I am trying not to do, my need to control the situation sometimes gets ME carried into rages and unbelievable anger that surprises me.
Thanks for your always helpful replies to my painful posts.
I try to remember that my husband (active or non) was not raised with much affection, and he does little things that are romantic, but not necessarily what I want! I guess I have realized that he loves me the best way that he is able to. He is doing the best he can with where he is and his situation and upbringing.
Acceptance is the key to a lot of situations that we have in these relationships.
I've had that camera fantasy too - I think most of us have!
So, how about YOUR needs? Getting any of whatever it is you need? No point in focusing too hard on trying to please her - she'll just change the rules halfway through.
I think sex is one of the real problems with people married to A's - it's one thing that we really CAN'T count on ourselves for (not the cuddling, sweet pillow talk part, anyway) and where it really is not a good idea to go somewhere else for. Just gotta do the best we can, I guess.
I really hate this. I have never been so preoccupied with anything in my life.
So!!! "Stop it!!" lol
I often told A I wanted to video him. But really what difference would it make? They know how awful they feel and act. They feel guilt enough already becuz of the crappy disease.
Boy I know about the bursted bubble. Don't do that anymore. Don't have a bubble,just take things as they come.
We beat our hearts into the wall, our heads too, for craving our lives to be, "Normal" but Alcoholism is insanity, if they are actively using, there is no chance for normal at all.
I gotta say something here,"I am not a romantic kinda guy" well guess what, you are HER guy, the only guy you want her to be with apparently as you married her.
And apparently she wants you and you are the only one she wants to be with, becuz she married you.
So what is wrong with being more romantic for your wife?Believe me, you would end up enjoying it too.
I am not the young woman I used to be. My A has known me thru it all, skinny, good bod, pregnant good bod, rounding out, now just me.
I am his wife. I am who turns him on. I wear pretty, sexy nightgowns, when I could be embarrassed becuz I am not a young sexy woman anymore.
But becuz he chose ME, I am his sexy wife, the only one he wants. So I wear pretty stuff.
So am I making sense? It is harder becuz she is A, I know.
I feel like dr.ruth lol. hugs, love,debilyn looking around for a pretty nightgown... just in case...haha
Don't think you are alone on this one. I would have accepted the normal too busy, tired etc that happens on a day to day relationship but the nothing ever done right is too much for me. It ranged from the way I said his name, to not hugging hard enough to holding too hard, come closer then he moves away lol, my personal favorite is holding out his hand until I take hold then he doesn't want to anymore.
I have often thought of recording his behavior, and actually mine too. Just to see what really happens, kind of like standing outside of the dituation. It would be interesting for me.
I've had people tell me I ought to video him when he's having a fit....but if I were in his shoes, and someone video taped me.....well pissed is not the word for it!
I think that could pretty much clinch our relationship right there. It would be interesting, though. LOL
